MY WONDERING SLEEPLESS MIND.....

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO I USED TO BE BEFORE LOVE. I USED TO BE A GIRL WHO DIDN'T FEEL THAT SHE NEEDED OR WANTED A MAN SO MUCH. THEN PAUL CAME ALONG AND SHOWED ME HOW COMPLETE I COULD FEEL, HE SHOWED ME HOW IT FELT TO BE WITH SOMEONE AND BE IN LOVE. HOW ANOTHER PERSON COULD MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. HOW DO I GO BACK TOL BEING THAT PERSON WHO DIDN'T KNOW LOVE? I DON'T REGRET MEETING PAUL. I DON'T REGRET FEELING LOVE. I JUST WISH I DIDN'T WANT IT SO BAD THAT IT HURTS. IT'S LIKE A DRUG ADDICTION, IT HURT ME BUT I STILL WANT MORE I WANT THAT FEELING BACK. IT'S WEIRD HOW YOU CAN BE FINE WITHOUT SOMETHING BUT ONCE YOU HAVE IT YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO BEING WITHOUT IT. IT BECOMES A NECCESITY. KIND OF LIKE HOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL IT'S GONE. I WANT TO HAVE THAT FEELING OF COMPLETENESS AGAIN.  REALLY I FEEL LIKE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT OF ME TO GIVE I GAVE SO MUCH OF MY HEART TO PAUL. HE WAS THE FIRST GUY I EVER TRULY LOVED. I FEEL LIKE EVERYTIME I START TO MOVE ON AND START TO GET OVER HIM, HE COMES BACK TO PLAY WITH MY HEAD AND EVERYTIME I FALL FOR IT. AFTER PAUL, THE LITTLE BIT OF LOVE I HAD LEFT I INVESTED IN JUAN AND THAT DIDN'T GO TOO GOOD. SO HERE I AM HEARTBROKEN AGAIN. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, I WANT TO BE THAT GIRL I USED TO BE. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT AGAIN. I WANT TO LIVE FOR ME. I JUST CAN'T GO ON ANYMORE WONDERING "WHAT IF.." I HATE THAT. I KNOW THAT FOR THE SECOND TIME PAUL CHOSE HIS WIFE OVER ME. UNDERSTANDABLY, THEY ARE MARRIED. BUT HOW COULD YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND CHEAT ON THEM? I FEEL LIKE IF YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE YOU COULDN'T DO THAT TO THEM. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER PERSON. I'VE SPENT SO MUCH TIME THESE LAST FIVE YEARS CHASING PAUL AND JUAN, WANTING SO BAD TO MAKE A LIFE WITH SOMEONE , TO LOVE SOMEONE, AND TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY THAT I LOST MYSELF SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ME? WHERE DID I GO? I WANTED SO BAD TO BE WITH SOMEONE AND TO BE IN LOVE AND TO GET MARRIED THAT I DIDN'T CARE WHAT I LOST TO GET THERE. I JUST HADN'T REALIZED I WAS LOSING MYSELF. I DON'T KNOW.... WHEN I SIT HERE AND THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH I'M STARTING TO WONDER WHAT IT WAS ALL FOR? I HAVEN'T ACCOMPLISHED ANY OF MY GOALS. I AM NOWHERE NEAR WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE AT MY AGE. MY LIFE SEEMS SO OUT OF ORDER THAT I DOUBT IT WILL EVER GET BACK ON TRACK. SOMEDAYS I WANT TO GET OUT THERE AND TRY TO PICK UP THE PEICES OF MY LIFE, AND OTHER DAYS I JUST WANT TO LAY IN BED AND CRY OVER EVERYTHING I'VE LOST. I KNOW FOR SURE THIS IS THE LAST STRING WITH JUAN. I WON'T TALK TO HIM ANYMORE. I'VE GIVEN HIM PLENTY OF CHANCES AND ALL HE EVER DOES IS LET ME DOWN. THE THING IS SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE HE DOES IT TO ME ON PURPOSE, LIKE HE TRIES TO HURT ME. THIS TIME HE SUCCEDED AND I WON'T BE GOING DOWN THAT ROAD ANYMORE. AS FOR PAUL I CAN'T MANAGE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN WITH HIM I DON'T HAVE IT IN MY HEART TO TELL HIM NO. WITH JUAN WHEN I SAY IT I MEAN IT, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO PAUL, I ALWAYS GIVE IN. I FEEL AS THOUGH I NEED TO HAVE AN END POINT WITH HIM AS WELL, I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM THE ULTIMATUM.  I CAN'T SIT AROUND WAITING FOREVER, AND I CAN'T JUST MOVE ON WITHOUT ASKING HIM HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THAT FEELING OF WHAT IF ANYMORE. I'M TIRED OF SITTING HERE WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY BACK THEN. IF I HAD FOUGHT HARDER FOR HIM WOULD HE HAVE NOT MARRIED HER? I NEED TO TELL HIM HOW I FEEL ALREADY, I'M TIRED OF HOLDING IN ALL OF MY FEELINGS. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN THE TIME WILL BE RIGHT. I WISH WE COULD JUST RUNAWAY TOGETHER LIKE HE ALWAYS USED TO SAY. I JUST HOPE THAT IN THE END I CAN GET MY LIFE ON TRACK WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. HOPEFULLY IF I JUST PUT IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE, AND TELL HIM WHATS ON MY HEART, AND HE CAN TELL ME WHAT HE WANTS, IF WE DON'T WANT THE SAME THING I CAN JUST TELL HIM GOODBYE AND MOVE ON. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. IS THAT ASKING FOR TOO MUCH?

XOXO, LITTLE MISS OBSESSIVE