My so-called sex life: On your knees, boy

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  Posted by Mysterious Gryphon Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:56pm PDT

  I too am with a man who has no particular faith tradition. He doesa Christmas and whatnot, but feels no magic when he goes to church with me.

  But he does go to church with me. He understands that my faith is a very important part of who I am, and that the church is a large part of my social and even professional life. He knows that I like to have him by my side. He even listens to the sermon while I doodle in the program (I'm more of a Scripture and Communion kinda girl) and summarizes for me after mass.

  I don't think it's unreasonable for him to attend with you, especially if you have children. Why does Daddy get to sleep in while the kids have to go to Sunday school? What kind of answers will he give them when they have real life crises, if he doesn't come from the same faithful perspective? Will he contradict your advice?

  Rex needs to get outta bed on Sunday and find a tie, and go to church beside you. I'll bet you've been to more than one of his office Christmas parties over the years.

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  Posted by Amy Ann Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:47am PDT

  My first question would be, has he EVER been to Mass with you? I'm a Catholic too and love it and my heart would be broken if he has never at least gone with you once. Maybe you can just ask him for one SUnday a month to be with you and the family at Mass and I always sweeten the deal with friends who are fallen away Catholics by saying we'll go out to breakfast together.

  The one thing you should be doing about it is praying about it and hope that God puts on his heart that he should go with you and the family at least once in a while.

  Good luck!

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  Posted by fools_and_sages Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:25am PDT

  The idea that one must be religious to give their kids good advice in times of crisis is kind of ludicrous, Emily Jane-- unless, of course, it's a spiritual crisis. I give great advice to people that actually works (without divine inspiration or intervention) and I think the last time I was in a church was roughly 1999 for one hour for a wedding. But anyways. . . .

  A lot of people don't go to church except for weddings and funerals. If you married Rex knowing he wasn't church-goer, then you have to accept it. Church isn't for everybody. And everybody isn't into it. Forcing people to go to church when they may not believe in God or they may not support the idea of organized religions (there is a difference) is actually being preachy in a very subtle way and it's a quite disrespectful and perhaps even offensive to the irreligious.

  Seriously, forcing somebody to go to church may violate their very sense of who they are and it may insult their sense of their own intellect or their own sense of where they fit in the world. I find church offensive because it tells me how to think and how to behave-- when I don't need God's emissaries to tell me to treat people right and that mistreating people will only bring me heartaches and headaches. That basic message (along with may of the others that religions contains) is common sense in my world and I don't need it to be backed up by God when my personal experiences with real people in the real world are proof enough for me.

  And the idea that church and sex are similar is also pushing it. Coaxing your long-time lover to have sex is merely foreplay and both of you usually end up enjoying it. Plus if you actually insist on saying no, he would back off if he's as wonderful a man as you say he is. In contrast, forcing church on somebody is forcing your values, your way of thinking, and your ideals on another person. That's pretty disrespectful, especially since Rex doesn't seem to poke fun at your godliness, he doesn't seem to begrudge your church attendance, and he has no issues with allowing the kids to be raised in the church. And I would bet money Rex would and has backed off on the sex thing when you have said no and meant it.

  So if he insists on not going to church, maybe you should be just as wonderful as he is and respect his stance on religion. He respects yours.

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• 
  Posted by fools_and_sages Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:27am PDT

  The idea that one must be religious to give their kids good advice in times of crisis is kind of ludicrous, Emily Jane-- unless, of course, it's a spiritual crisis. I give great advice to people that actually works (without divine inspiration or intervention) and I think the last time I was in a church was roughly 1999 for one hour for a wedding. But anyways. . . .

  A lot of people don't go to church except for weddings and funerals. If you married Rex knowing he wasn't church-goer, then you have to accept it. Church isn't for everybody. And everybody isn't into it. Forcing people to go to church when they may not believe in God or they may not support the idea of organized religions (there is a difference) is actually being preachy in a very subtle way and it's a quite disrespectful and perhaps even offensive to the irreligious.

