Love + Sex
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Why are commitment issues so debilitating?
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- by RitaF, on Fri May 23, 2008 9:20am PDT
Finally, I have figured it out. For the longest time I thought a had a problem with commitment: I've been terrified to get into another doomed relationship. God forbid it lasts more than two weeks at which point I get bored and intimidated to tears. I couldn't stay at a job for longer than a year and the last time I lived someplace for over 9 months was in high school! And friends? Don't even get me started on friends: I keep jumping from one to another...finding new and even more creative ways to chase them away.
Sure, it's difficult to get past the first two weeks of dating a new guy, and when you're working entry level administrative positions it's very easy to get bored quickly. Living somewhere? I just figured out that room mates are not my cup of tea (probably has something to do with not being able to keep friends). But I mean there is a limit to how paralyzed one should get by fear. I'm starting to think this isn't by choice! What's wrong with me?! Do I have a sign above my head that screams "STAY AWAY!" or is my aura black with uncertainty...can people tell? Why isn't anyone trying to save me anymore? Have they given up right as I'm ready for them?
I wish there was a quick and simple solution to this played out dilemna. I'm commitmentphobic (yes, it is an actual phobia) and here is what all-knowing Wikepedia has to say about that:
"Commitmentphobia is a real disabling fear, that can be manifest in many areas of life, including career, home ownership, or even shoe shopping. This fear can make simple every day decisions into a tremendous burden.
To assuage their anxieties, many commitmentphobics become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner, car, or job can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitmentphobics are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners or jobs without notice, leaving themselves and the people in their lives in untenable situations."
How bad is it? It can take me 20 minutes to pick a beverage from a grocery store aisle! But I'm so tired of it...I do want a relationship that lasts, I want a place to live that I love, I want to be able to tell people that I've been at my job for more than 9 months and I want people to be able to tell that to! Truly and honestly and for everything that has ever mattered to me...I want to stop running!
Why does it have to be so debilitating?!
Photo by Andy Reynolds.
Related: relationships, rejection, pain, love, life, fear, commitment
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Posted by Fri May 23, 2008 12:11pm PDT
Rita, you are not alone! I'm 27, and I've recently had similar realizations about myself, and I've come to the conclusion that it's something that can be changed if I can commit to changing these patterns that I have. That having been said, issues with commitment are easily confused with issues involving refusal to remain in a situation that is unhappy, unproductive, or unsuitable. Although an aversion to commitment is likely a part of the problem, some of us simply refuse to settle for anything less than everything that we want, and we don't like to waste time being unsatisfied. Some people would characterize this as giving up too easily, but leaving a situation that is unsatisfactory is simply making a choice. Another choice is to remain in an unhappy situation, whether it is a job, a relationship, or a living situation, and some people make this choice simply because they do not want to give up too easily, which I would argue is not the right reason to remain in a situation. Regardless, your feelings of dissatisfaction should not be minimalized, nor should your decisions to do what you believe is best for yourself at the time. Fear of commitment is only a problem if you perceive yourself avoiding commitment to situations that are actually in your best interest in the long term. Once you find yourself in a job, living situation, or relationship that makes you feel comfortable, you will find that your desire will be to preserve the situation, rather than to escape from it. Give close attention to your thoughts and feelings of dissatisfaction, and examine the origins of these feelings. If you really are truly unsatisfied by a situation, that's much different than feeling like you could possibly be much happier with something better. Make decisions carefully, and acknowledge your feelings rather than others' perceptions of your decisions.
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Posted by S Fri May 23, 2008 7:13pm PDT
What you've said here is very true. I just recently decided I've had enough with the third guy I've dated in seven months. I was beginning to believe that the problem is not them but me. I'm too picky and impatient. You've just reconfirmed that it's okay to have standards and when you know something is not a fit for you, it's okay to not waste anymore time in the situation. I've always believed that if I waste my time with Mr. I Know Won't Work, then I'll miss Mr. Right For Me. Thanks!
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Posted by bluesky Fri May 23, 2008 7:47pm PDT
I believe that you just don't find the right for you yet
when that person arrive all that anxieties will vanish
Had hope and keep it up
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Posted by VICKIW Fri May 23, 2008 9:36pm PDT
IT TAKES TIME DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS DO NOT BE PUSHY WITH ANY ONE ,
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Posted by Ellamella Fri May 23, 2008 9:56pm PDT
Commitmentphobia is a very complex issue. Best worked on with a good psychotherapist. A lot of commitment phobics follow many of the same patterns in life, and also have had similar childhood experiences. Find someone to talk to! It's not a mental problem but since it is impacting your life it is finally time to take action. Good luck!!!
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Posted by GuessM Sun May 25, 2008 2:42am PDT
be in touch with me ssme007@yahoo.com
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Posted by red devil Mon May 26, 2008 12:54am PDT
I agree that commitmentphobia is a very complex issue. Will it ever healed mentally and physically? Even though i am in a relationship now, since getting divorced 3 years ago, i still have the fear to commit. The tears still come at night. The fear of loneliness is still there. The fear of getting cheated again is still there.
Keep up your spirits and good luck!!
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