In light of the scandal involving Senator John Edwards, and the possibility of him now having a new "baby mama", I am interested in knowing how women feel about the issue of children born from affairs.
Many years ago, when I was dealing with the discovery of infidelity within my own marriage, I came across a greeting card from the other woman where she joked about being pregnant. I recall vividly how my stomach dropped and I began sweating and panting uncontrollably. I knew that if she was indeed pregnant, my marriage was over, done, finished. There would be no working it out, and I knew that regardless of how innocent the child was in the situation, I could not bear to have it in my life as a constant reminder of my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. You see, for ME, that was a deal breaker.
I currently have two close friends and one associate who are dealing with children born of their husbands affair...all three are still married. One of them has embraced the child, who is now a teenager, as her own. They travel together, hang out regularly, and she even introduces the child as her daughter. My second friend has accepted the child into her home, and although she is sometimes haunted by resentment, she genuinely loves and cares for the child during his weekend visits with his father, has a decent relationship with his mother (the former other woman, mind you), and has been amazingly successful in recognizing that the child is an innocent bystander and not a party to her husband's foolishness. The third friend, however, refuses to acknowledge, accept or deal with the child at all. She will not let her own children have any dealings with the child and figures that they can all meet up someday when they are adults. She does not inhibit her husbands ability to spend time with the child, but feels that the sanctity of her home should not be compromised by his past transgressions.
So now, this brings me to my question. I am interested in knowing how people would deal, or have dealt, with the issue of a child born from an affair. Would/did the marriage survive, and if so, is it something you believe you can or would get past? One side note, neither of my friends who've accepted the other child into their lives has children of their own. Do you think that makes a difference?
I'm interested in your opinions or experience in dealing with this.
Thanks,
Danine Manette
Author of: Ultimate Betrayal
The Children of Affairs
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From the Community…
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Posted by Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:44am PDT
Report AbuseAs much as I believe & know that I love my husband, I honestly would have to walk away. When he laid down w/ someone & a child came out of it is basically a spit & slap in my face.To sleep w/ someone else when he knows what fidelity & marriage means to me. I know that if he was overseas & I got pregnant from someone while he was deployed that he would divorce me w/ out any hesitation ! He doesn't acknowledge my daughter that I had before we got married. He tells people that I have 4 children when I really have 5. Therefore, if he treats me this way , then he should know that my children & I would not be anywhere to be found. He could look high & low, but he has no knowledge of my true birth surname!!
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Posted by Tue Dec 16, 2008 8:02pm PST
Report AbuseI am also an affair child, like "lovnlife", and am trying to find something on the web about it. There is so much stuff for the spouses but never anything for the kids, on either side. I don't think people realize how abusive these situations are to kids. This is our foundation in life.
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Posted by Tue Mar 24, 2009 8:01am PDT
Report AbuseI was "the other woman" who had a son to a married man. So yes, we have a love child. The wife was so ruthless about it and is so mean about him. She has two daughters (therefore he has two half sisters) who adore their younger brother. Yet still, she hates him but tells everyone she would never hold anything against a child yet she does. Thankfully my son is only a baby right now and doesn't understand.
Anyway, they divorced due to our affair and we are together raising what everyone would call our son "the love child". The ex wife moved on and found someone else yet still holds so much against us and our son. I can understand to an extent, but I don't treat her children like that or say mean things about them. In the future, my son could hear the things she says about him being an embarrassment. That would seriously hurt him and maybe even his sisters.
This is my opinion on the wives: clearly, no marriage can be truly saved after an affair. You will always wonder and always prod and be nosy. If your husband were truly happy with you and you were being a good wife, he wouldn't have strayed to look for love from someone else that made him feel better. Granted some men are sick and just do it because they're sick minded and like having more than one woman. I believe though, that after an affair, you can't really bounce back from that in most cases. But you still shouldn't take ANYTHING out on a child REGARDLESS of how the child came about.
