When you first consider it, it just seems weird that people would misrepresent themselves online to people who they’re planning to meet in person. (Do they think you’re not going to notice that you’re very different from your pictures?) But there are actually several factors at play. First, the internet can be a nasty place, and people already feel very vulnerable on dating sites. No one wants to be ignored and rejected, so it can be tempting to put your best foot forward and leave the rest of your body out of it. Second, some people have extremely skewed body images. A girl who’s recently gained a lot of weight might still see herself as a skinny college chick, or a guy who’s packed on football season pounds might not bother to mention it because he knows he always loses it after the playoffs. Finally, online dating sites ask users to identify with vague descriptive words that have different meanings to different people. One guy’s “curvy” may be another guy’s “few extra pounds,” and “Athletic” is a fair characterization of both a stick-skinny long-distance runner and a hulking competitive bodybuilder. Those descriptions ask people to describe themselves as they think other people see them … and this isn’t always an easy task.
There are definitely people online who misrepresent themselves intentionally, but there are also lots of people who give you the wrong impression without even realizing they’re doing it. A term even exists to identify the phenomenon: Secret Internet Fatties (or SIFs) are one of the most oft-mentioned dangers of using popular dating sites. The title’s not nice, but it indicates the widespread nature of the internet honesty problem.
For all of the reasons listed above, online dating can require a lot of detective work. The most direct approach would be to ask your date straight up questions about their weight or request that they send you a full body shot, but this seems too forward or rude to many online daters. Instead, use these subtle tactics to get a clearer picture of what your online paramour looks like before you meet.
IDENTITY RED FLAGS
Sometimes, you can clue in to whether or not someone is intentionally deceiving you by gathering clues from their profile. Look out for the following:
- Trick Photography: Profiles that are full of Myspace angles (extreme angles taken from above, looking down) should raise the alarms. So should Fish Face (kissyfaced shots designed to create the illusion of hollower cheekbones.) Heavily, annoyingly Photoshopped pictures that disguise the person's natural appearance also fall under this category.
- Lack of full body shot: If your date has a profile with ten pictures and none of them are body shots (or their body shots appear to be from their high school prom), they may be misleading you. Body shots that crop out half of the body – making it impossible to see how wide said body is – are also bad news, as are close-ups. Girls who are carrying a few extra pounds sometimes show off the “assets” the extra weight gives them, but fail to post pics of their entire body, allowing you to imagine that those huge boobs come with a teeny tiny waist ... just like in porn!
- Tendency to exaggerate or gloss over important facts: If you notice that your date embellishes certain facts or you’ve caught them in outright lies before, you should expect that they’re misrepresenting their appearance to you, too.
You can gain lots of information about your date’s appearance by asking simple, fact-based questions. You can’t suss out someone’s actual size or body type from asking one question, so be careful not to jump to conclusions. But asking a series of the right questions can help you gain insight into what sort of body they have, and (perhaps even more importantly) how they view their body and treat it.
- Ask them when their pics were taken. You can do this with subtlety and tact. Ask them at what event a certain photo was taken, and get the details surrounding it. Then ask them to remind you when that event took place. (“This is at your sister’s birthday party… last year, you said?”) If one of their pictures looks particularly dated, ask them if that picture is older than the rest. Some people post one or two really old pics because they’re flattering or because they have great memories associated with them. Asking is a quick way to figure out whether all of their snaps are from their glory days, or if there’s just one oldie-but-goodie mixed in with recent shots.
- Ask them about the physical activities they like to do. This one comes with a big flashing warning that some fat people do exercise. Don’t assume that a girl who mentions the gym is a hardbody (or that a guy who confesses to a homoerotic relationship with Ben & Jerry is a tubbo, for that matter). You can ask specific questions about how often their soccer league trains or whether or not they think a hiking date would be fun to gauge their approach to fitness and health. You can also mention the sorts of activities you do yourself and see if they seem flabbergasted that anyone could run five miles or commit to hitting the gym twice a week.
- Ask them what kind of clothing they like and where they shop. If a girl says she shops at The Avenue, Torrid, or Lane Bryant, she’s telling you that she’s size 14+. If she’s vague about her clothing preferences, it might be because she just doesn’t really care about fashion, or it might be that she doesn’t want to fess up to shopping at Dress Barn. (Actual store. Ugh.). But the way someone talks about the clothing they wear can tell you a lot about their personal style and body image, and this can be hugely important. (I know several guys who date primarily skinny girls, but they’re happy to expand their boundaries for a sexy, confident bigger girl who dresses to kill and takes great care of herself.)
- Ask them about their favorite and least favorite physical features. This isn’t really a first convo question, but if you’ve already talked to someone a few times and are planning to meet, it’s not out of line to flirtatiously boast about a feature you love about yourself and ask them what their favorite feature is. This gives them a chance to flirt and preen a little bit. If you follow up by asking about their least favorite feature, they may be more inclined to be honest because you’ve given them a chance to boast before revealing a flaw. Some people will dodge this question, but others will be very frank. You can expect a lame, uninformative answer from a pretty high percentage of people, but there are also lots that will come right out and say, “I inherited my mom’s big ass” or “I’ve gained weight and I’d really like to lose it.”
by Meghan Beresford for TechCoquette
You tell us:
Have you ever been lied to by an internet date? How did you handle
it?
Related posts at TechCoquette:
