RANDOM THINKING....

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT AND I'M HOME. I'VE BEEN TRYING THE ONLINE DATING SITE. I'VE BEEN TALKING TO A COUPLE OF GUYS SOME OF THEM FOR A FEW WEEKS NOW, BUT I'M STILL A BIT SKEPTICAL ABOUT MEETING UP WITH ANYONE. IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE DATED OR GONE OUT WITH A GUY. THE LAST FIVE YEARS I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH ANYONE BUT JUAN AND PAUL. I USED TO BE FUN. I USED TO GO OUT WITH GUYS AND MAKE OUT WITH RANDOM GUYS IN CLUBS. NOW THAT JUST SEEMS ICKY! I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO GO OUT AND BE A w---- ANYORE, THATS JUST NOT ME. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'VE MATURED. I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN I BECAME SOOO.... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT. I GUESS BACK THEN I WAS FRESH OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE AND HAD MY FIRST TASTE OF FREEDOM. I HAD LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT AND FOR THE FIRST TIME GUYS WOULD NOTICE ME, AND I USED MY SEXUALITY TO BOOST MY SELF ESTEEM. MAYBE NOT THE BEST PLAN, BUT I ADMIT I FELT ALOT BETTER ABOUT MYSELF BACK THEN. NOW I JUST DON'T KNOW... I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT MYSELF BACK OUT THERE. I'M SO USED TO HAVING PAUL OR JUAN AROUND. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I KNOW WHO I USED TO BE, AND I KNOW WHO I WANT TO BE, BUT HOW DO I FIND THE MIDDLE GROUND? SAD PART IS I'M ONLY 23!!! HOW DO I NOT KNOW HOW TO DATE ANYMORE??? HAVE I REALLY BEEN OUT OF THE GAME FOR THAT LONG? I THINK MORE THAN ANYTHING I'M JUST SCARED. I'M SCARED OF BEING ALONE. I'M SCARED OF BEING REJECTED. WITH PAUL AND JUAN I NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT BEING REJECTED I KNEW THEY WERE ALWAYS GOING TO BE AROUND. I NEVER IMAGINED I WOULD BE WITHOUTH BOTH OF THEM. I ALWAYS JUST ASSUMED THAT I WOULD END UP WITH ONE OR THE OTHER. I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG. I CAN'T SAY I REGRET THE LAST FIVE YEARS, BECAUSE I DON'T I HAD SOME GOOD TIMES. I HAVE LOTS OF GREAT MEMORIES. THERE ARE DAYS/NIGHTS THAT I WISH I COULD DO OVER. THERE ARE SOME MEMORIES THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET. SOME FEELINGS THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. I JUST KNOW THAT NOW IS THE TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M MOVING TO.

ALEX CALLED ME THE OTHER NIGHT. I WENT OUT WITH HIM AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT. BUT I WANTED TO HAVE SEX, AND IF I HAD TO DO IT, I WOULD RATHER IT BE WITH SOMEONE I HAD DONE ALREADY THAN ADD YET ANOTHER NAME TO MY LIST, WHICH IS BY NO MEANS SHORT. SO I WENT OUT WITH ALEX AND WE WENT TO HIS HOUSE. HE WAS THROWING HIS USUAL GAME OF I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, AND I CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY BABY. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW ALL THE DRAMA I WENT THROUGH WITH PAUL, I STILL WENT OUT WITH ALEX. I KNOW THAT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THEY'VE ONLY BEEN DATING FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS. I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BE IN THAT POSITON AGAIN, BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS I KNOW WITH ALEX I DON'T FALL FOR HIM. I CAN SEE HIM AND KEEP OUR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT WHERE IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. JUST SEX. THATS ALL IT IS. NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TELLS ME HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME AND THAT HE WANTS ME TO HAVE HIS BABY, I DON'T CARE. HE COULD PROPOSE WITH RING IN HAND AND I WOULDN'T CARE. WHY COULDN'T I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT PAUL? WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH EMOTION INVOLVED WITH PAUL. WHY IS IT THAT I CAN SEE THROUGH ALEX AND I COULD NEVER SEE THROUGH PAUL? I FELL FOR PAUL EVERY TIME. EVERY TIME! I HAVEN'T TALKED TO ALEX SINCE THE OTHER NIGHT. I'M NOT TOO INTO THE IDEA OF GETTING INTO THAT SITUATION AGAIN. RIGHT NOW I FEEL I'M SO VULNERABLE THAT IF I KEEP HEARING HIS LIES, I MIGHT FALL FOR THEM AND I DON'T NEED THAT RIGHT NOW. I JUST NEED SOME TIME TO FOCUS ON MYSELF. 

