Cont. from
Holla Back ...
I sort of felt like Popeye had just tied my entire stomach into a
knot. There was a 10 second pause on the phone. "Ummm," I finally
managed to stammer. My own voice had started quivering, too. "I
really don't know what to say. Wow. I guess, thanks for telling
me?" I'm not usually one for a loss of words, but my brain was
having a difficult time processing what I had just been told,
making it difficult to articulate exactly what I was feeling. Which
was confused, mostly, but also shocked, heartbroken, and a little
angry.
I asked her to elaborate. The gist: She was on the verge of
starting a new job. She still had a sour taste in her mouth from
her last relationship, which she hadn't told me much about, but
which I gathered did not end well based on what little evidence I
had gleaned. She was really content with her existing circle of
friends, and invested a lot of time and effort into maintaining
those relationships. Basically, she was at a crossroads of sorts in
her life, and her station in life did not allow for a boyfriend at
this particular moment. While we hadn't had anything even closely
resembling the "relationship" talk, she was concerned that things
were sort of headed in that direction. So she wanted to voice her
concerns sooner rather than later.
While the call may have come out of left field, I had picked up on
some of her unease before. A week ago, while in bed, I had jokingly
asked her if she was my "girlfriend"; her nervous laughter
indicated that she wasn't exactly comfortable with the label. And
while Jessica was affectionate in private, she had an aversion to
partaking in "couple-y" behavior in public (holding hands, light
physical contact, etc.) Which I initially chalked up to her being a
fiercely independent gal, but in light of what she had just told
me, well, you know.
We talked for nearly two hours. Where did this leave us? We weren't
quite sure. After all, we both still genuinely liked each other and
enjoyed each other's company; cutting things off now wasn't
something either of us was particularly inclined to do. But then,
now that this cloud had been cast over everything, things that
yesterday seemed natural--trading witty banter over IM for hours
each day at work, or getting inappropriately drunk on a random
Sunday night at our favorite local dive bar--seemed anything but
natural. And part of me wasn't even sure I actually *did* want to
keep hanging out.
But my intuition has always been pretty sound, and it was telling
me that walking away wasn't the best move. I had always assumed
that "I'm not ready for a relationship" is code for "I'm not ready
for a relationship *with you.*" Part of me understood her feeling
that the timing was off, but I was also pretty sure I hadn't
totally misconstrued all of our previous interactions over the
previous month. Then again, that could just be my male ego
talking.
It was now 2 a.m. Tired and emotionally drained, we agreed to talk
in person the next day. I hung up the phone and tried to go to
sleep, to no avail.
My feeling is that it's kind of crazy to stop seeing someone
because you're not sure how things will work out in the future.
Human emotions, after all--particularly when it comes to this--are
always subject to change. I guess some people exercise a little
more discretion, though. What do you guys think?
Posted by J.H.
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