  Seriously, forcing somebody to go to church may violate their very sense of who they are and it may insult their sense of their own intellect or their own sense of where they fit in the world. I find church offensive because it tells me how to think and how to behave-- when I don't need God's emissaries to tell me to treat people right and that mistreating people will only bring me heartaches and headaches. That basic message (along with may of the others that religions contains) is common sense in my world and I don't need it to be backed up by God when my personal experiences with real people in the real world are proof enough for me.

  And the idea that church and sex are similar is also pushing it. Coaxing your long-time lover to have sex is merely foreplay and both of you usually end up enjoying it. Plus if you actually insist on saying no, he would back off if he's as wonderful a man as you say he is. In contrast, forcing church on somebody is forcing your values, your way of thinking, and your ideals on another person. That's pretty disrespectful, especially since Rex doesn't seem to poke fun at your godliness, he doesn't seem to begrudge your church attendance, and he has no issues with allowing the kids to be raised in the church. And I would bet money Rex would and has backed off on the sex thing when you have said no and meant it.

  So if he insists on not going to church, maybe you should be just as wonderful as he is and respect his stance on religion. He shows a modicum of respect to yours, after all, simply by refraining from ridicule and allowing his kids to be raised in the church.

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  Posted by binfaith Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:34am PDT

  It is not unreasonable to want your husband by your side. As women in general we want our husbands to share in all areas of our lives. If not why get married? You are in a very difficult position for a Christian woman. When you have faith in God and know the miraculous things he does in your life, of course you want your husband to know it for himself. The message of Jesus has been complicated for far too long. It is simply to accept Jesus as our Redeemer, believe that he loves us so much that He died for our sins, and that He rose from the dead and lives. The greatest way to win your husband over is to walk in the love of Jesus and to continue to pray. Keep raising the children in church and t

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  Posted by binfaith Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:51am PDT

  It is not unreasonable to want your husband by your side. As women in general we want our husbands to share in all areas of our lives. If not why get married? You are in a very difficult position for a Christian woman. When you have faith in God and know the miraculous things he does in your life, of course you want your husband to know it for himself. The message of Jesus has been complicated for far too long. It is simply to accept Jesus as our Redeemer, believe that he loves us so much that He died for our sins, and that He rose from the dead and lives. The greatest way to win your husband over is to walk in the love of Jesus and to continue to pray. Keep raising the children in church and teaching them to walk in love as well. Walking in love also means taking care of your "pillow ministry". I would advise not withholding sex because it will cause stress and resentment towards you and your faith. If you continue your duties God has the room to work out the rest. In due time your husband will see how loving your faith is and will want to be with his family. As Mary Poppins said, "Just a spoonful of sugar will help the medicine go down"! Besides all I've said Christian women need sex too! Don't mess up your sex life. Stop stressing and enjoy what you have and walk in love!

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  Posted by dkeyagain Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:47pm PDT

  I think the real issue here is about compromise... everyone should accept the fact that we all at one time or another will have to compromise and do things that we may not be " in the mood " for isnt that what love and commitment is all about

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  Posted by Farah U Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:20pm PDT

  I agree with fools_and_sages. I don't think you should force him to attend church with you, you accepted him and you knew how he was before you married. I personally don't go to church anymore and like fools_and_sages said, I know how to treat other people without advise from a church or group of peoples "GOD". You reap what you sow.

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  Posted by bdgill19 Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:40pm PDT

  I am not religious, but i feel it is important for my children to understand different religions, and chose what they believe in. I too, have tried to convince my husband of 7 years, to attend with us, even if he doesnt LIKE going to church, i think it is important for our kids to learn about diversity, and faith.

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  Posted by ambi Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:43pm PDT

  Wow, how manipulative of you.

  He came to you, up front and honest about his disinterst in your religion. And you were fine with that, fine enough to marry him. And now you want to hold it over his head. I feel sorry for him. Religion is not everybody's cup of tea. Maybe you should have thought about these things before you got married and made a life with him.

  If I was married to someone who nagged me to go to church when they knew all along that I wasn't interested, I would question our relationship. You either take someone for better or worse, or not.

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