Love + Sex
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Why do we end up with the wrong partners?
Here we go...
So to give you a little insight into my life, I am 30 yr old single father of 4. Things never really worked out with the mother of my kids and at this point in time I can't really imagine what I ever saw in her. I am single and have been for about 5 years. I am single by choice and I really do enjoy being this way.
I have friends that are married and maybe out of 15 couples, 1 is happy. I hear non stop from my female friends that their husband's degrade them and even sometimes are a "touch" physically abusive. All of these couples have children and make the case that they want to raise their children with both parents. This itself is idiotic because their children are learning what constitutes a relationship by what they are exposed to, so if the mother is overly submissive or if the father demeans the wife then guess what? Yes that's correct, your sons will grow up like their fathers and your daughters will grow up like their mothers. I know that in any relationship it has problems and that you have to work hard to make it work, but when do you draw the line? I know it takes strength to make a relationship work and these women, and even men in some cases, are mistakingly thinking they are being strong when they are really being weak. We often play mind games with ourselves and whatever we can make ourselves believe is reality. Reality of it though, true strength is standing up for yourself and for your children. I think it's much better to raise your children separately in a good loving environment rather than subject them hateful comments and arguments between their 2 creators.
So overall my question is...Why do you all put up with it? I don't understand. Is this something genetically predisposed by what you saw from your parents? Or does this go back to caveman days when you all were chosen by the "club to the head" method? lol...Does it have something to do with the alpha male and being lured to that type? I really want to know because I'm confused by this....Why do you women who are physically abused even ONE TIME ever go back?
Related: marriage, infidelity, domestic violence, cheating, bad relationship, affair, abusive man
-
Posted by lucys10492 Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:09am PDT
From my persoanl experience, soemtime you just dont have options. I was married for 13 years, was miserable for about 12 of those years. I though my only way out would be to go on welfare. He had 3 small children when we got married and we had two more. Fortunatley for me and the kids he was heading doena bad road and that was all it took for me to show him the door. Luckily I have a great job now and never had to go on welfare and am trying to raise 5 children(yes I have them all) on one income and keep sane, and enjoy a persanl life as well. Ther are a lot of extenuating circumstances why we just cant up and leave. If my husband was into the bad things he is doing, I porbably would still be with im, I just didnt have the guts to break up my family.
Report Abuse
-
-
Posted by springtime Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:03am PDT
I also know marriages just hanging on by a thread. For many women.. and some men.. the fear of being alone and failing is even more terrifying than staying with the village idiot. Especially when children are involved.
The reality is too often people marry when the dew is still on the rose. When a friend of mine divorced, I asked if he would be okay. He said, " I'll bounce back, but now that I look back at the relationship, I realize she was a great date but a lousy wife and mother".
Sometimes, I believe there should be a year long waiting period before marriage. And let's ban those movies where the Prince just appears on the white horse and all of a sudden, fair maiden's problems are solved forever. Young girls do sometimes buy into that manure.
Report Abuse
-
Posted by phebes_mom Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:07am PDT
So I was married for only 2 years, in that time we had a daughter. My ex was so abusive and I stayed because I was convinced he had to love me.
When our daughter was 8 months old he beat her. I could hear him hitting her from 3 rooms away and the room he was in had the door closed. I ran back and he headed me off and told me not to bother her cause she was quiet and was probably sleeping. I went in anyway, thank God that ultimately she was fine. However my 8 month old Daughter was sitting up in her crib crying tears but not making a noise. Obviously unknown to me he had done this before and she was scared to death to cry. After this incident I tried to call the cops and get away. He ripped all the phone chords out of the wall and broke the cordless phone. He held us hostage in our house until Monday he had to go to work. I pretended to be still in love with him and he thought he still had control over me. Till I had him arrested at work by the MP's in front of his chain of command (he was a marine).
As soon as I could I moved out of CA and took my daughter with me. She's now 4 amazingly happy and doesn't remember a bit of him. He hasn't seen her since she was 8 months old. It disgusts the heck out of me now. I wasn't strong then like I am now. Sometimes the men we think we love beat us down till we can't move. However, don't ever touch my baby girl.
Report Abuse
-
Posted by Captivatingallure Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:17am PDT
I can't speak for anybody but myself but I for one have never stayed in an abusive relationship nor would I. I was raised knowing that I am worth more then that and that I can have any man that I want so I do not need one that mistreats me. Now that may sound big headed but it's not meant to be in any way. I just know my value and am not going to let anybody else make me feel differently. I found my better half 8 years ago and he would never mistreat me. I only hope that everyone else can find theirs. =)
Report Abuse
-
Posted by queenyvix99 Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:18am PDT
I have never been married but I have been in a few long term relationships. They didnt work out because I think that we have people in our life for reasons and seasons. I think that love can cloud our judgement and what should have been a season becomes a reason. I guess what I am trying to say is that. We as people get hung up on the every day life things and we start taking each other for granted. I think that it is very important to take time out of our lives and learn to apprciate each other, what made you fall in love the at first could very well help you rekindle your relationship.
As far as women going back to their abusers, I think that it becomes an addiction. You are so caught up in it that you dont have the will power/strenght to leave. Its the attention that is wanted. It is negitive but, if that is all you are used to, that is what you will seek out.
Report Abuse
-
Posted by DimplesDee Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:25am PDT
I was just having this same conversation with a friend of mine last night. She is also staying with a man that treats her like crap and hits her. I just want to first say that I have known her for 24 of my 29 years of life and her mother used to be in the same types of relationships. When I asked her why she is staying with him the only answer she could give me was, she can't do it by herself or that he loved her. I really do believe that children especailly girls follow the pattern of their mothers when they grow-up. They grow-up thinking that is a mans way of showing affection. Me personally, i have never been in that type of relationship, but when I was with my kids father. I decided to call it quits because we argued to much and I did want my kids to have to go through that on a daily basis. And because of that my kids are happier, I am happier and now me and their dad are actually friends. We get along much better now than we did when we were in a relationship.
Report Abuse
-
Posted by nalani422 Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:41am PDT
First of all, the last question that you asked about women who are abused, going back to their abuser. There is a psycological hold that these abusers have over "thier" women. She thinks (and I speack from experience) that she is worthless because thats what she hears. She feels that he is better than her and it makes him feel more powerful which in the end makes things worse for her. She can't just walk out and leave. It takes time and balls to do it. When they finally do it makes her stronger.
Report Abuse
-
Posted by Single Again Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:41am PDT
So as most women I too have been in this position and have recently asked myself this question. What does make us stay? In the past the X had told me that to be strong was to work on it and ride it out (ride or die so to say). I do believe there are things that couples can work out but then there are things that signal it's time to move on...I am struggling now to find the tru meaning of love ( I love being single) but I want to know if there is that fairy tale ending, or something even close to it. Something that makes me happy..not that I'm not happy now just that LOVE is supposed to be something you loook forward to being in and as of right now I could care less to ever even think about it :) Thanks for the chance to vent about a topic that is so close to home
Report Abuse
-
Posted by Cynthia Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:42am PDT
I have never been married but was in a committed relationship for 2 years. I agree why do people stay? I can't say i am out of it but i'm trying really hard. We got into a fight like 2 days ago, so thats why this blog caught my attention. We both were wrong but it doesn't mean either of us should stay. I too don't know what i ever saw in him, he was everything I didn't and would ever want. And its really hard because we get used to someone and want someone to change, but truth of it all I can't help him change. So I have to move on. But i feel every thing that people are saying, which is basically its wrong. So this is really helping me to stay strong. Thanks!
Peace & Love.
Report Abuse
