Hi. I really need some guidance here. I've been with my
boyfriend for over a year. He's in his late 40's, never
been married and a workaholic. I am told by him and others around
him that he has never worked so hard to make a relationship work as
he has in this one. We've lived together for 8 months. I am
really head over heels in love with him except for one big
issue...He's totally hung up on his ex girlfriend. They had a
very tumultuous relationship. They both cheated on each other,
fought constantly and she's even bloodied his face. She
borrowed thousands of dollars from him which she never paid back.
I'm told she would come back around, they would have sex,
she'd borrow money and then split. Well this went on for years.
Supposedly he'd had enough, that hadn't communicated in
months and that's when I met him. Well after a couple of months
of living together, it came to light during our relationship that
he was texting her, sent her a gift and was pretty much courting
her again. I found that one night he was watching porn of them
together. We started to go to therapy to address this issue and
were told that he had a sexual addiction to her.
A couple months ago she called the house and left a message
inviting him over! I called her back and found out that after our
therapy sessions he would go over there. They never slept together
since we've been together but I was still crushed. My boyfriend
suggested we all three sit down to finally get everything in the
open. When we did, she told me that she didn't even know he had
a girlfriend. He had been going over there and texting her all
along since we'd been together. The girl was very nice and
apologetic. She said she never wanted to hear from him again and
hoped that he would change for me and my daughter's sake. My
boyfriend and I began to rebuild our relationship. Even though he
has not contacted her since, he still searches her out on the
internet every night. Every single night he goes through her
myspace and googles her looking for info. Here's my question.
What would you do about this? I am a mom to two young girls who
everyday love him more and more. Am I wasting my time in this
relationship? Should I get out now before we get any more attached
to him? I don't believe this will ever change. It's so
hurtful because I love him so much and am so good to him and this
behavior tells me that he still loves her. Is it possible I'm
overreacting or would you feel the same way? I would appreciate any
thoughts you have on this situation. Thank you.
My Boyfriend can't let go of an ex. What would you do?
user
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From the Community…
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Posted by Sat Jul 18, 2009 8:45am PDT
Report AbuseOMG! Why are you exposing your children to this man. Sex addiction? I'd say it's more of an obsession. Every NIGHT he Googles and searches for her? Why in the world would he have the three of you sit down and talk it out. WTF is up with that? Was he hoping you all could make a happy threesome and live together? Would you want your girls to date a guy like this? I get that you love him and I'm sure he has some great qualities, but why would you want to SHARE him and not only that but be SECOND best. He's in his 40's too and that's even scarier. Sounds like he's had a lifetimes of issues and I'm betting you don't know MOST of them. GET OUT!
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Posted by Sat Jul 18, 2009 12:23pm PDT
Report AbuseYeah, he is a stalker.
You said the therapist said he had a sex addiction to his ex.
Well, did y'all ever go and fix his addiction? I mean, you can't just say no to an addiction. It takes a lot of therapy. Not just a few sessions.
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Posted by Sun Jul 19, 2009 7:24pm PDT
Report Abusesweety get rid of the b------ !!! he'll always love her more than you obviously he is still not over her. do your self a favor and rip the bandage off quickly so you can heal he's cutting you up and you're just putting on bandages to cover it up. you don't want your kids to learn that it's ok to love someone who doesn't love you back. it's not healthy.
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Posted by Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:04pm PDT
Report AbuseYes, you are wasting your time. He's spending time on her instead of you by constantly looking her up on the internet. Lose him. Eight months is nothing....it's better to break up now instead of YEARS down the road when you are really attached. You and your child deserve better.
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Posted by Wed Aug 5, 2009 11:15pm PDT
Report AbuseI just let go of my exboyfriend... We actually have been seperated for two years now... He's been living with this woman for the past two years... They were together before him and had gotten together but they had broken up... I also knew him 25 years ago but then I had gotten married and moved away.. He would always call and text me and tell me that he loves me and I was so caught up in this with him these past two years... I actually believed him... We haven't had sex since we seperated but he kept telling me to wait for him... He would say "He's just trying to get back with me..." Yea right! My family and friends would tell me to not respond to him when he calls or texts me cause he is just playing with my emotions... I didn't ignore him this last time like I was supppose to... I just explained to him that I am not doing this with him anymore... It's been two years and obviously, he and I are not getting back together... It's been two week since we last spoke and he hasn't contacted me... It a good thing because I am going through this heartache but I know that my heart will heal... I miss him and there are moment where I want to contact him but I finally realized that if I contact him... It will start all over again... He will just continue to hurt me, use me and play head games with me... No more!!! I want a life with someone who is going to be there for me... Someone who can love me just as much as I love him... It's possible... I was married for 20 years at one time and my husband passed from a terminal illness so I know what love is... I was reading this site earlier and it told me that you must heal within and not worry about being in a relationship because I am not alone and sooner or later someone will come along and he will be my match... Lot's of people have hobbies like sewing, cooking and my thing is wanting to learn how to quilt... I also spend alot of time with family and friends... My heart aches all day and I think of him constantly but I also know that in time, as long as I don't contact him or speak to him when he contacts me, I will heal... It does go away... I know it goes away if you stay away from him and believe in yourself... It's hard to listen when someone is trying to tell you what is good for you because you keep having this litle bit of hope that he will change. I would never say that people don't change but it depends on how much abuse person can take and if you really want to waste the time. Sometimes I still think in the back of my head "Maybe oneday he will come to me and be the person that I want him to be" Well, my thinking now is, I am moving on and I what ever happens will happen but I have to do what is healty for me right now... and that is believe in myself and heal. I am tired of this broken heart and I know what a good heart feels like... It sucha a peaceful feeling and you can enjoy life so much more... Good Luck!
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Posted by Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:23am PDT
Report AbuseI think it's fine for someone to be friends with an Ex. My ex told me quote "I would not want another relationship with you, but I would end a relationship over you" What he meant by that was, if any girl had a problem with the friendship we have, he'd dump them. My advice to you is to leave them alone so long as they are just friends, and well, if they want each other back, step aside and let it happen. I know it's hard but sometimes all you are is the rebound.
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