Last night, when Janet got off work, we got together. She was
still really upset, but also not quite ready to end things. She
said things like: I m just confused. Half of me loves you, and
half of me wants to get out before I get hurt anymore." The truly
ironic thing is that at the same time that she was having mixed
feelings about me, the thought of losing her had caused all any of
my commitment issues to melt away.
I guess that s what they mean when they say you don t know what
you ve got until it s gone. Or almost gone, anyway.
It s clear that a level of innocence between us has been lost. I
guess this is inevitable in any relationship, but it s come too
soon for us. We ve only been dating for a few months, we re newly
in love, and we re supposed to be cruising through the honeymoon
period not fighting over issues of jealousy and trust. But strong
feelings bring all your emotional nerve endings to the surface,
which makes suspicions that much more intense. We still had moments
of happiness and laughter last night, but they were darkened by a
sense that the magic was lost.
Janet said that while the love was there, neither of us was mature
enough to make it work, and that the timing was just off. This kind
of reasoning kills me, because as much as I ve spent the past few
years being a cynic about love, I do believe that on those rare
occasions when you find it, timing" is just an excuse to back
out because you re too scared of this amazing thing somehow not
working out down the road.
Anyway, by the end of the night, Janet hadn t dumped me, but I had
this terrible pit in my stomach. It was so boneheaded of me to
write that e-mail, and while it wasn t cool of her to read it, the
end result was her feeling hurt and suspicious of me.
But I ve resolved to do everything I can to show her just how
crazy about her I am, how much in love I am, and how devoted to her
I am. It s damn near impossible to prove to someone that you re
not cheating on them, but that doesn t mean I can t show
her that she s always on my mind
Posted by J.H.
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