I want sex more than he does

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  Posted by Judge Rufus Peckham Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:18am PDT

  Um, reverse the genders and the advice columnist would never dream of assuming that the problem MUST lie with the person who is perfectly satisfied with less sex.

  Nowhere did the advice columnist suggest that perhaps the wife needs to evaluate her demands and be more understanding if, indeed, her husband is satisfied with once-a-month sex. It seems to me that I've seen studies where such frequency is within the "normal" range for certain age groups, and we have no idea how old the couple is. The entire focus of the response is that there is a problem solely because the wife feels dissatisfied. The fact that the husband may feel dissatisfied with sex "a few times a week" (which would likely mean most days of the week) is of no import -- according to the advice columnist, of course it's the husband who is the problem.

  Kindly keep this advice in mind when a similar question comes from a man and the genders are reversed because us testosterone-driven creatures are usually the ones wanting more. It seems we are constanly told by people such as this advice columnist that we need to be less selfish, more understanding. No matter what, you see, WE are the problem.

  And you all wonder why we don't take women seriously when it comes to relationship advice?

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  Posted by Chris S Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:52am PDT

  Sounds like he's getting a little something on the side...

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  Posted by Big Bob Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:16am PDT

  Tell him you will give him a ----- anytime you want sex and watch his dsire increase!

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  Posted by David Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:28am PDT

  How many of you have noticed that your husband/partner is usually more amorous in the morning than in the evening? How many of you have wondered that, once spent, he rolls over and falls asleep? How many of you are being just plain selfish?

  I'm not trying to insult you, honestly. But put yourself in your partner's shoes. Does he work hard at a job that is mentally or physically draining? He may simply be too exhausted to give you want you want in the evening. On the other hand, he's fresh and lively in the morning and guess who's not interested now?

  I won't deny that 'getting a little' away from home is possible; but that doesn't mean that it's likely either. Rather, look at your relationship and how much the two of you really spend time together. Not just sitting at the TV after dinner and then going to bed. Not just you at the computer or doing housework while your partner sits or works in some other part of the house. Honestly, just jumping in bed and expecting your partner to perform on command is downright silly!

  Sometimes he has to be teased into play by a strong musical beat and a saucy dance. Sometimes maybe it's better to actually respect his desires and play when HE feels like it. Marriage and sex is a two-way street that needs both partners to work together. Pay attention to him and he'll begin paying attention to you. Isn't that what brought you two together in the first place?

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  Posted by TStar Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:06am PDT

  I feel as if a lot of things were left out in the description. Some points here are valid though about the changes in lifestyle. If either person is working with a new amount of stress in their life that could change things.

  One thing that wasn't mentioned was a self evaluation. Have you gained a lot of extra weight? 20+ pounds? I know that you both love each other and would probably not mention it but gaining alot of weight can be an issue.

  I actually have this problem in my relationship we are fairly young (27f and 32m) I have remained about the same weight since we started dating besides the normal gain of 5 -10 and then loss of that same weight over the holiday season. Although, in Jan I started a new routine workout group and have been making alot of great progress. The only problem with this being that I would like to have even more sex now then before and I was always the one who wanted more anyway.

  I was hoping this article might have some insight for me but it doesn't look like it. I usually chalk up his smaller drive to his work stress/hours, his unhealthily diet, and lack of exercise. He has actually probably put on about 30+ pounds since we met about 3 years ago. But I am still insanely attracted to him.

  I saw one above comment about offering a mouth hug above and laughed. Not an issue from me to him, as I tend to enjoy that just as much, but he isn't really a returner of the favor in that way. Never has been.

  Everything else in our relationship is so wonderful that I have worked with myself to getting used to having sex about once a month.

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  Posted by ??? Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:52pm PDT

  I'm lucky to get it once a year!!! My husband and I had sex 33 times last year. I would love to have sex 33 a month not a year. We still haven't had sex this year '08 :-(

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  Posted by hooka Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:19pm PDT

  Get a vibrator he might get your point

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  Posted by Jess Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:41pm PDT

  Face it ladies, guys lose interest over time. A small % are horn dogs all the time, but who wants that :/

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  Posted by idigwy Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:55pm PDT

  Wow, Mr. Carbolicsmokeball, do you have some issues? I wonder if you read the same advice column I saw. The therapist didn't point fingers and say that he has a problem. The complainant was told to COMMUNICATE and BE SENSITIVE to her husband's feelings. If what you read was, "Hey, your husband has a problem", then maybe you should take the chip off of your shoulder and read it again.

  I have a very similar problem to this, so I can see this woman's concern. Most of my friends are typical women who aren't terribly interested in sex. In fact some of them use sex as a bargaining chip. I personally don't agree with this behavior, just for the record. Sex is a very REAL need in a marriage (no matter which partner happens to have the need), and just like any other need, it requires satisfaction. The person who needs more sex should have that need addressed, just as the person who might want to feel listened to more or not taken for granted as the provider should have those needs addressed. NO marriage is perfect, and success will always require some give and take on the part of BOTH partners. ALL needs should be able to be discussed openly and dealt with lovingly by both partners, and sex is just as important a need as any other.

  So to put Mr. Carbolicsmokeball's comments into gender perspective: Man cheats cause his wife won't "put out": men say it's justified, women say he's a pig. Woman cheats cause her hubby won't put out, men say she's a skanky w----, and so do women (because the majority of them don't want to put out either). Neglecting this need has probably led to more infidelitous situations than the neglect of any other need, thereby destroying more relationships (including family relationships outside of the marriage) than any other problem.

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  Posted by m guy Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:56pm PDT

  it could be he has simply lost interest in her sexually

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