Love + Sex

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  Posted by Aurora Tue May 13, 2008 3:36pm PDT

  if you want a serious relationship you need to build an emotional bond before the physical one. the physical bond can be broken easily if the time was not taken to build the emotional first. Its never a good idea to sleep with someone right away, its much better to wait and get to know them first. the relationship will be much stronger. There is no waiting time limit. everyone relationship is different. but they should be your best friend first.

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  Posted by Nephthysya Tue May 13, 2008 7:33pm PDT

  If I really like someone, I may never have sex with that person. The best love I have ever known among humankind was platonic...really!

  And so many of those "best friends" who turned romantic ended up no longer being friends at all...whether male, female, or anything in-between.

  I don't say this for being a "prude." My partners have literally run into the hundreds. Call me a prude and I will most heartily laugh in your face, just for remembering all those hilarious episodes of titillating performance.

  It's just what love is...some perennial, some not. But all have something to offer. And deciding when to engage in sex should not be tied with those other ties that bind, but instead tied to the parties' being ready for the repercussions of sex.

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  Posted by j9g478 Tue May 13, 2008 10:19pm PDT

  I met a wonderful man in the grocery store(never done that before)that is gave a man my phone number that asked in the store. But there was something that was different about him. He and I just hit it off and he called me and we talked, I met him on Sunday he called me Tues. Wed. several times each day and Thurs I let him come over and we were just drawn to each other and we made love. He came back the next day with my permission and we did it again. He is very good to me brings me gifts, flowers for mothers day and we talk 4 sometimes 5 times a day. It has been two months and we are still going strong. We talk about everything and go out to eat and just enjoy each others company. So far best man I have ever had in my life. When I was younger I would have never done this I would have been contemplating what he would think etc. But I am turning 60 in a couple months and he is 65 and we both just let things happen naturally. We both thought we were destined to end up alone for the rest of our lives but we found each other.

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  Posted by fools_and_sages Wed May 14, 2008 7:00am PDT

  The Three Date Rule?! Three dates can happen in three days! Are you really going to fall into bed with somebody you've spent 9-12 hours with over 3 days?! Sorry. . but the Three Date Rule is ridiculous.

  I ended up dating a guy for nearly a year and a half because the Three Date Rule reared its ugly head. The fact of the matter is that I wished I hadn't done it at all after the first time we did it (date 3, by the way). Within weeks, he fell out of "hot pursuit" mode and became a couch potato. He also went from good hygiene and "guy with goals" to smelly, slovenly, and lazy in a matter of months.

  So, the Three Date Rule can get you roped into something you don't want-- especially when the one you're with starts throwing around the word love. You might end up thinking "Well, I don't love him now but MAYBE I'll love him with time." If I had taken the time to get to know him in the first place, I would have realized I was never going to love this guy and maybe he wouldn't have fallen in love with me after ten minutes of sex-- which ultimately trapped me for nearly 18 months because I didn't want to hurt him.

  My best advice is to get to know somebody before you fall into bed. Date for a few months with nothing more than some heavy petting. Determine if the attraction is merely physical or if it's really based on common interests and values. Determine if the guy is portraying himself as what he really is or if he's portraying himself as what he wants to be (there is a HUGE difference). Determine if he's putting on a good front that he will drop when he settles in or if he's really fun and energetic and willing to participate in your social world.

  After this prolonged "get to know you" period, if he's genuine and you genuinely have feelings for him, go for it. But you can't figure these things out in three dates and you may not figure it out in three months. If he's not willing to wait-- you probably don't need him anyways.

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  Posted by YinYangYo Wed May 14, 2008 7:34am PDT

  sex does not have to equal love and ever after. it does not have to be emotionally complicated. if you're feeling it. go for it. if not. say goodbye. heck, even i know that is BS. i wish it were that simple. i truly do believe we are wrong in thinking sex must equal love or some vague commitment to lasting feelings. sex should be pleasurable in and of itself. unfortunately it's all tied up with societal perceptions of what the act should represent. it should just represent mutual orgasms. but alas why should it be that simple.

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  Posted by Jrabbit Wed May 14, 2008 7:49am PDT

  I am old fashioned and believe that sex should be reserved for marriage. That way you can get to know each other without all of the pressure of having sex on the third date and realize that he or she is not the one for you.

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  Posted by Beth Wed May 14, 2008 9:09am PDT

  There should be no 3 date rule. I think you should have sex with your partner when it feels right to you, when you are comfortable enough with getting nekkid and have the desire to please them on a different level. I don't believe love and sex go hand in hand either, so if it's something you want to happen, then make it so. Besides, from my experience sexual things just kind of happen on their own, the moment was right etc. etc.

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  Posted by purelea2003 Wed May 14, 2008 9:11am PDT

  One of the best reasons to know someone well before becoming sexually intimate isn't very romantic. Actually, it's kind of scarey - STDs. I've heard or read that 1 in 5 people have Herpes, 80% of all women come in contact with HPV by the age of 50. Blind studies show that there are many people blissfully unaware they are HIV positive. STDs in one form or another seem to be more common than the common cold. Even condoms are not 100% effective at preventing STDs. Better to wait - be tested - be sure, than have to make phone calls telling partners they need to go get checked. (Sorry to throw a wet blanket on all that passionate love = hot sex at first sight stuff).

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  Posted by fools_and_sages Wed May 14, 2008 10:33am PDT

  My original post pertained to the actual question-- IF YOU REALLY LIKE SOMEONE, SHOULD YOU WAIT TO HAVE SEX? In response, I basically said to make sure you really like them by taking some time to get to know them.

  I do, however, agree with YinYangYo and Beth when they say that love and sex do not always go hand-in-hand and they don't need to. Sex is honestly a physical need that serves a procreative (baby-making) purpose. Love doesn't have to be involved with satisfying a physical need or making a baby. So love does not equal sex or vice versa.

  You can hook up-- lots of people do it. But hook-ups are usually meaningless and many hook-ups don't lead to a long-term relationship. So, if you want a relationship, you take things slower. If you simply want to "get off", hook up. And purelea is right when she points out that STDs have to be a concern-- but condoms are 99% effective at preventing both STDs and pregnancy if used properly (problem is a lot of guys don't know how to use them right but you can read the instructions youself and make sure they get used right).

  There is one big problem with the "hook up because it feels good" approach to sex. You never know where your potential mutual orgasm partner stands on the "sex vs. love equation" unless you ask or you get to know them before you hook up. But, if you ask, you look like a slut who is out to hook up for one night. On the other hand, if you don't eventually put out and risk that he falls in love immediately, you're a tease (at best) or a cold b---- (at worst).

  So I stand by my original advice-- if you think you REALLY LIKE somebody, you should make sure you REALLY LIKE them and make sure you're on the same page about what sex means. This means you take some time and get to know them because, if you don't, you may find yourself stuck with somebody you don't love who thinks you are in love simply because you screwed them. This makes things much harder in the long run than simply putting the breaks on and going slow to begin with.

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  Posted by JRS Wed May 14, 2008 10:39am PDT

  For me, having amazing sexual chemistry is a very important part of a relationship. I would rather find out right away, so I don't end up starting to like them and then get disappointed when the bedroom stuff doesn't click (which has happened to me a few times).

  I suppose sleeping with someone right away makes me a "slut", but I don't care what other people think when it comes to my relationships. In fact, I slept with my boyfriend on the first night we met, and we've been together for 9 months. And yes, it was mind-blowing (and still is!).

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