WELL MY BEST FRIEND GLADYS IS PREGGERS. SHE'S 20 WEEKS. WELL LAST WEEK WE FOUND OUT SHE IS HAVING A BABY GIRL. I'M SO EXCITED!!! WELL THE DR. TOLD HER THAT SHE IS GOING TO HAVE A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY. I TOOK HER INTO THE HOSPITAL TODAY TO GET A CERCLAGE. HER CERVIX IS TOO SHORT TO HOLD THE BABY, SO THEY HAD TO PUT A STITCH IN IT. AND NOW SHE'S ON BED REST. I HOPE EVERYTHING GOES SMOOTH FROM HERE ON OUT.

WELL EVER SINCE I MOVED BACK IN WITH GLADYS THINGS ARE GREAT. I'M BASICALLY THE HOUSEWIFE HERE. I CLEAN THE HOUSE, WATCH HER 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WHILE SHE WORKS, AND I COOK DINNER EVERYNIGHT. I KNOW IT SOUNDS REALLY SIMPLE, BUT I LOVE IT. I JUST HAVE THAT NATURAL NUTURING WAY ABOUT ME. THATS REALLY ALL I EVER WANTED. JUST TO HAVE A FAMILY AND TAKE OF MY HUSBAND AND KID. THIS ISN'T THE IDEAL FAMILY HERE AT MY HOUSE BUT I GUESS IT WILL DO UNTIL I FIND THE RIGHT PERSON TO START A FAMILY OF MY OWN. BESIDES PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT RIGHT? LOL....

THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BETTER. AT LEAST I HOPE. I STILL MISS PAUL. I CAN'T DENY THAT. IT GETS EASIER EVERYDAY THOUGH. JUAN SHOULD BE DEPLOYING IN LATE APRIL, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM SINCE THE OTHER DAY. THATS FINE. I'M JUST GLAD TO KNOW THAT HE'S HAPPY. I'M HAPPY FOR HIM. WHEN ALEX CALLS ME AGAIN, I WON'T BE ANSWERING. IF I REALLY WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON I NEED TO SINCERELY BE A BETTER PERSON, NOT JUST WHEN ITS CONVIENENT FOR ME. I REALLY THINK I COULD LIKE ALEX. HE'S A RESPONSIBLE GUY, HE OWNS TWO SUV'S AND TWO HOMES AND HE'S A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME! NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG I'M NOT THE KIND OF GIRL THAT LIKES A GUY FOR WHAT HE HAS. IT'S KINDA JUST LIKE A BONUS. I'VE KNOWN ALEX FOR SOME TIME, SINCE I WAS 19 AND WE WERE BOTH WORKING AT MICKEY D'S... I KNOW THAT HE'S A GOOD GUY ON PAPER AND IN BED. I ALSO KNOW THAT HE'S A "CHEATER PETER"... LOL... I COULD REALLY LIKE HIM IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT. THE THING IS EVER SINCE PAUL, I NEVER LET ANYONE GET CLOSE TO ME. I DON'T GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE. I HOLD BACK MY FEELINGS. WELL FROM NOW ON NO MORE. THE NEXT TIME ALEX CALLS ME I'M JUST GOING TO TELL HIM STRAIGHT UP THAT I'M NOT GOING TO SEE HIM WHILE HE'S WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT IF HE'S TELLING ME THE TRUTH ABOUT WANTING TO BE WITH ME AND THAT HE WANTS ME TO HAVE HIS BABY, THAT I WILL GIVE HIM A CHANCE. I WILL REALLY TRY TO OPEN MY HEART TO HIM, BUT ONLY IF HE'S REALLY GOING TO BE WITH ME AND NO ONE ELSE. I'M TIRED OF BEING THE PUSHOVER GIRL, WHO JUST WAITS PATIENTLY. I TRIED THAT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. I WILL NOT WAIT IN LINE FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN.
 
WHEN I WRITE IT DOWN SIT BACK AND READ IT IN PRINT, MY LIFE IS SO COMPLICATED. WHEN I LOOK BACK AT IT ALL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING HALF THE TIME. HOW DID I GET HERE? I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND START ALL OVER! YET, THAT WHICH DOESN'T KILL US ONLY MAKES US STRONGER RIGHT? NOT TO MENTION THOSE ARE THE THINGS WHO MAKE US WHO WE ARE. THEY BUILD YOUR CHARACTER RIGHT? I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER THOUGH WHAT KIND OF CHARACTER AM I BUILDING HERE? WHICH LEADS ME TO THINK ABOUT FATE AND DESTINY. ARE OUR LIVE PRE PLANNED? DO WE LEAD THE LIVES WE WERE MEANT TO LIVE, OR DO WE ALTER THE OUTCOME? CAN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE REALLY CHANGE FOREVER BASED ON ONE DECISION?