Q: I caught my husband looking at Internet porn. He
knows my feelings about this! I feel so betrayed. Why was he
sneaking around behind my back? How do I get him to give up the
smut?
I say that because your husband simply may not be willing to give up his porn, and this does not necessarily make him a bad person. In every relationship, there are deal breakers—activities and hobbies that we are simply not willing to part with for love.
For instance, let’s say my husband strongly believed that I should only have two pairs of shoes. Total deal breaker. I’d be shopping for shoes in secret and hiding them in all sorts of odd places.
I’m sure you have your own example.
That’s what porn may be for him. Again, this doesn’t make him a bad person. Plenty of good men like to look at naked women. It’s just the way it is. You can try to pretend that it’s not the case or you can, instead, find a middle ground.
To repair your relationship, I recommend the following:
1. Talk about your feelings of betrayal. Honesty is one of the most important qualities in a relationship. Without it, there’s no trust, and without trust, there really isn’t a relationship.
2. Talk about your feelings regarding porn. Do you know why it bothers you so much? You need to go beyond, “I don’t like it.” Otherwise, he’s not going to see your concerns as important and you’ll find that you both end up having a circular conversation with you saying, “I don’t like it,” and him saying, “But I do and I don’t see what the big deal is.”
Do you know why you think it’s such a big deal? Do you worry that he won’t see you as a sexy woman if he’s continually checking out the porn Goddesses? Do you worry that he’ll want to experiment in the bedroom with some of the moves he’s seen in the porn? Do you worry that he will objectify you? Are you worried about computer viruses? (Personally, that would be my number #1 concern). Talk about these worries.
3. See if you can come to a compromise that suits you both. Perhaps you make a rule that he can look at porn, but only when you are around. In other words, you look at it together as a prelude to sex. You’d be amazed by how many couples watch porn—either on the computer or on a DVD. My husband and I do it together, in fact. So do most of my friends—the ones who are bold enough to talk about such things, anyway.
Watching it together provides you with many benefits. First, you can have a conversation about what you see. (Would you like me to shave, um, down there like those women? Would you like to try that? What do you think about her outfit?) Second, you just might get turned on, and that’s a good thing! Not only will it lead to sex, it also will allow you to see that it’s okay to get turned on by something other than your husband. Third, you can influence the type of porn he sees. You might choose erotica, for instance.
Think of it this way: women for ages have read romance novels. Men, for ages, have had porn. They are both different versions of the same thing.
Alisa Bowman is Capessa’s Relationships Expert. A recovering divorce daydreamer, she writes about really embarrassing topics—including her sex life—at projecthappilyeverafter.com. You can ask her anything--and we mean anything. Really. Just ask. She's here for you. Email her your questions.
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