Sure, it's hard, but you know what? IT'S A CHILD. They are truly as someone posted, an innocent bystander. If you hold a grudge against an innocent child then how do you think you will be able to save your marriage if you could never let that go or never be okay with him being a father?? If you can't accept a child due to the way they were created because you're too selfish and can only think of yourselves, then maybe look back into your marriage and question that maybe that's why your husband had an affair to begin with...maybe you were too controlling and closed minded and mean about a lot that wasn't right. Maybe you just didn't treat him well. And if he still told you he loved you and cared for you after the affair then it's probably either A: you have kids together and he's afraid you will be nasty about them or threaten him with the children or have already threatened him. B: you're that controlling and manipulative that he is too scared to tell you he doesn't love you and wants you out. Or C. both and/or maybe he's just intrigued by having more than one woman. But seriously consider that and if you can't accept the child due to an affair, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your priorities and quit thinking of yourself and how YOU feel. Think about the ultimately innocent child!
I rest my case.
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Posted by Tue Mar 24, 2009 10:08pm PDT
Report AbuseAlice,
In a perfect world, the betrayed wife would readily accept your child as a half brother to her children and treat him with the consideration an innocent child deserves. But infidelity causes wounds that run very deep and take many years to begin to heal.
Your post expressly scolds the betrayed wife and blames her for putting your son in the position of being called an "embarrassment." I can certainly understand that she would feel embarrassed by her husband's cheating. She had NO CHOICE in creating your out of wedlock son. That choice was made by YOU and your son's cheating father, yet you seem to bear no responsibility for creating the situation you're in.
How considerate of HER children were YOU when you decided to have sex with their father, knowing that it could destroy the young girls' family. You want the betrayed wife to stop thinking about herself and "think about the innocent child." Did you think what your affair would do to his daughters? Did you realize that they would be devastated to lose their daddy? Did you understand that they, too, would feel betrayed because their father lied and cheated on their mother?
Of course not. Your concern is yourself and your son. Before you call the betrayed wife "selfish," take a look at your own actions.
What kind of mother brings a child into the world without the benefit of a solid, committed, two parent family who value traditional morals like marriage? Years from now, your son may blame YOU for having him with a married man who has not committed himself legally (as in marriage) to you. Instead of choosing a good strong man with character, integrity, loyalty and honor, you chose a cheater as a father for your son. You chose a man who lied and sneaked around. How proud of you will your son be when he learns that he was conceived while daddy was married to another woman?
When a parent cheats, ALL the children are innocent victims. ALL of them suffer the pain and humiliation of being the offspring of a parent who has no integrity, no honesty, no loyalty. THAT is the kind of parent YOU'VE chosen for your child.
So before you continue to blame the exwife for not embracing your son, look at who is responsible for causing pain to two young girls by having an affair with their father and who is responsible for producing a son with a man who already had a family.
My heart breaks for your son. He has a mother who doesn't think sleeping with a married man is wrong. He has a mother who blames others instead of taking responsibility for her own situation.
I wish you luck in keeping your man. Your little A.,B.,C., explanation of why he was telling his wife he still loved her after your affair began sounds like he was lying not only to his wife, but to you also. You may think because he's with you, that you've won. Frankly, I think the exwife came out ahead. She's moved on and left a cheating man behind. YOU are left living with a cheater.
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Posted by Thu Apr 2, 2009 11:21am PDT
Report AbuseWow, Alice. I wish I could know what happens to you down the road living with a known cheater. You participated in breaking up the home of two kids and yours will be broken, too.
I am sorry for you that you ended up with the cheater, but happy for his wife who now can rebuild her life. Her life will be rebuilt just about the time yours comes crashing down around you!
Karma....
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Posted by Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:22pm PDT
Report AbuseMy husband had an affair that resulted in a child. She is now 7 years old. We were separated for 5 years, and he had the child during that time. (We separated because of the affair.) We reconciled when she was about 1 year old, but I have known her since she was a baby. He would bring her to my house to visit with our children. I love her as my own daughter, and it doesn't bother me that he still has to see her mother. She is at the age where she is questioning the relationships in her life. Her mother has two other children that live with their dad, but she knows that my husband lived with her mother and siblings at one time. I think her mother may have told her that I am the reason that her dad doesn't live with them. She has a lot of questions, and I don't know how to answer them. Any advice?
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