p---- help!!!! PLEASE very important! i have scratches!!!!

My cat, Judy.  She's too playful.  For once, i want to come home after a hard days work and have her greet me like a normal cat.  But she doesnt.  She's waiting for me, just like a tiger...ready to POUNCE on its prey.  As soon as I unlock my apartment door and step one foot into the room, she pounces on my sneaker and works her way up my pant leg to my face.  Its a constant struggle between man and beast.  And beast usually comes out on top.  I have scratches all over my neck, face, arms and even my ankles.  Sleeping is also tiresome.  My cat can even claw through the bed sheets.  Ive been through 14 sets just this year, thats more than one a month.  I cant even bring women over anymore.  They see how much of a p---- i am because i cant take over for a p---- cat!  Which is why my sex life is little to non existent.  Except for that one cat lover who rode me like Seattle Slew....i couldnt keep her though because i felt like she loved the cat more than me..plus she had tattooed on whiskers....i met her at a strip club.  Serves me right huh?  Anyways, back to Judy.  You may think this is just some sick joke, but this is sadly all true, and i need something to do with Judy.  I love her dearly, but i do love the old life i had more.  Its been 6 months since i've had sex...good sex....i dont count the cat lady.  All because of Judy and me not being able to tame the wild feline!  It even gets so bad that sometime i feel like i have to use the kitty litter and she uses the toilet.  Thats just what it feels like.  This is Judy's apartment, not mine.  The only thing that can possibly tame her and keep her at bay is if i play the circle of life, over and over again, she loves the lion king.  But there's only so much of the lion king soundtrack that one guy can take.  I need help dearly.  Help this p----, tame that p----.
love,
Jude