Here's our lovely reader's question:
I'm twenty years old, and I'm a lesbian. I recognize that there are some gorgeous boys out there, but I've never felt anything for them--and I've totally had feelings for girls. I came out when I was sixteen and dealt with drama from my parents and "friends." My best friend stuck by me and that really helped. When I came to college, I kept my social circle within the LGBT community.
But this winter, I took a history class and sat next to this guy, "Tim," toward the back. He said hello and shook my hand, and I felt like I was hit by a wave. I felt an instant connection, like a puzzle piece that fit right into all the curves and angles. I'd never felt like that about a guy before. I crushed on him for two months while I wrapped my heart around that fact that I actually was attracted him. It was really confusing. Earlier, I had struggled to come to grips with being a lesbian--and now here I was liking a guy.
My LGBT friends were really unhappy that I liked a guy, and one
even called me a traitor. I was shocked by how upset they were. I
felt like I was coming out again, but backwards, you know? It
hasn't been fun.
But I truly liked Tim, so I asked him out to coffee, and he said
yes! Then he asked me on a date. We've been together for two
months now. I really, really like him. Which is where my question
comes in...
I've never had sex with a guy before (I'm a gold star!). But I want to take that step with Tim. The problem is, I haven't told him about my past. I don't want to scare him, but it has gotten harder to avoid the subject. What do I say? First of all, I don't even know if I'm a lesbian anymore. I think I still like girls, but since I've been with Tim, I've started noticing boys more: Their bodies, the way they move, the way they smell. And this girl I used to fantasize about does nothing for me right now. It's like I found a new favorite dessert, and I can't imagine ordering the old one anymore, even though I still like it. Does that make any sense? How do I tell Tim that I never liked a guy until I met him? What if he runs the other way?
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Here's my answer:
My sweet girl, thank you so much for your question! You sound like an amazing, amazing woman, and you have been so strong to follow your heart, both when you liked girls and now that you're liking a guy. Even though you've faced difficulties from family and friends, you've stayed honest and true to yourself. I'm so impressed by you.
As for Tim, I agree that you should tell him about your past. I know it's scary, but sit down with him one night, and tell him that you want to talk. You can be totally honest, and you can even say that you're nervous about this conversation. And then, take a deep breath, and tell him about your past--how you've liked girls, how you came out when you were a teenager, how you've always identified yourself as a lesbian. Then tell him exactly what you told me: When you met him, you felt like you were hit by a wave, and felt as if a puzzle piece clicked into place. Tell him you've never felt like this about anymore before. That way, you'll be honest and open about your history; and you'll be telling him how much he means to you.
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There are basically two ways it can go:
a) He could be OK with it. He might be flattered, a little nervous, surprised, turned on, insecure -- he might have all sorts of emotions. He might wonder, What if we sleep together, and she decides she doesn't like me? You can calm his fears, answer his questions and emphasize how truly attracted you are to him (since that will probably be his main worry). You'll feel a huge weight off once you're honest with him, and you'll probably both feel closer, since you're learning more about each other. It might turn out really well, which would be exciting and wonderful!
b) He could freak out. Of course, some guys, depending on their backgrounds or religious/political/cultural views, might feel overwhelmed by it and not want to date anymore. There is that possibility, but if that does happen, then you should know sooner than later. You can be sad, you can cry and you can take time to feel better; just remember that any negative reaction he has is nothing to do with you personally, but instead about his beliefs about sexuality overall.
My gut feeling is that everything will be OK, and I'll cross my fingers for you. And, I have to say, I'm so proud of you for being such an amazing woman who really strives to know herself. Good luck! You can do this, and you will be fine and have a good and happy future, no matter what happens! xoxo
My dear readers, what do you think? Have you ever been in a situation like this before? What you think she should say to him?
Photo: Garance Dore
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