Is it evil to deny your ex-partner the knowledge that you’ve forgiven them?

I’ve come to realize that surviving a divorce that’s ended by traumatic means may yield many phases of enlightenment and personal and spiritual growth that may never truly end. It truly is impressive to disconnect from your egoic mind and watch your emotions change from shock, to denial, to acknowledgment, to hurt, to anger, to fear, to resentment, to surrender, and then for a while, to acceptance. Then you go through an amazing analytical phase of self-discovery to eventually find that you’ve practically been reborn with evolved ideals, knowledge, awareness, and insight. But to come to a point in time to where you’re questioning whether or not the evil that once punished you has been transferred into your own hands is breathtaking.

Since my separation and divorce, not only have I analyzed my life, my ex-wife and my relationship with her, I’ve also studied the evolution of others in similar circumstances. I recently read a person’s text whose ex cheated on them and they actually stated that several years after the fact, they’d still enjoy the idea of abusive sex with a woman because making her cry would actually make him feel better. WTF? In looking back through all my thoughts and emotions over the past three years, I’ve never once had a single sadistic thought towards my ex-wife. In seeing the pent up anger and resentment that this person and many others like him obviously harbor, I thank God that I’ve grown and evolved as I have.

My ex-wife’s infidelity was obviously wrong and I think any sane and rational person would agree that malicious adultery simply can’t be justified regardless of the circumstances. But I think what separates my evolution from many other victims of cheating and adultery is that I’ve put forth a genuine effort to learn and understand the reasons that may have attributed to my ex-wife’s behavior and actions. This course of study has left me feeling rather stunned as I’ve learned of various ways that evil perpetuates itself within our species.

One of the many things that victims of adultery and cheating are encouraged to explore is forgiveness. Somewhere along the way, I came across a quote by writer Josh Billings that reads “There is no revenge as complete as forgiveness”. To this day, I honestly believe in my heart that this is absolutely true. However, I’ve come to believe that there are many levels of forgiveness and I think it’s this next level that I’m experiencing right now that’s making me question that perhaps I’m now in a position to harbor and perpetuate evil.

Without explaining personal details that’s really nobody’s business, my ex-wife has lived a fairly traumatic life. She is in fact a victim of childhood abuse and I was absolutely unaware of this all throughout my relationship with her. But in learning the effects that childhood abuse can have on a person well into their adult years and even into death, I fear that where I’m currently at in my level of forgiveness has put me very much at a crossroads. Do I let my ex-wife know that I’ve forgiven her and harbor no ill will towards her whatsoever and that I hope she’s able to go forward in her life with a healthy sense of peace, love and harmony? Or do I deny her the knowledge that I’ve forgiven her which I now understand has the potential to influence greater emotional and psychological trauma in her life?

A crossing thought; if I deny her the knowledge that I’ve forgiven her while knowing what this can potentially do to her, aren’t I then displaying the same degree or more of sadism as the guy who openly said that making a woman cry would actually make him feel good? Wouldn’t this mean that I haven’t truly forgiven my ex-wife? Wouldn’t this mean that I’ve succumb to evil? Wouldn’t this mean that I’ve ultimately failed as a man? This FEELS unacceptable to me and if I’m to be true to my authentic self and continue evolving along the path that feels purposed for me, then I must tell my ex-wife that I’ve genuinely forgiven her, that I’ve released her and harbor no ill will towards her, and I’ve moved on with my life.

My ex-wife could obviously receive my thoughts positively or negatively or she might outright suggest that I’ve become a good candidate for the rubber room. But that’s not really for me to worry about. However, as a man and as a human being who feels true to his personal growth and evolution, I feel I’m right about what I must do and if not for her, then at least for me. As I’ve already said, I’ve learned that forgiveness has many levels and I’m ready to take the next step. To be offered a choice between sadism and righteousness at this point in my life feels like I’ve given the key that unlocks the continuance of my journey forward. I shall take the key!

Wishing everyone a beautiful day!

Peace, Love and Harmony,,, Shawn