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Dear Em & Lo,
When living with a man, is it a healthy sexual relationship if you masturbate (alone) more than you have sex together? He seems not interested during the week so I take care of my own needs. What can I do?
– Diddley
Dear Did,
It’s fine! No two people’s libidos match up exactly — a fact that becomes especially clear once couples start living together. Some people want sex more, some want it less. There’s no “correct” number of times a couple should do it in a week that reflects a healthy relationship. We think taking matters into your own hands, literally, is a great thing to do — you scratch an itch without pressuring your partner into something he’s not in the mood for. As long as you don’t resent him for “making” you resort to masturbation, and as long as he doesn’t feel left out, there’s no problem — just enjoy! If you do feel resentment, then you’ve got to talk to him about ways you might make more regular sex more appealing to him. If he feels left out, then you’ve got to gently explain to him that you’d much rather have him come along for the ride, but if he’s not going to jump on then he can’t expect you to go without your joy rides.* You can certainly try to keep your self-love seshes a private thing behind closed doors, if that helps. But pretending you don’t ever masturbate would be akin to lying — which is definitely not healthy. Both of you should realize that masturbation is a natural part of life that can relieve stress, get you in touch with your body, and most importantly, even out differing libidos to help keep the sexual peace in a long-term monogamous relationship.
Love yourself,
Em & Lo
To ask Em & Lo your own advice question, click here.
*By the way, we’re assuming your joy rides aren’t compulsive and interfering with your work, your ability to bathe, your desire to have sex with your partner on the weekends — if they are, then you probably want to consider professional help.
