Love + Sex

Sunday, November 8, 2009

So, how many is too many?

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Getty Images


Ever since French First Lady, former model and bed mate to rock stars Carla Bruni admitted that she slept with 15 people before marrying President Sarkozy, people are playing the numbers game. Is she a "slut?" Does 15 mean 30 in reality? Are we to assume she's great in bed? Have I slept with too many people? Too few?

I once interviewed a self-proclaimed marriage expert who preached limiting one's sexual experience to zip before getting married, with the idea that if you sleep with anyone besides your lifelong partner, you're more likely to cheat. He explained it thusly: "Compare your husband to vanilla ice cream. If you've already tasted peach ice cream, sooner or later you might find yourself wanting another taste. But if you've never tasted another flavor, then you won't know what you're missing, so you won't have any desire for it." Yeah, really. It was probably one of the stupidest arguments I've ever heard.

Of course, I could go on and on but I won't repeat what's already been said on the subject. Should you crave uh, more "ice cream," Rachel Kramer Bussel writes an articulate, well-thought essay that you can read over at The Huffington Post. But what I'm really interested in is hearing from you: In 2008, is there any such thing as a "respectable" number? How many is too many?
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Comments 1-10 of 322
  • bmw20's Avatar
    Posted by bmw20 Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:25am PDT

    It's all a matter of opinion, what is a lot to me may not be to you and so on. I don't think there is a set number. As long as when you're with someone for the long term you don't sleep around while with them, then what's the big deal if you had a lot of partners in the past?

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  • zully's Avatar
    Posted by zully Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:39am PDT

    Well. I don't really think that matters, every person is different, and some may want to wait till they are married, and some may be having different partners before they found the right one.My friend for example, she wait till she was married, but then she star to sleep with other people, and me I never counted my partners....but I'm married and happy and I don't wander what else is there. I think thats a personal thing and no one should be asking how many people have you sleep with.Every person is different and then there is religion, and morals, and all those things that people cares about, but what matters is to be happy with what you are doing and make sure you are making the right choices....

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  • camerajunkie66's Avatar
    Posted by camerajunkie66 Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:50am PDT

    Personally from a guys standpoint I prefer an experienced woman. I mean do women ever think that a guy has been with too many women or do they just accept it? Once you have both sewn your wild oats then you are comfortable with your own body and more open to new things. I think that when two people have had many partners and then find each other and settle down then they each receive the benefit of the pleasure that the other has learned to give by perfecting their skills. Besides it's only a number and your past is what makes you who you are today. Good Luck

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  • manda's Avatar
    Posted by manda Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:02am PDT

    I agree it really doesn't matter how many people you have slept with. In fact I believe it is better to have some experience with other partners that way when you do get married you know what is out there and you don't have to wonder if this is as good as it can be because you already know it is.

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  • MochaMama42's Avatar
    Posted by MochaMama42 Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:13am PDT

    I agree with camerajunkie66. I never think a man has been with too many women, and if I do and have a genuine concern that they continue to have multiple partners and can't be faithful, I don't have a relationship with them, particularly a sexual one.

    As a woman, I prefer an experienced man.

    Does that make me a slut? Probably so.

    I had sex WAY before I was married, and lots of even BETTER sex after my divorce. LOL

    However, at the end of the day, when it's about getting what you want in a relationship, and the sex compatibility is just as important as the friendship, communication, etc. That being said, I will take experienced lover over a "virgin" any day. And any man I am in a relationship with, I would want him to have that same outlook.

    I am glad I have had the experiences I've had, I am comfortable with myself, and at some point, you have to come to accept yourself for who you are.

    Peace.

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  • Michelle's Avatar
    Posted by Michelle Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:28am PDT

    I have a friend that has been with around 400 men. For a woman I think that is way too much. I also used to date a guy that after we were already 6 months in to the relationship admitted to me he slept with around 150 women.

    I know several people who's sexual partners are in the triple digets. It seems so crazy to me that out of 100, 200, 300, or even 400 people, you still can't find one to settle down with.

    And the unfortunate thing, is my friend, the one who has been with around 400 men...It is very doubtful she will find someone who would want to marry her. Because let's face it, who would want to buy a car with that many miles on it.

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  • Saleemah's Avatar
    Posted by Saleemah Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:31am PDT

    touchy touchy, I do not want a man without any experience wasting time with my sweet gem. It requires a lot of experience any plenty of technique. So if U havnt perfected it, more than likely he will waste our time vice-versa. It mayb that those extra few partners could land u the person of your dreams. and i dont care what people say sex is a very,very,VERY important part of a productive relationship. in sayn this one can pick the bones out accordingly.

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  • cutebanker's Avatar
    Posted by cutebanker Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:38am PDT

    I think if you're like me and in your 30's and still single- you're bound to have a history. And it's just that- history. When you meet the right person your number won't mean diddly. I'm not embarressed of my past because it's made me who I am but I agree that it's given me the experience to know what I like and will help me when I do find the right one.

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  • MONA's Avatar
    Posted by MONA Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:05am PDT

    Is it really experience that makes sex more pleasurable? Or is the chemistry that we don't really know why it's happening or where it's coming from? So , because we couldn't find a way to quantify this chemistry we started to count partners! But like Candice said "when u meet the right person, your number won't mean diddly".

    I think the q should be: "Everytime I sleep w/ smb different, am I a little closer to what I'm looking for?"

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  • Caramel Cake's Avatar
    Posted by Caramel Cake Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:12am PDT

    I guess it depends on the person. I have personally had alot, but I wouldn't dare share that number. I think over 25-30 is a lot, but who am I to judege when I've had more than that? If you tell someone your number, who is to say that they are going to honestly tell you their number? If I were dating a guy who said he had dated more than 30 women, I might reconsider. But I don't think no one tells their true number. Who really knows,and only you should care.

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