In light of the scandal involving Senator John Edwards, and the possibility of him now having a new "baby mama", I am interested in knowing how women feel about the issue of children born from affairs.
Many years ago, when I was dealing with the discovery of infidelity within my own marriage, I came across a greeting card from the other woman where she joked about being pregnant. I recall vividly how my stomach dropped and I began sweating and panting uncontrollably. I knew that if she was indeed pregnant, my marriage was over, done, finished. There would be no working it out, and I knew that regardless of how innocent the child was in the situation, I could not bear to have it in my life as a constant reminder of my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. You see, for ME, that was a deal breaker.
I currently have two close friends and one associate who are dealing with children born of their husbands affair...all three are still married. One of them has embraced the child, who is now a teenager, as her own. They travel together, hang out regularly, and she even introduces the child as her daughter. My second friend has accepted the child into her home, and although she is sometimes haunted by resentment, she genuinely loves and cares for the child during his weekend visits with his father, has a decent relationship with his mother (the former other woman, mind you), and has been amazingly successful in recognizing that the child is an innocent bystander and not a party to her husband's foolishness. The third friend, however, refuses to acknowledge, accept or deal with the child at all. She will not let her own children have any dealings with the child and figures that they can all meet up someday when they are adults. She does not inhibit her husbands ability to spend time with the child, but feels that the sanctity of her home should not be compromised by his past transgressions.
So now, this brings me to my question. I am interested in knowing how people would deal, or have dealt, with the issue of a child born from an affair. Would/did the marriage survive, and if so, is it something you believe you can or would get past? One side note, neither of my friends who've accepted the other child into their lives has children of their own. Do you think that makes a difference?
I'm interested in your opinions or experience in dealing with this.
Thanks,
Danine Manette
Author of: Ultimate Betrayal
The Children of Affairs
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:56am PDT
Report Abusei am in a similar situation. 1 month after we seperated my x got someone pregnant and to top it off i didnt find out till two and a half years later. we have an adopted 9 and 11 year old . so him having a biological child now just devastates me. it may sound selfish but i want all the attention on my kids from there father. they see him every weekend and also during the week. i am not dealing well with this at all!! and now he and this woman are getting married and my kids are in the wedding!! i am very depressed as i know life is going to change....and i want no part of this kid as mean as that sounds...
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:10am PDT
Report AbuseI've never dealt with this personally, though I will say this:
The child is a innocent bystander.
Be angry at your spouse, and understandably so, however, if you stay married, be "at peace" with the situation. Meaning, when you get angry about again , ( cause you probably will) be dissapointed with him and not the child.
Always put the love and understanding first, towards yourself, the child, and yes, even the transgressor.
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:14pm PDT
Report AbuseI've never dealt with this either and while I agree with MochaMama that the child is innocent, I don't think it will be easy for me to accept him/her. Personally, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for a while now and after a miscarriage and more than a year with no success, if I were to hear he had an outside child, I don't think I would be very receptive to the thought. Every woman is different, every circumstance is different and with time, I might be accepting, but if I'm not then I seriously don't think I can be blamed for it.
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05pm PDT
Report AbuseNot only would I be completely UNABLE to deal with my H's "love child", but I also could not fathom how his mistress would trust the child being around me, the woman whose husband she screwed. Not saying that I would or could ever do such a thing, but if I was the mistress, I would be afraid the wife would mistreat my child. In any event, it is a very sad situation and one that is not discussed very much.
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:23pm PDT
Report AbuseAFTER READING SOME OF THE COMMENTS I AM FEELING GUILTY AND WISH I COULD GET PAST THIS. I KNOW THE CHILD IS TOTALLY INNOCENT. BUT HOW DO I GET TO THE POINT OF ACCEPTANCE , HOW DO I GET PAST THE HURT? FORGOT TO MENTION THE MISTRESS WAS SOMEONE WHO WORKED WITH MY X AND WAS A FRIEND TO ME AND MY KIDS!!
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:14pm PDT
Report AbuseOkay, No I personally would not accept the child of a affair, I wouldn't want that constant thought of what he had did!! And No my marriage would not bounce back from that, it would be over in a heart beat, but if somehow it survived I definately would not let him have any contact with the child, nor the mother..nor would I let my children have anything to do with a child either! I would go mad with the constant reminder of what had happen..
