Dear George,
I've been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year.
We've been friends for five years and moved in together as
friends almost two years ago. We started dating six months after
that.
I feel that we know each other fairly well being that we have been
friends for so long. While uploading pics to myspace I stumbled across
pics in a hidden folder of scantily clad girls (some we know and
some I don't know). When I confronted him he apologized and
told me that he had always liked keeping pics of pretty girls on
his computer. Being that he wasn't popular when he was younger
the pics remind him he has come far from that dorky nerdy person he
used to be. It bothers me for two major reasons. It's girls we
know and see on a regular basis and he kept it hidden and now has
changed the location so as to keep it hidden from me.
When I have tried to dress up this way as to keep it exciting he
basically laughed at me and dismissed me. I already feel
undesirable to him because we are rarely intimate and sex is ALWAYS
initiated by me. He also claims that it's because he is thirty
and I am twenty-six and our sex drives aren't the same and that
also he is tired because of work.
How do I approach this without seeming like the jealous girlfriend
type? It has taken a toll on my self-esteem to constantly struggle
with the lack of desire and now to feel as I'm not good enough,
compared to these girls he keeps in his secret folder.
--- Confused
Dear Confused,
I understand your crisis of confidence. I would be fairly upset to
find a girlfriend with a secret stash of pictures of guys she found
attractive. In time though, I would reign in my anxiety and realize
that I am not the only man on earth.
Our significant others are constantly checking out others they find
attractive. You do it too! Your just more sly about this than
your guy. This is human nature. Both men and women scan
the gene pool to see who is the best swimmer. And just as we
can't stop our heartbeat, we can't turn of this essential
part of our primitive brain. Fortunately, we have evolved to
control our behavior and remain monogamous, if we choose, for the
better part of our adult lives.
I personally don't have a secret stash myself, but rather a
mental Rolodex of ex girlfriends. I flip through this visual
file drawer when necessary or when my primitive brain is lighting
up and asking to be taken for a walk. So I ask you,
where is your secret stash? What guys do you hold in your memory
banks? What visions do you pull up at just the right moment to
stimulate the dinosaur in you? Get my point?
We all have a secret stash. That doesn't mean we don't like
who we are with, but rather are just exercising that part of our
brains that require occasional attention. Sure he can
delete the digital files on his computer, but they'll still be
there in his imagination. Which by the way, never tires or
diminishes with age.
To be clear, I'm not supporting a guy's porn habit, but
your man's photos are the least of your worries.
Something is going on in your relationship that is creating
distance between you two. He doesn't initiate sex. Not a
good sign. He claims he's tired from work. Does he
work on Sunday? In these cases, I don't think dressing up
or down is going to bridge the gap that exists. That's more of
a short term solution without lasting benefits.
I suggest reconnecting with your friend. Are you having fun with him anymore?
Certainly fretting about his photos is putting a damper on his
desire to be with you. I would plan a fun date with him
and do something you did before you became lovers. Did you
sneak into a movie together? Go to a rodeo? Get drunk at an
art opening? Skydive? Race go carts?
Become his friend again. The two of you will
reignite the passion you once had for each other. Who knows... he
might even create a file folder for you in his secret stash.
Relationship Rx: His Secret Stash
user
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Comments 1-6 of 6
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Posted by Thu Nov 20, 2008 4:39am PST
Report AbuseHe is not worth it. I am 47 and still have the sex drive of a 18 yr old. I would like to make love to my wife everyday. I would just love it if my wife would dress in sexy attire and initiate fooling around.
If his sex drive is that low why does he need to look at other women.
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Posted by Thu Nov 20, 2008 7:33am PST
Report AbuseYeah George, right. Blame on it her; make HER the one that needs to do the legwork required to bring the spark back. You're such a jerk.
He has a secret stash because he enjoys porn, plain and simple. And the fact that he keeps sexy photos of women they both know is the problem. He's got the peeping tom syndrome, and that is friggin' scary. Why on earth would you advise her to add herself to this stash?
I am not the only woman who considers masturbating to porn by her partner to be cheating. And when it causes the sexual intimacy in a real relationship to disappear, again, friggin' scary.
This fellow needs some therapy (NOT with you!), and the young lady needs to move out and try to get her self esteem back.
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Posted by Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:50am PST
Report AbuseI'm 40 and my sex drive has not slowed down even a little. That said not everyone ages the same way so he may be slowing down. Porn is fairly normal but you do have right to expect him to get rid of stuff that is of women you know. How he got it hopefully is that they where past GF's which make it even more important for him to get rid of x-rated pictures of them. For me I do not have an issue if my GF has old normal pics of her past BF as long as they are not displayed. After all they where part of her life but x-rated is crossing the line.
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Posted by Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:56am PST
Report AbuseWOW!! Well... I don't have a problem with him having those pics I agree with the first comment if his sex drive is so low why does he have sexy pics of other women he's obviously finds them attractive enough to copy them from webpages. I don't expect him to get rid of it, put it on a flash drive or something so if we break up he can put them back on there it's more of a respect thing. I don't have a problem with porn and don't consider it cheating to masterbate to it. I do however have a problem with masterbating to porn when you have a girlfriend ready and willing at anytime to basically do whatever you want. I guess he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... I just need to admit that to myself and move on. I was hoping that wasn't the case.
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Posted by Thu Nov 20, 2008 10:19am PST
Report AbuseWhen men stop (for a significant time period) having sex with an attractive and accessible partner, they
1. are struggling with some sort of sexual disfunction; or
2. are having an affair.
My two cents.
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Posted by Thu Nov 20, 2008 10:33am PST
Report AbuseWe are together all the time, he has no time away from me to cheat, so I really don't feel in my heart or mind that he is. I don't know a lot about sexual disfunction but everything seems like it's working. I think its more we started off as friends, and now we are back on that level, he thinks of me as more of a friend than a romantic partner.
Comments 1-6 of 6
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