Since I've become a single parent, I've been re-examining a lot that, as a married parent, I simply took for granted. In this new life, I definitely have rules, particularly dating rules, that I didn't have back when I had a husband.
One of my rules is that I don't have men over to my apartment. Period. Not when my son is away for the weekend with his dad, not when he's tucked in bed and sound asleep. It's a choice I made when I started dating that feels comfortable to me, helps me compartmentalize being a mother and being a woman, and is a way I express my respect for the three-foot 4-year-old who shares a home with me. My home is an intimate, vulnerable place that is scattered with sippy cups and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and it is going to take someone pretty special to see that part of my life.
It has worked well. There have definitely been people I've gone on a few dates with who I am very glad now do not know my address. And it has been complicated. Some evenings when it would be comfortable and lovely to have that one cute guy over for take-out and some movie on cable, I have to find a way to make plans outside my home that are just as comfortable and lovely. It has also been confusing. Not to me, but to some of the men I've gone out with, including one who stared at me quizzically as if I was speaking some kind of dog language and another who wasn't patient enough to see if he was the one who would break through the restriction and the front door (oh well). Finally, I know I will eventually bend, break, or completely banish the rule.
But for now, the rule sticks. I'm not trying to be overly conservative and I don't judge other people who make different rules and choices. This is just what I can live with for myself as a single mom dating, for now.
All that said, when I read this post by Dr. Leah Klungness on SingleMommyHood that asks if it is OK for single parents to have sex when their kids are asleep in the next room, my first reaction was "no no NO!" But Leah makes such a beautifully-written, compelling argument about how single parents, and especially moms, need to be able to express their sexuality, have adult time, and share companionship - sometimes in their own home and sometimes after-hours, that the "no" started to fade.
Could it be that - given the situation is safe and the kids never know - that having a partner over for some private time behind closed bedroom doors could be an expression of self-care and maybe even happy and healthy?
Leah's post made me question my rule. Now, I am not ready to strip it away (yet), but I definitely have stuff to think about when it comes to dating, sex, and my own boundaries.
What do you think? Is it OK for single parents to have sex while the kids are sleeping?
And should the rules for a single parent's sex life be different than the rules for parents who live together or are married?
Take a breather:
[photo credit: Getty Images]
