User post: Is a new partner’s child’s hostility toward you a good reason to end the relationship?

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  Posted by JDM Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:39am PDT

  yeah leave 'em your kid usually has a good insight because they want to be treated nicely as well

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  Posted by Shawn Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:51am PDT

  Lol, I can see already that this will be juicy. It's not always a matter of insight, but often times a matter of their own personal struggles that really do need attention.

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  Posted by Ji Hae Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:25pm PDT

  Wheres the father?

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  Posted by Super Abuelita Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:03pm PDT

  Depends on the age of the child, and what type of situation your partner came out of.

  Many young children are used as pawns in the mother's and father's separation or divorce. If the children are too young to understand that both parents love the child, but cannot live together, they will be confused.

  Once they get older, it depends on how much the child has been through. Many mimic their parents actions, whether good or bad.

  Children can be much more open, if they are allowed to be.

  So, I guess it depends how the relationship of your partner was, and how involved your partner wants to be.

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  Posted by Cutie Mon Sep 21, 2009 5:11pm PDT

  I have never commented on here, but as an (until recently) single mother of 2, your post strikes a cord with me. Dating sucks, period. Dating with children really sucks. It's hard to know the right time to introduce people to the children because that puts pressure on all parties involved. Maybe this child has been introduced to a lot of men and she's coping with that instablity by being mean to you. You don't mention how old she is or how long you've been dating her mother. Children are also very protective of their parents. Maybe her hostility is a way of protecting her mom. I couldn't really say where the resistance is coming from without knowing more details. Kids also resist authority so maybe she's thinking if you keep dating her mom, she'll have 2 parents that are going to discipline her and that is hard adjustment to make for a child. You don't say if her father is in the picture, maybe the resistance comes from her not wanting anyone to take the place of the biological father. Or if he's not around, she could feel rejection from him and she's taking that feeling out on you because if her real dad won't stick around to raise her, maybe she feels that she needs to test you to see if you'll stick it out.

  Bottom line, there can be a myriad of reasons why children don't like or accept Mommy's new boyfriend. You have to decode behaviour of young kids because it's not always what it seems to be. Maybe give her more time. But without knowing more details, I really can't give you anything more concrete than that. If you really care for the mother, you have to learn why the child is behaving in that way towards you so the issue can be resolved. If you aren't sure if you're up to discovering and correcting the issue, then you need to move on because if you aren't going to be a proactive parent with your partner, then you don't need to date a single mother.

  Best of luck!

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  Posted by miss my family Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:57pm PDT

  My dad (and yes I'm an adult but I agree with my dad on this and I'm not going to pretend it is my idea) says this situation shouldn't even happen because of several reasons.

  1 If you divorced someone you shouldn't have. Even if you "grew apart". Suck it up you aren't ALWAYS gonna like everything your spouse does. But no matter how many people you marry you will never find the "perfect" mate. Jesus in the bible says the ONLY reason for divorce is infidelity. But even then if possible it's best to save the marriage if possible. Matt 5:31-32 Matt 19:3-9 Mark10:2-12 (the one by mark also proves you shouldn't be gay.)

  2 If you didn't divorce someone you shouldn't be pregnant because you shouldn't be having sex. Unless of course you were raped. In that case I am sorry.

  3 And I know you will want to argue this but the truth is once you have kids your life is no longer about YOU. The child is what you should be focused on and I know you may be lonely but that's no excuse. When your child is an adult and able to take care of themselves THEN you can look for a mate. It is about the child that you had not about you. I know everyone says we should think of ourselves first but that is not true. Where in the bible does it say "think about yourself and then others" if you can find one verse where it say God wants you to think of yourself first show me. I would love to see it.

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  Posted by Macy Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:37pm PDT

  How infantile that Nanner...and a matching picture to boot...

  (rolling my eyes)

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  Posted by Emotionalzombie7997 Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:42pm PDT

  Have you talked to the child one on one about what he or she likes? Just knowing a little about some of the things that the child likes and being able to talk about something the child holds dear can go along way. Putting forth a little effort in that way can go along way.

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  Posted by miss my family Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:55pm PDT

  Exactly what was "infantile"? Why do you feel the need to comment on me personally rather than point out what you disagree with? And why do you feel the need to call me names just because you don't agree with me. You have no idea how old I am maybe I'm older than you. Please try to stay on subject. Rather than trying to attack a PERSON comment on the actual SUBJECT. If you don't agree with what I say you can say so but there's no reason to throw cheap shots. There is such a thing as respectful disagreement.

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  Posted by Elle Tue Sep 22, 2009 2:02am PDT

  To Nanner,

  Its clear you live your life according to the Bible which is of course your right and prerogative but please remember not everyone adheres to the same belief. Imagine if someone started quoting the Koran and citing it as stated fact. So while it may be true for you, quoting the bible does not automatically validate your argument.

  To Shawn,

  I see your difficulty and frustration but remember the helpless party here is the child. He (or she) may see you as an intruder trying to take her father's place and feel it is his obligation to defend her father against you. You may be viewed by the child as the one who is wrecking the "dream" of his parents getting back together. The important thing is to take it very slow. Keep your cool, be calm and adult and try to stay scarce until the child slowly gets comfortable having you around. Most of all remember this kid is probably hurting and lashing out, dont take it personally.

  The fact that you're considering the child's feelings enough to write this blog is a good sign and I'm sure his mother appreciates the effort you're taking.

  One more thing, if the kid is above 6 years old, dont ever try to be a surrogate parent, make it clear you're a friend and that its the mom makes all the decisions regarding the child.

  Best of luck!!

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