long distance and Marriage

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  Posted by Tracia Sun Nov 8, 2009 1:32pm PST

  Hi Holly!

  I was in a very similiar relationship, we lived 3 hours away and spent every weekend together and a week of vacation together. I thought things were wonderfully perfect and we were married. Turns out he wasn't the man I thought he was and we are now divorcing after 1 year of marriage.

  The things I couldn't see are the things that are deal breakers for me. Turns out he is an alcoholic.

  Please be very careful before you proceed with the marriage, things are very different once you are together daily.

  I wish you all the best!

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• 
  Posted by Larry Sun Nov 8, 2009 2:08pm PST

  Holly,

  Before I got Married I lived and worked with my wife 24/7 for 3 years. I figured that after that we would understand each other as much as anyone could. It is not true. Even living togather does not reveal how a person will be when you change the condition of the expectations of the relationship. When you marry you acquire entitlements, and thease may create resentments that will build in time. I now think that the most important thing is, that both of you give very high importance to the needs of the other person. Both of you must constantly work to understand your spouses need for intimacy, (intellectual and physical), trust, forgiveness, and 100 other things that your partner may not even realize are needs. You must constantly strive to understand, respect and work to meet those needs. Dont waste time explaining your needs, spend time asking about his. (and vice versa)

  Also, moving in will esentially restart your relationship all over. You may have good communication and are attracted to eachother, but now you will learn about each others anoying habbits begin to grate on you, and when you get married again you will need to learn how to deal with taking each other for granted. If both of you don't understand that you must put constant effort on this, chances are your doomed.

  Work hard, have fun, give in...

  Love every chance you get.

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• 
  Posted by PA granny Sun Nov 8, 2009 2:11pm PST

  I dated someone for three years, we lived in different cities and I had no idea he was an alcoholic. I didn't see him drinking during the week and didn't think twice about him drinking on Friday and Saturdays as I was letting my hair down then as well. He drank more than me, but everyone drinks more than me. I would not move in with him and I would postpone the wedding until you know him a lot better.

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• 
  Posted by tammy Mon Nov 9, 2009 5:15am PST

  Holly,

  I would take the chance to move in with him and see what happens. Try not to rush into the marriage though. Even spending a lot of physical time together doesnt mean everything will be perfect. I've seen a one year marraige on the rocks and they lived together a year before marriage and had been dating awhile. Give the move in a shot and see how the two of you conenct in person. August is less than a year away...You may want to spend more time living with him to get to know him better before marriage. Good Luck!

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