If you're to believe your husband or that chatty co-worker, you're not having as much sex as you should. Poll a few moms on the playground, though, and they'll have an entirely different take on the subject. So who's right and who's wrong? And if your drive has recently taken a nosedive, is there anything you can do about it? We asked readers what they'd like to know about libido, then posed the questions to a panel of experts. Their answers will make you rethink the meaning of "normal" and help you enjoy a healthier—and hotter—sex life.
Q. I've been happily married for 11 years and have
three kids, but for the past six months I've had zero interest
in sex. Is there something wrong with me?
A. "Absolutely not! Parenting is a full-time job, so
it's not surprising that sex is taking a backseat to your
responsibilities," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a sociology
professor at the University of Washington. "Before you know
it, a few months have gone by."
The first step toward resuscitating that lackluster libido: Make time for yourself. Book a sitter for a few afternoons a week—or ask your husband or a close friend to pitch in—and hit the gym. Exercise not only gives you energy, it can also boost your mood and self-esteem.
While you're at it, do things that make you feel more attractive. Touch up your roots, get a pedicure, or simply spritz on your favorite perfume (even if you're just picking up the kids from soccer practice). After a few weeks, you should start to feel like yourself again—instead of "so-and-so's mom"—and your interest in sex will likely return, says Schwartz. (If that doesn't happen, talk to your doctor or a therapist; a larger issue, like depression, may be the cause.)
Another activity to work into your busy schedule: sex. "Sometimes you have to go for it even when you're not into it," says Terry Real, a therapist in Boston. Instead of waiting for a thunderbolt of desire, kiss and caress each other and let things progress. Nothing may come of this the first few times, or you may need to push yourself. But, like dragging yourself to the gym when you'd rather sit on the couch, you'll be happy you did it.
To prevent your drive from waning again, continue carving out
"me" time and plan a few grown-ups–only weekends with
your husband (ask a relative if she can stay overnight, then escape
to a local hotel). If it's impossible to get away, book a
sitter and go to dinner and a movie.
Q. My boyfriend always wants to do it in the morning,
but I prefer it at night. How can we get in sync?
A. Before you can tackle synchronicity, you have to figure
out why your timing is off. Guys often want sex simply because
they're physically aroused (translation: They wake up with an
erection), while many women need to feel relaxed to get in the
mood—something that's more likely to happen after dark. Body
insecurities and stress can also put the brakes on morning romps.
It's hard to fully let go if you're worried about how your
abs look in the light of day or you're composing a to-do list
in your head.
"Be honest with your guy about why you're not into morning sex and ask him if you can take turns doing it on each other's schedules," says Real. Keep the shades down and sheets up if it makes you feel more comfortable, but try to remember that your boyfriend loves you and finds you attractive—and that your list making can wait till after breakfast. To get him on board with evening sessions, try eating dinner and turning off the TV early a few nights a week. Also give Saturday or Sunday afternoons a go—they can be a perfect middle ground.
Go to
Shape.com for more answers to
your sex drive questions.
More from SHAPE:
Keep Boredom Out of the Bedroom
6 sex solutions for common complaints
Change Your Lifestyle, Improve Your Sex Life
Simple tweaks to your routine can revive your drive.
Get Closer to Your Guy
7 tips to strengthen your relationship
