Love + Sex

Friday, August 8, 2008

I need advice: Her husband won't sleep with her

My best friend has been married three short years and since she said "I do" her husband totally lost interest in her sexually. She calls me every week to tell me she's not getting any and this is NOT what she expected marriage to be like. Before they got hitched, they had a fairly normal sex life. Then he gained some weight, got self concious about it, and won't go near her with a ten foot pole.


She's tried dressing up for him, stripping down, playing games, you name it. She's a former beauty queen so it's not that she's hideous or anything. She told me he watches porn on line and even Tivo's it on TV. Playboy subscriptions fill up the mailbox. He's looking at naked women all the time, but for some reason won't do his own wife.


My best friend finally called him out on it the other day. She reminded him it's been 5 months since they made love and he has no problem watching strangers do it in pornos, so why not her? He told her it's because he doesn't want to see the look on her face when he disappoints her. He's mostly just upset about his weight gain. Then again, he's not doing anything to lose weight or get in shape either.


He also said with porn, he can watch it without being judged. Without her staring back at him, without a reaction. Seems to me he is more comfortable just retreating into his own little world when it comes to sex.


My poor best friend. She is so frustrated. The longest she and her husband ever went without sex was 8 months. I think that's ridiculous, but what can she do when he seems to have no interest in her whatsoever? She calls me to complain about it all the time and I don't know what else to tell her. I just don't get it. I thought men love sex. I thought they literally can't live without it.

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Comments 1-10 of 110
  • Maria's Avatar
    Posted by Maria Mon May 12, 2008 1:05pm PDT

    It sounds like he has a porn addiction. Alot of men who look at porn on a regular basis get so used to it they can't satisfy themselves with a real woman anymore... sad, but curable. If he's willing he needs to try to slowly ween himself off the porno, that will probably renew his sexual interest in his wife. If he absolutely will not work with her to fix the problem, she should probably move on to someone else who can appreciate her.

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  • Cher's Avatar
    Posted by Cher Mon May 12, 2008 2:11pm PDT

    I know what you mean girl...i'm going through dry spell too...well my husband will do the usual stuff, kiss me but won't come near me either...i dont know what else to say. you and me girl...dry spell or reborn virgins!

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  • Nephthysya's Avatar
    Posted by Nephthysya Mon May 12, 2008 4:38pm PDT

    Time for the matter to go to a therapist. I hope he's willing to do that for the sake of both of you. It may be the porn. It may be the weight gain. It may be a matter that is being entirely glossed over by these things. I wouldn't be too quick to decide the cause.

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  • Aurora's Avatar
    Posted by Aurora Mon May 12, 2008 7:03pm PDT

    I would suggest counseling... sex is an important part of marriage and the bond between husband and wife. He shouldn't want to do it alone all the time. if he's no longer interested in his wife, thats a major problem. they need major help. she needs to stop complaining to you and do something to change her situation. it takes two to make a marriage work, with a lot of patience and compromise, if hes too selfish and unwilling to do anything to make things better then she better start packing her bags....

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  • why-bow's Avatar
    Posted by why-bow Mon May 12, 2008 7:20pm PDT

    I hae three words for you DIVORCE HIS ASS!!!!!!!!

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  • Beth's Avatar
    Posted by Beth Mon May 12, 2008 7:23pm PDT

    It sounds like he has a good case of depression. Something only counseling will help him through.

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  • dixielynn11's Avatar
    Posted by dixielynn11 Mon May 12, 2008 7:26pm PDT

    i amthe nosey type iwould make sure that he was not having an affairon me. most of the time when a mandoes this he is in a relationship of some type wheter on the phone or computer or even in person, i would ask and investigate him, my husband kept acting weird toward me and started the blame game and i wasnt even doing anything. i told him to teachme to cheat ive never done it, and he shut right up. he just kept doing itto i gave him a choice either deal eith me or get the heck out. forgiveonce and try todeal with it, if you cant get a divorce.

    sex is a very important part of marriage and if hes not getting itfrom u hes getting it fromsomewhere. dixielynn

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  • shelia s's Avatar
    Posted by shelia s Mon May 12, 2008 7:27pm PDT

    Girl ,god love you just the way you are ,frist of all , dont let your husband be the reason you feel like youre not ,sexy or important ,as far as the porn , your husband really has a problem ,let me tell you what. I would do is fix myself up and get out and enjoy life, life is to short to be unhappy. Know that youre always love even if he dont show it, move on, Pray about it and live. Love Shelia

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  • shelia s's Avatar
    Posted by shelia s Mon May 12, 2008 7:30pm PDT

    Girl ,god love you just the way you are ,frist of all , dont let your husband be the reason you feel like youre not ,sexy or important ,as far as the porn , your husband really has a problem ,let me tell you what. I would do is fix myself up and get out and enjoy life, life is to short to be unhappy. Know that youre always love even if he dont show it, move on, Pray about it and live. Love Shelia

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  • Wiary's Avatar
    Posted by Wiary Mon May 12, 2008 8:23pm PDT

    OMG! He needs therapy, not her! I am sorry. I do not think that divorce is something that should be whimsical, but dude! She needs out if he can't give it up. Sex is important and if his insecurities hold him back, then he needs to know she loves him but will leave him. If she does, he will, of course, say he knew it all along: he is fat and she couldn't stand him. Men! She needs to push his fat butt into therapy, NOW!

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