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I got into an argument with my mom. She was in a bad mood and I should have known better than to try to talk to her. I should have just waited, but I needed to talk to her. I wanted to share with her, and instead of having this wonderful conversation, and her telling me she thinks I'm doing the right thing. She tells me I'm a door mat. That she thinks I am letting *J* walk all over me because I let him come see the kids whenever is convenient for him. There have been times when it doesn't work out because the kids and I are doing something or whatever.
Trust me I know what it is like to fight with my mom, that is all we did when I was a teenager. She was a great mom, but part of me feels like I could never make her proud of me. Now my dad on the other hand, he almost seems to over compensate for my moms lack of enthusiasm, to the point where I don't think it is real. He also has very high expectations.
I went in to my mom's bedroom to discuss going back to school. I thought she would be proud of me for wanting to do something, rather than just sitting around and working a dead end job. She told me that as long as I was willing to put in 100% then fine, but first I needed to get everything straight with child support. I can understand her wanting me to get everything filed and what not, but was she willing to help me...not much, she tried and we were both having a hard time figuring out what they wanted where and gave up. I recently went online to try to find some help in figuring it all out and got it done. I just have to go to the court house and file it and pay some fees etc. So that is all pretty much done. I plan to go downtown to do that tomorrow.
I asked my mom for suggestions, since she thinks I'm letting *J* get away with whatever, and she came up with two things. 1. Have scheduled visits with the kids ex. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, some weekends He has to show up at a certain time and leave at a certain time. My problem with this is that *J* has a very stressful and demanding job where he works 60+ hours most weeks. He has every Sunday off and every other Saturday. He almost never knows exactly when he will get out of work. So that makes it pretty much impossible to schedule anything! 2. He takes them somewhere so I can have a break. my problem with this If he were to take them somewhere he would have to take my truck since it is the only one with car seats. I tried explaining all of this to my mom, but she can't see where I am coming from.
She was commenting on how unfair it is that I am with my kids all day long and my only free time is when they are sleeping either at night or during naps. That because of *J* I have lost my home and all of my stuff (for the time being). He has gained a house all to himself, his freedom, and the only thing he had to "give up" was the kids, which is huge, but wasn't necessary. She was saying that he should step up and take responsibility for his kids and that he doesn't spend enough time with them. I completely agree with all of those statements. It was a potent dose of reality. I instantly could no longer hold back the tears. All I wanted was to be able to talk to her about the future, not talk about how unfair everything is.
I am trying to make the best of a bad situation, my mom is trying to make things ten times more difficult than they need to be! I know that she is trying to help me and protect me because she is my mom, but seriously I have to do this on my own and she doesn't get to but in and be all negative! On top of everything I already have going I shouldn't have to deal with her being so pessimistic!
So after this argument I felt so raw. No matter what I felt like crying, nothing made it better. I was thinking of writing a letter to her to tell her how I feel, but I don't think it will do any good! I am trying, but I feel like she doesn't care!
All I wanted from her was her to say, "I know you can do this and I am proud of you for thinking about it and trying to make something of your life that was so disrupted." Apparently that was too much to ask of her when she was already in a bad mood.
