Remember how I said in my last post that Janet and I are still together? Well, scratch that. Not after last night.

Yesterday during the day, she'd said she wanted to talk more, which meant that I spent the afternoon thinking of what I could possibly say to settle her nerves. I also came up with a risky strategy. If she started moving toward break-up, I would suggest we take a week break. It would suck, and might be the end of things, but I thought there was a chance we might appreciate each other more and decide for certain that we wanted to be together.

We hung out after she got off work, just kind of sitting on the couch and talking, and the more we talked, the more we realized that other night hadn't really resolved anything.

"We said we'd take it slow, but what does that mean, anyway?" Janet asked.

"I don't know. I guess we didn't really define that."

"Maybe not hanging out every night?"

"I think that might be part of it."

"But the thing is, I still don't trust you. I can't even see that you've added a friend on Facebook without wondering whether it's someone you used to date."

"Well, I didn't date the two today. Heck one of them is married."

"I know. But if I can't trust you, I can't do this."

(Here, I hesitated a moment. Should I suggest taking a week-long break? No, I just couldn't pull the trigger.)

"What are you saying?" I finally said.

"I think we really do need to break up."

I couldn't sleep last night. And now, today, I'm tearing up as I write this. I can't remember the last time I felt this bad (maybe when I lost a job a few years ago). How did I let this relationship slip through my fingers?

Now, every text message I get, I wish was from her. Every time my computer says I have a new e-mail, I wish showed her name. Every time my cell phone rings, I wish her number popped up on the screen.

On the bright side, my friends are being so great. The closest ones, the only ones I've told, have all expressed their sympathy, in words, e-mails, hugs, and it makes me really happy to know they are here for me. Same for my parents, who I called earlier today. I think they are bummed about it themselves because they really liked her.

I realize that Janet and I didn't date that long, but we fell so fast for each other that it feels like our time together was much longer. I just can't help thinking that this is not the way things are supposed to be.

Tonight is a going-away party for a friend of mine who is moving. Something tells me I might have more than one drink.

Posted by J.H.


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