Love + Sex

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Is Lust More Important Than Emotional Stability?

We've written a lot about how marriage is a financial arrangement, romance eventually fizzles, and having kids can make your once-bottomless libido as dry as an unused diaper. So it would seem to be common knowledge that passion, while important in the beginning of a relationship, isn't what makes a marriage work. But according to a new study from researchers at the University of Iowa, since the 1930's people's desire for traits like dependability and stability have fallen, while their wishes for lust and love have risen. Have Hollywood myths and the fetishization of romance messed up our ideas about what we should look for in a mate?

The study asked college students to rate the importance of various characteristics of their future mate. Back in the '30s men wanted women to be dependable, chaste and able to whip up a good meatloaf. Women wanted men to be ambitious and emotionally stable. Lust and love didn't even make the top three. These days both sexes rate mutual attraction and desire as the most important characteristic in their future mate.

"Marriage used to be a practical arrangement. Getting married for love or attraction was considered foolish and perhaps even dangerous," said the author of the study.

Eighty years ago college was an extended husband-finding exercise for many women so the gals participating in the study may have done more thinking about their future spouse, and thus been more realistic about what makes a marriage work. And since these days people are waiting to marry, people in their early 20s may not be thinking about long-term compatibility.

But maybe times really have changed, and everlasting desire is now a necessary component of marriage, while stability and dependability aren't. Or perhaps people are just deluded, and think that sexual chemistry is more important than it really is. What do you think?

Written by Sarah Harrison for YourTango.com

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Comments 1-10 of 60
  • a c's Avatar
    Posted by a c Mon Feb 9, 2009 10:59am PST

    Women needed their men to be "dependable" because woman had no resources of their own. So now that we do... we have evolved. We shall see how it plays out in the future. Personally, I don't find "emotional stability" in the bank account. Do I find it bed with my spouse? Yup, I sure do.

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  • Adam F's Avatar
    Posted by Adam F Mon Feb 9, 2009 11:26am PST

    NO !!!!!! it is to me , but maybe thats why im single....

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  • JennA's Avatar
    Posted by JennA Mon Feb 9, 2009 12:08pm PST

    Lust is for 20 year olds. Chemistry, definately... it takes a few times each kid and they say that they always come out cuter when it's done right (with love, not just a financial addition and/or investmennt)

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  • None's Avatar
    Posted by None Mon Feb 9, 2009 12:15pm PST

    Another stupid meaningless research poll, seriously who comes up with this crap? First its one thing then another, just believe what you want and be who you are, hope no one takes this site serious.

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  • Diane's Avatar
    Posted by Diane Mon Feb 9, 2009 2:27pm PST

    In a matrimony (mariage) is a sign of love in a world that hungers for STABILITY and COMMITMENT! The truth is, love is a decision and not is just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better. Have Fath, Hope, and the greatest is Love! Ps. Don't get me wrong, we all do need "Lust" at times! Smile!

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  • DechenK's Avatar
    Posted by DechenK Mon Feb 9, 2009 4:56pm PST

    LOVE OR STABILITY FOR MARRIGES FOR COUPLE OR FOR SINGLE TO MINGLE LIFE PARTNER, I REALLY DON'T TRUST. BECAUSE, WORLD IT SELF IS FULL OF F... AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW OR KNEW WHAT, OUR LIFES GOT TO DO WITH IT. JUST, IMAGINE THAT IF YOU ARE LOW PROFILE PERSON INCASE OF WOMEN OR MEN THAT,LOW PROFILE PERSON IS INDULGED IN SEX SHE, IS COUNTED w----, IF HIGH PROFILE IS INDULGE THAN, ITS IS COUNTED ITS THEIR WAY OF LIFE. IF, MEN IS IN IT THAN HE IS SAID GIGOLO OR HI-FI PERSON CAN DO ANYTHING I HIS WORLD. THIS COMMENTS IS FOR ALL THE READERS IN THIS BLOG.

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  • Rae's Avatar
    Posted by Rae Mon Feb 9, 2009 5:54pm PST

    Just be yourselves and if it dosent work out then move on. Try not to hurt anyone if you can. Nothing is forever and nobody came with instructions stuck to their bum when they were born. Love ya.-Rachel.

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  • doodr's Avatar
    Posted by doodr Mon Feb 9, 2009 7:20pm PST

    "just be yourselves" is a catch-all excuse girls like to use so they can act however they want and feel they are justified.

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  • Brandon's Avatar
    Posted by Brandon Mon Feb 9, 2009 7:42pm PST

    I was married for 3 years and my ex-wife used me. i thought she was the one, i wanted a good life with a woman i can trust and depened on when i need it the most, not for sex. I can't believe that all my ex's just wanted sex. it's kind of sick. I still haven't found a girl that is trusting, caring, and wants to be with me for me. so, they say that men are dogs? wtf ever. all women want is sex and it's disgusting.

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  • lost-n-lust's Avatar
    Posted by lost-n-lust Mon Feb 9, 2009 7:45pm PST

    my friend said she wanted to go dumpster diving at my house cause i throw away perfectly good men. the truth is i didn't lust at after them. i think i need that more than anything else. i have a great job, great house & a great life. but throw down that lust card & i wont kick him out of bed..., well if i did, i would do him on the floor!

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