Monogamy: A myth?

From the Community…

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  Posted by Robin Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:16am PDT

  If you think about it, this idea of monogamy that we've been brought up to believe in is really only a societal structure. From the time we are babies, we are taught that men and women marry and only stay with each other. If someone else is involved, then that's the end of the relationship. But does that really make sense?

  Just because you love and are committed to another person doesn't mean you don't still have attractions to other people or biological compulsions to be with others. I think, male or female, those feelings are natural. It is the social boundaries we place on ourselves that make us think it's wrong.

  That said, since we live in this society where monogamy is the norm while we struggle against our nature, each of us has to find what works for us. In your case, you are obviously not willing to share your husband. You want monogamy and that's a wonderful thing. You need to find someone who wants and believes in that too. But another option that you might consider is having more of an open relationship with your husband.

  The thing about cheating is that it is done in secret and hidden, which makes it feel wrong on all sides. Talk with your partner about how he feels about your relationship, what he wants and what he needs, and then counter with your own wants and needs. If you both are comfortable with seeing other people, or even including them in your sexual relationship, then why not give each other the freedom to explore? Why give up what you have with someone you love and connect with? There may be an alternative.

  I know this may sound strange, but having been through many relationships myself and been the cheater in one or two, I just don't see the sense in making a huge deal about monogamy. I am currently married and I talk very frankly with my husband about my wants and needs, and encourage him to do the same. We've had this discussion because I know that sometime down the road, I may want to be with someone else sexually. Plus, since I am the only woman he has ever been with, I think that he might want to do the same at some point. I don't see a reason to divorce should this happen. We still love each other and our relationship is extremely strong. But we know that if this issue ever does arise, what we can deal with and what we can't.

  For example, if I know what's going on and it doesn't turn into a lasting relationship, I don't have a problem with my husband exploring his sexuality with someone else. He also understands that monogamy used to be an issue in my past relationships and is comfortable with me exploring if that's what I need, as long as I'm open about it with him.

  Now, this is great in theory and since it's never been put into practice, I can't tell you that it works. But knowing that at least mentally we have established this makes a big difference. Who knows? Maybe if it really happens we will feel very different, but at least the communication is there and we know that we can do what's best for our relationship and not necessarily what society deems acceptable. In the meantime, I'm comfortable and so is my husband.

  I don't know if any of this has helped you, but I hope at least it's given you a different perspective on your situation.

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