I have a very complex situation going on in my life.
I am a single mother of 2.
My children's Father and I have been through for about a year.
I do not have a boyfriend, but there is someone that I am seeing, but not really, but kind of, but not really.
Ok I know it sounds very confusing but this is why.
See the man that I have been seeing (kinda but not really) has a girlfriend. A girlfriend of 5 years. They live together and they have children (from previous relationships/marriages) They seem like normal family. Nice house, Nice cars, Cute Kids, Nice Life. Leave it alone right?
I just can't. I have tried and tried to just stop seeing him but I can't. Its very strange because this isn't your typical affair. There is no false hope.
I know that there is no "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" Gosh, There isnt even a rainbow at all.
I knew when this whole thing started that there would be no hope for any type of relationship other than what it is. It is simply sex, We hook up for sex. I like the sex.
We dont hook up all that often usually a few times a month sometimes more, sometimes less. I knew in the beginning that this was it. Just 2 people meeting the need of another. Strictly about a feeling. Just that no more.
Slowly it is becoming more...
Its strange we dont talk everyday but we talk often. he usually calls me (because of the whole girlfriend thing). and we see each other at work. we dont work directly together but we see each other. I get excited to come to work!
He is your typical man. cute face, nice body, shorter than me (dont like that part), Very funny and witty, playful and Super Intellegent. He is also very practical and down to earth. I like everything about his personality. We like alot of the same things and have a deep conversation or just playful banter. He's really great.
His girlfriend seems nice. I have never met her but I hear from people who have that she is ok. He doesnt talk bad about her but he does tell the the normal stuff. He edoes tell me that they argue alot and I have been with him when she calls and they are fighting. He says that they just dont get along.
But he isnt leaving her and isnt even thinking about it. He loves her.
Here is where it gets a little sticky.......
I love him.
I am totally in love with him. I find myself thinking of him every waking moment of everyday. I will be dead set on concentrating on something and the next thing I know I am caught thinking of him.
And....
I can't tell him!
because......
When we started this he said that there would be no feelings involved.(which by the way neither one of us knows how it got to where it is now because we were just beginning to be friends and somewhere we crossed that line) If feelings ever started to develop he would end it because he doesn't want to be emotionally invoved. And I believe that he could because he has done it in the past. but the question is wouold he?
This sucks because I have caught those feelings and dont know what to do with them....
what if I tell him and then he does end it. I will be crushed. If I cant have all of him I at least want to keep what I do have. But what if I tell him and he doesn't end it? I'm not really sure I want to be the home wrecker. I'm not even sure if I want a long term relationship with him. I'm not sure what the heck I want out of this. I am so confused by the whole situation. I never would have guessed in the beginning that it would come to this. I had no intentions on falling in love with a man that I cannot have.
I know he has feelings for me to. I know that they run deeper than he would like to admit. I know this because his phone calls are becoming more frequent and he is trying to find ways for us to meet up with each other. He also is starting to get that jealous look when he sees me talking to another man (not romantically, just general conversation.)
I know that this is a unhealthy relationship but I like it and dont know where to take it from here. I really want to tell him that I have caught feelings but I am scared.
My birthday is this weekend and I am thinking that whatever he says or if he gives me a gift or even remembers that its my birthday then that will determine where i take it from here. Does that sound stupid?
and if I should end it, Then How? How could we go on seeing each other everyday? And then I wonder if we could remain friends? he tells me all the time that this is a strange situation because we are friends and he usually doesnt get involved with friends. I know i am not the only person he has cheated with. He has told me that I am the only one now. I believe him because he hasnt lied to me yet. And if he did end it, I would be every upset if he just replaced me just like that.
Oh my help me? What can I do?
This is crazy! After re-reading this I see that it is clear that I need to move on and find myself someone who is emotionally ready for a long term relationship, but why am I trying to talk myself out of the sane decision?
