If your partner’s flirting made you uncomfortable, would you want them to stop or would you discontinue the relationship altogether?

Finding a faithful partner with whom one can engage in a quality relationship is a very frustrating and disappointing experience for many people. But for some people, the frustration and disappointments don’t always stop once their relationship is well underway. Many people struggle with their relationships in a variety of ways just to keep them afloat, and one age old practice that never truly works is when one partner tries molding the other to their liking.

Extra-relational flirting sparks a great deal of fear in many people causing them to feel insecure and unsafe in their relationship. Being a victim of adultery or malicious adultery greatly attributes to such fear. Many people suffering from such insecurities look to their friends for support and advice, but one thing they’re told that I personally disagree with, if they’re not married yet, is to discuss their insecurities and feelings with their flirtatious partners. The objective here is to convince their partner to stop flirting so that genuine trust can be established between them.

For this objective to yield any kind of success, one must understand why the flirtatious partner is flirting in the first place. One thing I need to make sure that people understand is that when a person is flirting with someone, they’re most likely experiencing a quick sexual fantasy of the person they’re flirting with. You have to ask yourself; if a person has expressed their commitment and fidelity to their partner, then why would they make a conscious choice to engage in behavior that tends to provoke a momentary sexual fantasy of someone other than their partner? If they happen to be flirting because there are some sexual incompatibilities within their relationship, then perhaps civil minded and honest communication could resolve the issue.

On the other hand, I do absolutely believe that many people aren’t experiencing any sexual fantasies whatsoever while they’re flirting. Given the powerfully influential effects that sexual energies can have on a person, I truly believe that if a flirtatious person isn’t sexually fantasizing about the person they’re flirting with, then they’ve very likely compartmentalized their sexuality altogether. But in this case, it’s what causes a person to compartmentalize their sexuality that’s concerning.

A person compartmentalizing their sexuality can be the result of their being sexually and/or emotionally abused and they’ve never truly healed from the psychological wounds caused by such atrocities. Based on my personal experiences, such people are too risky to engage in intimate monogamous relationships with because their ability to truly commit has been weakened.

With regards to couples sharing their feelings and insecurities with each other, I find myself torn between couples who are merely dating and married couples. Considering that marriage is legally only regarded as a financial contract, I think it’s best for spouses to address the issue in hopes of reaching an amicable resolution. However, if they’re just merely dating, a separation based on emotional incompatibilities is much more feasible and far less costly than a divorce.

Granted, extra-relational flirting can be received as inconsiderate and/or inappropriate behavior to begin with, but some flirtatious people simply might not realize the impact that their behavior has on their partner, especially if their relationship has just begun. In this case, some people could simply just be demonstrating a degree of ignorance that could very well be improved once they understand how and why their flirting is hurting their partner. In a situation like this, I think that an open line of communication is beneficial to a couple’s relationship that’s actually worth saving.

But here’s where I’m troubled with open communication in these circumstances. When an insecure person confides in their flirtatious partner and asks them to stop flirting, what they’re ultimately asking for is that their partner changes their authentic self to reflect something more particularly appealing to the insecure person.

Trying to change the characteristics of a person’s authentic self is similar to reprogramming computer software. The software was initially programmed to perform a specific task in a certain way, but now we’re reprogramming the software to do the same task using a completely different method. The “task” in this case reflects a person’s involvement in an ongoing intimate relationship. The change of “method” demonstrates a person’s flirtatious behavior being reprogrammed to non-flirtatious behavior. Rewriting computer software is one thing, but changing a person’s emotional programming or authentic self can be far more challenging.

Asking a flirtatious person to stop flirting is asking them to behave in ways which are out of alignment with their authentic self. When a person’s behavior isn’t true to their authentic self, they’re demonstrating what’s commonly called a false self. This has the potential to cause a person varying degrees of psychological dysfunction. They become torn between who they genuinely are; a flirt in this particular case, versus a pseudo persona where they’re denying their genuine flirtatious urges simply to ease their partner’s insecurities.

In situations like this, the person demonstrating a false sense of self typically becomes restless in their relationship. In time, resentment begins to fester which typically leaks out into their relationship in various forms of emotional abuse towards their insecure partner. Such forms of abuse include emotional distancing, neglect, avoidance, and unnecessary sarcasm subtly geared towards emotionally wounding their partner. This leaves their insecure partner feeling confused and hurt and the relationship continues to crumble.

Since many people believe that extra relational flirting is a form of emotional cheating, I’m going to share something here that I’ve used before in prior articles, it’s called “The Love Bank”. This does a pretty good job of explaining how emotional cheating or extra-relational flirting can damage a couple’s relationship.

THE LOVE BANK:

To explain how emotional cheating can damage a relationship, I’m sharing an example that’s commonly called “The Love Bank”. The Love Bank itself is a hypothetical item that represents a couple’s relationship and the love they share between them. Each time the couple does anything that reflects their love for each other; a coin is deposited to their Love Bank. Each “I love you” that’s said reflects a coin being deposited to their Love Bank. Whenever they hug, kiss, make love, and spend quality time together, etc, coins are deposited to their Love Bank.

The idea of a couple making deposits to their Love Bank reflects their growing love evolving with greater worth, importance and sacred value between them. However, when one partner flirts or commits other forms of emotional cheating with somebody other than their partner, these actions reflect a withdrawal from their Love Bank. This withdrawal is then transferred to a new bank that’s being established with this other person. The more flirting or emotional cheating that this partner does with this other person, the more withdrawals that are being made from their Love Bank which is then transferred to the bank of emotional infidelity that now exist with this other person.

The idea of these withdrawals from a couple’s Love Bank reflects their love diminishing between them. The more their love diminishes, the more unstable their relationship becomes. Think about what happens with a real-to-life bank account. When your withdrawals are greater than your deposits, your balance gradually decreases. However, it can only decrease just so much before you’ve finally overdrawn your account. Once you’ve overdrawn on your love bank, your relationship has then completely deteriorated.

So the ultimate question remains; is extra-relational flirting wrong, or is it completely harmless depending on the circumstances? Ultimately, I think the only answer that truly matters is what’s mutually agreed upon between two people forming their relationship together. But if two such people happen to disagree over something like this as they’re forming their relationship, then maybe this is the time for them to acknowledge their incompatibilities with each other and simply discontinue their relationship before someone gets hurt.

Wishing everyone a beautiful day!

Peace, Love and Harmony,,, Shawn