By Akiba Solomon
It’s a skill, really. Some women play jazz flute. Some make fine Italian cuisine. But my special talent, it seems, is going on bad dates. I’ve been out with an athlete who bragged about groupies polishing his toenails; a finance guy who casually mentioned that he was under federal investigation; and a blogger who danced like a drunken baby.
Then there was John.* I was elated when this cute, shy events planner got my number from a mutual friend and asked me out to dinner. On date night, I—a flats-and-jeans girl—slipped on red four-inch heels and a pencil skirt. I even got to the restaurant early. Forty-five minutes and six “I’m so sorry” texts later, John arrived. Dinner actually went well—until an elderly hippie wearing a sarong slid into our booth, greeted us in Swahili and bought marijuana from John right in front of me.
Of course, there is one good thing about having so many truly horrific dates: getting to rehash all of the gory details with other lucky ladies. Therefore, I present some of the most awkward, most bizarre, most awesomely bad dates in the history of womankind—for official confirmation that, really, it’s not us; it’s them.
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“When the movie my date wanted to see was sold out, we went to
my first choice instead. A few minutes into the film, he announced
he was going to get us some candy. Twenty minutes passed. Then 30.
Worried, I sent him a text. No response. I even checked the lobby.
An hour later, as the credits rolled, this fool came strolling into
my theater bragging about how he’d snuck in to see the movie he’d
wanted!”
—Chauncie Burton, 28, Chicago
“My girlfriend and I met two guys at a lounge and liked them
enough to move to their table. Three hours later, after lots of
dancing and flirting, the police showed up. Seems our dates had
been buying us drinks with stolen credit cards the entire
time!”
—Rochelle Spencer, 32, Augusta, Ga.
“For our first date, Eric* said we were going out for a ‘nice
meal.’ I was shocked when we arrived at his parents’ just in time
for Sunday dinner. I hardly knew him, so it was incredibly awkward.
Even worse, his grandmom kept asking how many children I was
willing to have!”
—Chinwe Etoh, 24, Baltimore
“Once on a movie date, the guy waited until we got to the ticket
window of the theater to tell me we were going dutch. OK, sure.
After the film, he wanted to go to the Arby’s drive-through so we
could grab something to eat. Before he put in the order, he turned
to me and hissed, ‘You’re paying for yours!’ and for about five
minutes grumbled to himself about ‘greedy women with their hands
out.’ Obviously we didn’t see each other again.”
—Tarana Burke, 36, Philadelphia
“This guy took my meat-eating Texan ass to a raw food, vegan
restaurant. For an entire hour—I am not exaggerating—he explained
to me, in the most vivid detail, how cow’s milk was actually pus.
Clearly this wasn’t a love connection.”
—Renee Good, 38, Prairie View, Tex.
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