Reading the "Shine" site and throughout my daily life, I
am constantly coming across guides written by men on what
they're thinking when they meet a woman, are on a date, in a
relationship, etc. and how to interpret the hints they give in
these situations. Maybe it's because I don't read
many (or any) sites geared towards men's interests (although I
do pick up the occasional "Maxim" or "Playboy")
or maybe it's because men really aren't that concerned
about this (my male friends would indicate otherwise), but I rarely
see a candid article geared towards cluing guys into what women are
thinking in these situations.
On that note, below is my guide to what I am generally thinking
when I meet someone, go out on a date, start a relationship, etc.
and the clues that I give out. Of course, I cannot speak for
all women, but maybe some of what I say will make sense and be of
some help to the general public.
1. If I'm at a bar with my friends, don't
approach me... Actually, don't approach me if I'm alone at
a bar. I will never take anyone I meet at a bar
seriously. If you want someone to chat up and dance with,
fine, give it a shot, I like to dance sometimes and small talk can
be nice, but don't call me the next day or think
there's any chance I'm going to go home with you. It
isn't going to happen. A bar is a horrible place to meet
someone and whether I intend for it to happen or not, once I've
met a guy in that situation, I lose all interest in getting to know
him or even sleeping with him. The most you have a chance at
is a short, tipsy makeout session and your chances for that
aren't very good either. I would much rather meet a
guy at an intramural sports game, at a bookstore/coffee shop,
a first friday art gallery event, a small dinner party... basically
anywhere where alcohol is not seriously involved and things are
more peaceful and friend oriented.
2. I go after what I want. If I am interested in a guy,
I will let him know. I'll make it obvious. If
you are having to look for little hints that I'm into you, than
I'm not into you. I'm a little bit of a
flirt with everyone, but when I want something, I don't
skirt around it. I make the first move. I'm not
saying I jump on a guy, but I may invite him to hang out one
on one, make a point to pull him aside for some alone time when
we're out in a group of mutual friends, reach over to hold his
hand while he's driving, increase physical contact with
him (squeeze his shoulder, touch his arm as I walk by/ during
conversation, stand closer than normal while talking) or even
go in for the first kiss if I'm getting good
vibes.
3. The first call is your responsibility. As previously
stated, I've made it obvious that I'm interested, now
it's up to you to do something (or not do something) about
that. Don't leave it up to me. If you can't get
the balls up to make a phone call and schedule a date,
you're not worth my time or energy.
4. If you have to convince me, just give up, it won't
turn out well. I'm pretty direct, but in my youth, I
occasionally let myself get talked into giving something a chance
that I wasn't really into, mostly because I felt guilty for
hurting someone's feelings or I just wanted to stop being
pestered. I'd like to think that I've learned my
lesson and that I'm better at giving people flat out no
answers, whereas I used to try the "let him down easy"
approach, which is never a good idea. To be honest, I have
gotten better at this. Still, not every woman has and I
am not perfect either. If you have to talk a girl into a
date, she is unsure if she wants to be called
your "girlfriend" (the "I don't believe in
labels" line is BS), etc., just back off. Are there
exceptions? Sure, but to quote a very popular movie, 99 times
out of 100, "you are not the exception, you are the
rule." Why would you want to date a girl anyway if you
have to convince her you're worth her time and energy? I
wouldn't date a guy who felt that way.
5. If I sleep with you quickly, it's because I don't
see it going anywhere and I just want to have fun.
Yes, women do this too. When I was younger, I had a
couple of bad heartbreaks where I let things go too quickly with a
guy I really, really liked. I learned from those
situations. If I really like a person, I am going to wait a
decent amount of time before I have sex with them, no matter how
keyed up I am, because I want to get to know them, and more
importantly, I want to make sure that they are interested in
actually getting to know me. If I sleep with you after
we've been dating a couple of weeks it's because I
don't really care to get to know you any better. Don't
expect the relationship to go anywhere further
emotionally. It won't. I'm not someone who does
this a lot, but let's face it, a girl has needs. If it
has been a long time and I'm craving some physical contact, I
don't need the emotional part, or even want it
necessarily. I just want to have a little fun for a few weeks
without it getting in the way of my life. It doesn't mean
you're not a nice guy, just that I don't feel any kind of
emotional bond with you past friendship and never will.
I'm pretty direct about my intentions, and I would never hide
them from a guy, but please don't look for the little hints or
subtle clues underneath the exterior. They're not
there. I'm not just afraid to commit, this isn't
about that ex who hurt me, I don't just need time, I'm just
not that into you.
6. Money isn't important to me, but being in control of
your life is. I don't care if you make $30,000 or
$200,000 a year as long as you are content, doing something
worthwhile and are in control of your life and finances. If
you are living paycheck to paycheck because you live beyond your
means, don't put money into savings, are in serious debt or
spend extravegent amounts (even if you have it to spend) on silly
material things, please leave me alone. Using your money or
career as a selling point is tacky and makes me feel cheap. I
can take care of myself and I'm looking for a partner, not a
sugar daddy. Likewise, being insecure because you don't
have a lot of formal education or pull in a big paycheck is
ridiculous. I'm interested in you, not your wallet.
As long as you can take care of yourself, manage your
finances and make an equal contribution (not necessarily equal
in a monetary sense) to a family or home in the future, you
are a good catch. I would rather be with an electrician,
teacher, social worker, etc. who likes what he does, has a
sense of purpose each day and is loving, attentive and good to
those around him, than a lawyer or big shot finance guy who goes to
work just to make money, replaces love with material gifts and
doesn't have time for those around him.
Hopefully this ranting can give you, the reader, some insight into
what women are thinking. Like I said, I can't speak for
everyone, but these are the points that popped up as being
important for me as well as being the ones that my guy friends have
told me helped them out. Please feel free to comment and
disagree... I'd like hear what everyone has to say.
