Love + Sex

Sunday, December 6, 2009

My so-called sex life: Sex with Mr. Big

I haven't seen the Sex and the City movie yet, so don't spoil it for me in the gobs of comments I've been getting lately.

Like some of your sex lives, and often times mine, that first line is a joke. But it doesn't have to be. Did you know, people, that you can leave me a note or email me? It might take a second to sign up for comments on this column, but after that, it's bombs away. Sometimes you have to sign in, exit, and sign back. Why? I don't know. But why do men do what they do half the time? It just works better to accept and keep at it.

For anyone out there who hates my ramblings, leave a note anyway. I thrive on negative criticism, being the product of Catholic school and all.

Back to my original point - which *** Includes a Spoiler on Sex and the City - so skip the next few lines if you're a stickler: I hear is that Carrie's man, Big - who I think is so friggin' sexy - is not so likeable. Okay, coast clear.

Here's what I want to know (and this is where the comments come in... don't fail me, people): What is it about big that is better? Yes, I'm talking about the size of guys' appendages, but I'm also talking about men that are larger than life, whether it be due to lots of money, personality, power, fame or humor. Often times it's plain machismo and huge cockiness (emphasis on the first four letters of that last word) that gets the normally reserved librarian throwing off her glasses in a hormonal frenzy of skyrocketing libido.

As for me, I like big guys as much as the next girl. Especially, given my height. At 6'1, it's hard to feel dainty in the arms of a man that has to lean on my chest to dance. Only once, many moons ago, did I fall in love with a fellow of slighter stature. True of a classic romance movie, we never even kissed. Perhaps the wanting him, which was bigger than any consummated liaison would prove to be, was what drew me to him even more. For what he lacked in height he gained with a huge heart. Generous, gentle with big warm eyes, he naturally ended up with someone else. I haven't seen him in over ten years.

Perhaps, like my beau that never was, my memories are larger due to the pasasge of time. But it's hard to still feel remorse with Rex now in my life. With his size 14 shoes and huge conscience, my husband has the ability to calm me down when I'm freaking out about 3 columns due, a trip to pack for, and a child on antibiotics. Now that's huge.

So tell me, what is it about a big man that does it for you. Or not?

* I'll return many of your comments when I'm home from vacation this weekend.


Posted by Andrea Frazer


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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 84
  • Ron S's Avatar
    Posted by Ron S Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:01am PDT

    Andrea,

    I am in the average size range for a mans appendage. I am also very tall 6' 1". Woman seem to like the size and enjoy being with me intimately. Probably because of the confidence I have with that part of my life. Weakness of any kind is a turn off and I have been dumped in seconds when I've shown it.

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  • TC's Avatar
    Posted by TC Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:51am PDT

    Agree with Ron - size isn't as important as skill and confidence. Confidence is SEXY!

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  • Andrea Frazer, Good Housekeeping's Avatar
    Posted by Andrea Frazer, Good Housekeeping Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:05pm PDT

    Hi Ron and TC - I agree with you. I was not exactly the hugest player on the planet before I got married. I'm driven much more by connection than sex first (I know, puke). My point: A big personality, confidence and heart is way more enticing than a big appendage.

    What I want to know is do you agree with me? Guys? Do you think women like me are refreshing? The kind that want a connection first or do you really just want women that want to have physical relations? And, if you doooo find women who want sex only, how many of them stick? I mean, are they telling the truth? Or after being in bed, do they change their tune and want more attachment of the heart?

    Let me know!

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  • instrumentjamlord's Avatar
    Posted by instrumentjamlord Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:29am PDT

    If you thought your guy wanted -only- physical relations from you, after a while wouldn't you start feeling like a blow-up doll? Works the same in the other direction. Believe it or not, men have hearts too.

    Not that there's anything wrong with jumping in the sack right away if the chemistry is right. And for that matter, if a woman is giving a vibe like, "I have to be in love with you to find you sexy," what I hear is "Okay, I can take a hint. She thinks I'm not sexy." See ya; I'm off to find somebody who actually WANTS me.

    Granted, a guy who did this on the first couple of dates would be being more than a tad impatient. But if you need to fall in love first, there had better be some indications that you actually are in the process of falling. (I don't mean bed; just some clues that your heart is actually a-flutter.) Failing that, the big picture is that you AREN'T falling, in a fairly conspicuous fashion, and everything that implies about the relationship prospects, long-term. But as far as that goes, that's true even in sex-first hookups. When a relationship isn't going anywhere, you figure it out eventually, sex or no sex.

    Ultimately you need both -- the heart connection and the physical attraction -- if a relationship is to work long-term.

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  • momof 2's Avatar
    Posted by momof 2 Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:11am PDT

    I would rather have a man with a big heart.

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  • rglo820's Avatar
    Posted by rglo820 Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:33am PDT

    I absolutely agree with you that a big personality is more important than a big appendage. To begin with, I don't think size matters as much in that respect as many people think. I used to date a guy who was 6'10" (to my 5'11" - tall girls unite!) with, ahem, everything to scale, and once the novelty wore off it became pretty clear that the sex wasn't going to be any better than any sex I'd previously had just because he was well-endowed.

    When I first met the guy I'm dating at the moment, my first though was that he might as well have just walked out of a Sex and the City episode - he was just so handsome and urbane and had such a larger-than-life persona. And I think that a HUGE part of the reason why this type of guy is such a turn is that his charm winds up being reciprocal. When you manage to land such a catch, your own confidence grows because this guy who could have anyone wants you.

    Not to mention, being with someone who has a lot going for him is much more interesting than being with someone whose most notable quality is that he's hung like a horse.

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  • Vanessa's Avatar
    Posted by Vanessa Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:38am PDT

    Men with understanding and compassion are great, but seriously the physical is what every woman looks for. I have been single (again) for going on 5 years. I have had one serious (to me) relationship and am in a new one now. The first one I think was the love of my life (to me) and he was niether extra large or extra small. Now the guy I am seeing is a normal size and he too is just what I am looking for. He is kind and sweet and tells me the truth, (18 years with a cheater makes you skeptical and alittle perinod) his package is normal size and I am fine with it, it is not just about sex, it is about the way one person makes the other person feel, in bed and out. My suggestion is look inside and not at the outer person, you find better things.

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  • A_SL's Avatar
    Posted by A_SL Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:41am PDT

    I dated a guy who has a huge body structure, tall and also a big heart but he also had a size problem. He is small, probably the smallest I've seen in my life. He tries to compensate for it by being super nice but sexually I wasn't satisfied. I know most of you would say that size doesn't really matter and I would have agreed with you if I hadn't met this guy. I'm not saying I like them super sized but I think moderate would do wonders compared to small.

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  • Beth's Avatar
    Posted by Beth Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:44am PDT

    I think Confidence is a big part of it. I'm 4'11 and tend to fall for guys who are 6 feet. Strangely enough though my boyfriend is only 5'4 hehe. But yeah a man who is big in life usually has the confidence which is what attracts us. I like a man who believes in himself, can mentally support me, and who's independant, and also I like to feel protected in the man's arms. So taller guys always seem to fit that bill for the most part.

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  • Billybear's Avatar
    Posted by Billybear Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:07pm PDT

    Like they say, it's not the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean. I am content with my size. I may not be able to hit rock bottom but I scrape the hell out of the sides.

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