Sweet Charlotte's Dating Advice: How do I get my husband to pay more attention to me and our children, and less to his parents?

Question from Maria, reader: "Ok what do i do when the hubby .. tends to forget that we are his family and still looks out for his parents.. so we argue a lot because he does not show us love."


Answer from Sweet Charlotte:  Hello Maria :-)  I'll try to take a stab at your question, though I hope it's not a stab in the dark that ends up hurting someone, because I'm working with a just a few kibbles of information.  But here goes . . .

First off, let's recognize the good stuff.  Your husband is doing a good thing, at the most basic level, in looking out for his parents.  So many of us -- especially the WASPs among us -- don't do that.  So many of us have failed to nurture the deep connection, whether out of duty or love or both, that would compel us to truly take care of our parents.  So let's admire your husband.  And I suspect that, even though the way in which he is expressing his duty/attachment to his parents right now is problematic, the core trait of caring for others is something that likely attracted you to him in the first place.  Am I wrong?  I'm seeing the good stuff in you, too -- you are seeking to improve your family life, probably not only for yourself but for children as well, and you want to foster a closer connection with your husband as a way to do that.  

I think we have these good intentions -- in spite of the fact that our partners can sometimes seem like they're being jerks who don't care that they're hurting us -- and we have to look for those core intentions.  It keeps us from thinking our spouses are evil goblins.  

And then we have to look for what needs are being fulfilled/left empty by the current situation.  What is the core need your husband is fulfilling by looking out for his parents?  It's not his need to look out for his parents.  His behavior feels negative to you . . . but what is the positive, basic need he is meeting in himself, by doing what he's doing?  If you acknowledge to him that you understand this -- that he's doing a basically good thing, and he's meeting a need in himself -- you will turn the tone of the discussion completely around.  And then you can ask him, "how can I, me, your wife (yoohoo!  over here!  I'm right in front of you!), meet that need of yours here, in our own home?"  If the discussion is about how you can meet his needs more fully, instead of how he's doing the wrong thing to you, you will eventually get a positive response from him.

"His Needs/Her Needs", by Willard F. Harley, Jr., is one of the best relationship books I've read.  He says we all have 10 core relationship needs:  for affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, attractiveness of our spouse, financial support, domestic support, family commitment, and admiration.  Women and men rank those needs differently; and individuals vary a lot in how important certain of those needs are over others.

So . . . what is the need your husband is meeting by taking care of his parents?

What is the need you feel is going unmet by his spending time, resources, and energy on his parents?  

If you can talk about meeting each other's core needs, instead of the things that are going wrong, the argument (I know how painful these are) just might turn into a discussion (these are hard too, but at least you feel like you're getting somewhere) just might turn into small changes (smother him with kisses for each little one) that make a big difference.