This girl's guide to what women are thinking in the dating world.
user
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From the Community…
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Posted by Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:55am PST
Report AbuseMost of what you have said is true for a lot of women.
Something I look for as well....tipping. I know that sounds silly, however, it says a lot about the man. If a man does not tip, (and it's not because the service was lowsy, cuz that's acceptable), but when everything is normal and good it means that he is not generous. Not necessarily with his money, but generous with everything....he is stingy with his money, time, love, emotions and doesn't really 'get' that it's not just manners when you write down that amount. I went on a first and last date with a man who spent over 20 minutes trying to impress this young waitress with the fact that he knew all about her home town and felt sorry for her being away from home as a struggling college student. We had ordered pie and hot chocolate. He left her NO tip at all. Nothing. Our bill was only about 7 dollars. I did not have cash with me and so I came back the next day, gave her boss an envelope to give to her with a note and money in it for her, and then a note for her boss telling him how wonderful that she was in her endurance and service, and that I was sorry that the guy with me was such a jerk to her like that. I had daughters that were just a bit younger than her, as did he, who he informed me didn't want anything to do with him as he made himself unavailable to them cuz he said all they wanted from him was money and wanted to spend time with him when he was busy. See the trend? He called and wanted to go out again and I told him no thank you. He called again to ask and I again told him no and not to call again, he wanted to know why, and so I told him....he was speechless, and all I can hope is that he changed his ways. It's the little things that I look at and for and when they are missing, makes you wonder why and how that will affect how he treats you. If he treats someone he doesn't know rudely and with no respect or with anger....I think how he will treat me, someone he may love and want to spend all his time with....and so I look at those things closely.
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Posted by Mon Nov 30, 2009 9:05am PST
Report AbuseSandy - I agree with you. Not just the tip is important, but the whole way a guy treats service staff is as well. If you are a jerk to the cab driver/waiter/bartender/etc. I don't care if you tip 40%, I'm going to be put off by it. The other one I forgot it that if a guy feels the need to advertise that he is a "nice" or "good" guy, I automatically doubt that he is. All the guys I've met who felt the need to stress that they are nice or good, turned out to be jerks. Good, nice men just are... they don't need to tell you, you'll see it on your own.
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Posted by Mon Nov 30, 2009 9:29am PST
Report AbuseAmen on that.....sort of like when someone has to tell you that they are sexy.....it's like a sign on them that says....I'm soo UNsexy it isn't even funny. That is like the ...if you have to convince me, just give it up...number. Now we just have to get those nice good men to tell us where they hang out....lol....so we can meet them....heheheh
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Posted by Mon Nov 30, 2009 9:42am PST
Report AbuseThis blog was very well explained and I related to several parts of of the discussion. The reasonings within a (some) female's perspectives when it comes to having a 'relationship' of one's interest, was pretty close to being accurate and true. Perhaps this is why, not being able to find one whole good guy that suits and or fits with who and what you are as a female-(what you like or dislike as a person and lifestyle choices), but I am attracted to diverse parts among a few males, from knowledge, to talents and physical looks as well. All that I fancy in the doing for the sake of being creative and letting my own soul express itself is too, as what some professionals would call my types of attractions, Narcissitic to a certain degree, but what I like to do, cannot only be successful in the understanding (not that it is the only thing that matters in life) money, but also being able to truly discover one's higher and more advanced interests in life that a lot of people tend to become jealous about and literally try to ruin you as a person with what you like to do and you may have discovered within your own private self-as the bible says; 'for God, all things are possible'. IMO, it is almost literally impossible to find one's DREAM mate- that perfect fit, etc, perhaps this is why (besides my own flaws within my type of reasoning) I cannot find myself only permanently staying with one person for the rest of my life, but more in the understanding of what giz said, having an equal partnership for life. However, as a conservative 'doer' in the realm of a sexual relationship, this is where I remain faithful in and to, the one soul who I may be attracted to the most, by not only commonalities of creative interests, but other turn on factors as well even though I may be flirting with my other interests and parts that I fancy for in my opposites. With all the mixtures of diversity that occurs in life, from cultures, to beliefs, etc I will have to agree, that it is difficult to find the true center of one's soul, but do I know that even through all my hard earned efforts in the field of education, it has taught me a great deal, as well as being a beneficial addition in the most crucial and important parts of life that makes a person to form better judgments and to personal growths, even though that it did not pay off in the hopes of gaining that dream career of one's choice. To all women, will I say, I hope you all truly find what makes an adding to your already ongoing happiness; a man cannot give you happiness you have to find it within yourself, but a mate can give an show you love, in which all of us need from time to time, may it be a sexual connection or a simple hug and kiss.
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Posted by Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:06pm PST
Report AbuseOooh I love this!!!!! Well argued and clearly stated. Thank you!
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Posted by Mon Nov 30, 2009 4:37pm PST
Report AbuseNicole... I keep seeing you pop up on various posts... you need some serious help.
Seek therapy please.
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Posted by Tue Dec 1, 2009 5:43am PST
Report AbuseWho is this Nicole person...? I've never heard of or talked to her and she doesn't even make any sense... Oh well.
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Posted by Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:44pm PST
Report AbuseI am wondering how Giz would feel if some guy she liked slept with her because, you know, he "has needs" like she does, then just walked away. I am guessing she would be pretty upset, as is any guy out there trying to determine why she would sleep with someone she has no interest in.
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Posted by Tue Jan 26, 2010 9:20am PST
Report AbuseMichael,
If he knows that she's not looking for anything serious with him then I don't see the problem. I've liked a girl who was only looking for a fling and it stung when she stopped calling but I knew what I got myself into, so it was relatively easy to move on to the next.
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