Tomorrow will be 16 years since my eldest son’s father
committed suicide. It seems like a lifetime ago-it seems like
yesterday. I look at our son (now 17) and I can see traits in him
that he doesn’t even know he has. It took a long time to move in a
forward direction after that but I have done it. I have been with
the same man since my son was in diapers and we have a child
together. He has been the best father he could be to both our kids
and has never once treated one different than the other. I know how
truly blessed I am for that. That being said, every year at this
time I can’t help but be nostalgic. I have been longer without him
in my life now than the time we knew each other. I find it so
strange that someone can have such an impact on so many lives so
many years after they are gone. It is not just because we shared a
child but because he was my friend. I still miss my friend. I miss
him not because I wish we were together (we had broke up before he
died) but because I miss his friendship. I spent many years angry
with him for not getting help-for giving up-for leaving his child
and robbing him of the opportunity to know him like I did. I am not
angry anymore. I am not depressed. I just think of him this time of
year. I used to cry and focus on the negative. Now when I think of
him-I smile. I think of happy moments he brought to the ones who
knew him.
I learned a lot about life (and death) by going through this. I
learned more about mental illnesses than I ever imagined. I learned
of red flags and not over-looking symptoms. I learned that
“hind-sight is always 20/20” can be more than a saying (all the
signs were there). I learned how to grieve and soldier on. But
I think the most important lesson that I learned from his death was
about pettiness. We all have had moments when we argued a point
just for the sake of being right. It is such a waste of time; Time
that you can’t get back. Once someone is gone-there is no I’m
sorry. There is no-you were right, I was wrong. There is nothing.
People waste so much time together arguing about meaningless
things. I have tried to keep that lesson close to me through the
years. I haven’t always been successful but I try. I guess I just
wanted to share this with people in case they haven’t already
learned it in their own lives. Time is a precious commodity-Don’t
squander it. Dealing with death can be a very traumatic experience
in someone’s life. It can take many years to move forward. I don’t
say “get over it” for a reason. I don’t think you ever “get over
it’, you move forward. Hopefully with happy memories of your time
with that person and with lessons learned. Maybe with some luck,
some of you will learn the lessons while your loved ones are still
with you….