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Posted by Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:41pm PDT
Report AbuseI don't think that my marriage would have a chance, although when I took my vows I did agree to better or worse. I wouldn't blame the child, however, I would have trouble with the mother and my husband. All trust would be gone and it would be really hard for me to accept that situation like it never happened. I dont't think I would stop my husband from taking care of his responsibilities, but I think the strain would cause us to separate eventually.
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Posted by Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:38pm PDT
Report AbuseHi. I'm the child of an affair. My dad was married at the time and my mom was in a committed (although abusive) relationship with the father of my older brother (they eventually had 2 other children after I was born). I did not know that I had a different dad from my siblings until I was 13 yrs old, when my mom checked me out of school to meet him. The way she did it was unforgivable to say the less...no apology, nothing, just "oh, that's your dad". I'm 25 now and still haven't gotten over it. Not only that but I was always treated differently by my "dad" (my siblings' dad) and could never understand why (he has a tattoo of my sister's name above his heart and I could never understand why it wasn't me since I was the 1st born girl, for example).
Anyway, a month or so after meeting my real dad for the first time he came back down to visit me, this time with his wife. Everything seemed to be going fine although you can tell that she was uncomfortable, so was I!!! My whole world had been turned upside down! I remember we went out for dinner and I left the table, when I got back they were arguing over when he first found out about me. He told her that he had just found out but when I met him a couple months earlier he had told me he used to come see me when I was younger (even described how my mom used to braid my hair). I was so embarassed! Being denied to my face like that. Later that day I found out I had other siblings (3 brother, 1 had recently died in a car accident, and a sister). I heard from my dad once more a few months later and then didn't hear from him again until I moved away to college and found his number online (I was living 30 minutes away from him now).
A few months later he came and got me to spend the weekend at their house. One afternoon my step-mom's niece came over, saw me, and asked who I was. My step-mom told her who I was and then said she had just found out about me. I wanted to cry. I walked out the house and called my boyfriend who wanted to come and get me he was so upset. I never went over there again. I only called my dad a couple more times when I needed help with rent (he has never paid child support). His wife works at the mall around the corner from my house and I run into her sometimes. Half of the times she says "Oh, your dad and I were just talking about you"...you know, all fake and stuff, and the other times she just walks past me like she doesn't know me from Adam.
It's heartbreaking. Never having a real father. Being disowned over and over again...and for what, because YOU'RE embarassed...what about me? It's definitely a blow to a person's self-image/perception of self-worth but I'm dealing as best I can. I also think that it's ironic that I'm the most successful of all my siblings...I guess I'm driven, life has made me that way. I just wanted to give you the perspective of the child produced from the affair.
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Posted by Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:40pm PDT
Report AbuseOh, and I found THIS post while searching the web for a support group/forum for children of affairs. So far I haven't found anything.
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Posted by Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:09am PDT
Report AbuseI fathered a son out of an affair that ended my marrige and am bitter towards my ex-wife. We were empty nesters and I had three daughters from a previous marrige who lived with their mother. My wife and I went through four or five episodes of "in vitro" and even an egg donor program where I literally whacked off into a cup and fertilized another womans eggs.
When this didn't work my wife delved into her work and more or less (MORE) neglected her so called wifely duties. I went three years without sex before I strayed one time. The woman got pregnant and I was thrilled. It was a boy, my only son! How do you tell your wife of this? I did over dinner one night,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
She suggested I convince the woman to have an abortion to save our marrige. I couldn't do that , I wanted the child and vowed never to stray again. I was very compatible with my wife and my only problem was the fact that after failing to get pregnant sex became totally unimportant. I was only 42 and horny as heck to say the least.
Samuel ended up with a due date which was my wife's birthday, (what a gift from God I thought), but came early on her deceased brother's birthday who had passed at age 12 from leukemia. Was this a sign?
She divorced me convincing me I had done the unforgivable. What I consider unforgivable is that we are not raising this child together.
Her family has millions of dollars and I'm struggling to put food on the table. Samuel has Downs Syndrome and really needed parents like my wife and myself. I sometimes questions God's motives but accept this wonderful child and love him more than anything or anyone in my life.
You women who question your husbands love for you have a right to do so but to alienate the child for any reason who arises from an affair is sinful to say the least. Men are men by the way, we also have hearts, needs, dreams, and it's hard to fit a brain in our other head which we sometimes use to think with.
KEEP THE FAITH
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