Love + Sex

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Is there anything wrong with snooping?

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m a snooper. I snoop in my kids email, cell phone logs, computer history, rooms and backpacks, and occasionally take a peek into my husband’s wallet and cellphone call/text log.  True, I work as a professional investigator, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.  I think I snoop because I have a constant need to be on top of every situation all the time.  With my kids, I simply like to monitor their friends, conversations, and activities so that I won’t have too many surprises down the road. With my husband, however, it’s a whole nother ballgame.

The truth of the matter is I’ve been the victim of infidelity in the past and don’t EVER want to be blindsided like that again.  Does that give me a license to snoop hence forth and forever more? Sure it does.  In my opinion, once someone betrays trust in a relationship, they forfeit their right to a blanket expectation of privacy.  Now, I’m not suggesting that it’s okay to do a complete cavity search every day upon his arrival home from work, but I do believe that I am entitled to an occasional sneak peek into the coat pocket every now and again.  Perhaps this is a testament to my inability to forgive or move past prior transgressions, or maybe I just need reassurance from time to time that everything is cool on the home front.  But for whatever reason… I am a snooper. 

So my question is, is it wrong to snoop, especially when there is no outward indication that something is wrong?  Is snooping a sign of insecurity or immaturity, or do spouses/parents have an incontestable right to look anywhere, anytime they want to, as long as they're prepared to handle what they find? 

I’d appreciate opinions from both snoopers and non-snoopers alike.

Danine Manette

Ultimate Betrayal

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 123
  • sheeda's Avatar
    Posted by sheeda Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:03pm PDT

    well i personally only snoop if i have a reason too like the saying goes if you go looking for something you just might find it, so snooping on a every day basis i think is a sign of insecurity on your behalf do you ask yourself sometimes what am i doing i know you have to drive yourself crazy because your always looking for something you should stop snooping you have trust issues with in yourself

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  • Fae's Avatar
    Posted by Fae Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:38pm PDT

    I used to snoop like crazy when I was a kid. I don't do it anymore, maybe because this is my house and I know where everything is. Is your current husband the one that was unfaithful to you? If so, I think you don't fully trust him yet. If he wasn't the one, maybe you are punishing him for someone else's mistake.

    I'm not going to lie though, when I clean out my husband's pants to go in the laundry, I pay attention to everything I remove. To quote Ra's al Ghul, always mind your surroundings.

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  • Ms. Blue's Avatar
    Posted by Ms. Blue Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:36pm PDT

    Danine snooping is definitely a sign of lack of trust when it comes to your husband. You said that in the past you have been cheated on and don't want to be blindsided again. First, if your husband is not the one that cheated on you he does not deserve the baggage from previous relationships. You are putting yourself in a situation that could be detrimental to your marriage. You should trust people unless they give you a reason to not trust them. If you husband is the one that cheated on you, you will never forget what he did but if you expect for your marriage to be healthy and their to be happiness you will have to forgive him and if you can't you don't need to be with him. True there is no time limit to your forgiving him however, everyday you should take strides in that direction. As for your kids my parents were not snoopers. However, I do feel that if you are suspicious about your children's activities, friends, etc. you do have the right to make sure that things are on track. After all as a parent your job is to make sure that your kids are on the path to be become productive citizens. However, just snooping to scratch your itch is totally inappropriate.

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  • Lori D's Avatar
    Posted by Lori D Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:10pm PDT

    You would exaust me. You actually spend your own personal time worrying about other people's personal belongings? Wow!!! I bet if you focused all that energy on yourself you would find out why you have such a compulsive need to snoop. No it's not because of the work you do. I don't like coming home during my personal time and giving out loans to friends and family. Just remember, would you feel betrade if one of your loved ones went through your personal things or felt that they did not trust you?

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  • springtime's Avatar
    Posted by springtime Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:22pm PDT

    If he is home every night with you, why are you doubting him? Snooping is doubting. Doubting means you do not trust him. Who owns the problem here?

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  • breezyp@ymail.com's Avatar
    Posted by breezyp@ymail.com Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:51pm PDT

    I understand where the others are coming from. However I think it takes a person who has been there to understand what you are feeling. From your post I got that it was your current husband who was unfaithful, and if that is the case, I 1000% agree with you, once a person has cheated they have given up ANY assumption of privacy. I also gathered from you post that you don't do it all the time, only once and a while. I think that is fine.

    As far as your kids, I think you are being a good parent by snooping. Now in my twenties I can honestly say that my mom snooping on me when I was a teenager very much kept me on track and probably saved my life.

    In short, if it is not all of the time, I think it is fine.

    Good Luck!!!

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  • Just so you know -'s Avatar
    Posted by Just so you know - Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:27pm PDT

    I wish we never had to do this, but unfortunately, sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where someone is not telling us the truth and we know it. My snooping saved me from leaving my job and moving to another city when my husband was hooking up in the new town with someone else. My snooping allowed me to find my son's car stocked with alcohol for an evening of drinking at the age of 16. You know when something is up. That is when it OK to find out what that is. Otherwise, if you have no reason to snoop, don't.

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  • jac's Avatar
    Posted by jac Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:11pm PDT

    I think your snooping is totally wrong. I would not trust you, even to turn my back on you. Snooping is just another word for control freak. I am willing to bet you got your husband and kids all freaked out with you. If you don't stop it no one will ever trust you again.

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  • elle's Avatar
    Posted by elle Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:12am PDT

    Yes, it's wrong. Invading, snooping, searching for ??? I've never done it, not to my daughter or husband. Then again, I've never had a reason or been insecure.

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  • elle's Avatar
    Posted by elle Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:19am PDT

    BTW... When I say insecure I don't mean that as insult - simply put- I've never been given the reason to feel someone I love was hiding something from me.

    I do know parents who have had to search through their kids things because school progress notes or letters from school weren't be given to the parents to sign or look at. Also, on a more serious note some parents often suspected their kids of smoking or doing drugs. Loving your child and caring about their health - yes, snoop and continue to if you suspect anything and feel their are lying.

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