"Get To" Versus "Have To"

The buzz surrounding the movie He's Just Not That Into You" led to an epiphany for me the other day.

It's amazing how many of us trudge through relationshipsthat we are not really into. Whydo we do this? That's anotherquestion I think I'll answer later, but I realized a quick way to tell if I'minto a girl (sometimes it's hard to know).

It goes beyond what I proposed a while back: a guy is not into you if he won't goout of his way for you. I stillbelieve this is true, but an extension of this has to do with what happens in aguy's mind when he's spending time with a girl.

There has always been two ways I look at spending time withany girl I've ever dated:

"I have to do it..."

"I getto do it..."

The first thought represents time spent with someone as anobligation, while the second represents time spent with someone as a privilege.

There have been plenty of girls I've thought to myself-evenabout the most mundane things-"wow, I'd get to hang out with her?" Sadly, I don't get to date thosegirls.

If a guy is into a girl, even chores can be privileges. My buddy just moved in with hisgirlfriend and, of course, it was a tough endeavor as moving tends to be. But I never once heard him complainabout it, or lament that he had to do it, and- believe me-he would havecomplained if he felt compelled to complain.

Can this feeling ever wear off-this feeling of getting to dosomething with a girl, whether it's driving her to the airport, or going to awedding with her. I think it canget less intense, but it will always be there.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is "having" to dosomething. This is the one I amalways hung up in. A girl I'minvolved with will ask me to give her a call, or help her out withsomething. I dread the entire thingand feel obligated to her. InsteadI wish I could just sit in my apartment and chill, read, watch sports, andcook.

Ok, so I've become jaded by the datingscene, but I still do get that "get to be around her" feeling when I actually meet an intriguing girl. There are three women in this entire city right now that Iwould feel privileged to be around. All of them are unavailable for some reason, but hopefully I can meetmore women I feel privileged to be around.

My family and friends always tell me: "when you meet her, you'll want to be around her a lot, and it won't seem like a chore."

I guess I'm waiting for that to happen.

I am inclined to believe that this girl-whoever she maybe-is going to be like my close friends: they can call me any time and I'm happy to meet or help out. On top of this, every endeavor with myclose friends feels like a new adventure even though I've known some of themfor years. When I'm with myfriends I really do feel privileged to be around smart, funny, caring peoplewho want to spend time with me, and that feeling will never wear off.

It might be impossible to expect to feel that privilegefeeling all the time-maybe going to see my wife's in-laws will have a little"have to" involved. But I surehope when I find the right one that the privilege outweighs the obligation.

So there you have it-a quick way for me to tell if I'm intoa girl: if she asks me to dosomething for her or spend time with her: do I getto do that, or do I haveto do that?

Does my theory make sense, or is it natural for people toget annoyed with one another at some point? Does this feeling of privilege wear off eventually, or doesit live throughout the relationship if you're right for one another? Is it unhealthy to put a girl on a pedestal by feelingprivileged in her presence? Haveyou or anyone you know ever trudged through a "have to" relationship?

Posted by Rich

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