From “women are always ready” to “foreplay isn’t necessary” … bad lessons from the porn industry
By Charles J. Orlando, BettyConfidential.com
Over this past weekend, I got into a discussion with friends that (inevitably) led to sex and pornography, and it all boiled down to two questions: Is porn a good thing, or a bad thing? And ... what does it do for our sex lives?
Firstly, let's acknowledge that pornography can be good for some people. Couples going through a hard time sexually are often prescribed pornography as a way of reengaging and rejuvenating their sex lives. And some people are voyeuristic, and get turned on watching others. But if your guy thinks that the reel-life he’s seeing should be anything like your real-life in the bedroom, then there’s a problem. Here’s why:
Porn. Is. Fake.
Once you strip away the facade of overacted orgasms, bulging biceps and silicone implants, you can remember that there is a crew of 10-15 people on the set — and from that simple fact, the fakery is obvious. These are people getting paid to perform a job ... and it's no different than any other form of entertainment. The question is: Does your guy believe that it's real?
As an analogy, some WWE fans allow themselves to believe the "wrestling" they are watching is real, too, but the key difference is that most wrestling fans — even if they think wrestling is real — won't try performing a pile-driver on their friends. And that's where porn seems to be different.
"My [sexual partner] will love this, because those porn starlets love it."
Last weekend one of my friends looked at me completely serious, eyes burning, and said, with much conviction (and volume):
"F**K porn, Charles. Period. I mean, who told men that I like it when they ... " [she then takes two fingers and pounds violently on the table with them] on my clit!?"
We all laughed hysterically, but it was then that I truly understood how the porn industry is teaching its target market (read: men) all the wrong things, creating a huge disconnect with what men expect in bed.
Here are 6 bad lessons from the porn industry:
1. Women are always ready. Porn is flawed right from the time you hit Play on the DVD player. While there are women who are ready for sex at the drop of a hat, most require some kind of effort besides eloquent, smooth lines like, "You ready?" or "How about some?" Do men really think that a line like "Wanna bump uglies?" is going to get them in the mood? It’s going to take a little more than that to get a woman to relax enough to forget about work stress, money worries, the kids, boring chores and everything else that is preying on her mind.
2. All women want to do anything to/for the man, while he provides a bare minimum. This is highlighted in every movie and in every scene. 99 percent of sex scenes start with .... (wait for it) ... a ----- . Of course ... because she's been sitting around all day just waiting to perform that act.
3. Foreplay is not necessary. No need for all that pesky foreplay — kissing is overrated, ambiance is unnecessary, creating any kind of a mood is just a waste of time. Just give it to me now! Sometimes a quickie is just what a woman wants, but every time? No way!
4. Everything on a woman is ... uh ... "accessible"... and she wants you to do whatever you want to her body. Yeah, right. Sure. Women want no ambience, no foreplay, no attraction to their partners, and no privacy as a man inserts his various extremities and pounds every possible bodily opening (perhaps without any lubrication). Puh-leaze.
5. Nipples are there specifically for men to abuse. In porn land, pounding, pulling, pinching, twisting and prodding obsessively — with ever-increasing intensity — on the most sensitive of a woman's body parts will earn men extra points. Can we please acknowledge that there is a real difference between aggressive sex and clumsy, seventh-grade experimentation? Some women are into pain and kink ... but not all. (A clearer definition: Erotic might be a feather ... Kinky is the whole chicken.)
6. All women are naturally attracted to other women. Ah yes ... the Holy Grail of sex for men: The threesome. There’s nothing wrong if she's into it, but you won’t catch most women hanging out a with a friend, dressed as secretaries (or school girls, or teachers, or bikini-wearing “housewives”) with blue eye shadow and sticky red lip gloss, waiting for the guy to come home (or knock on the door with a pizza delivery) so they can do him together.
These examples showcase the massive disconnect between what most women really want, and what men are being exposed to on a constant basis. If men are being turned on by an ever-increasing selfishness in bed, it’s no wonder sex lives are suffering (which I’m not just assuming … I’ve been told). I'm not suggesting that sex needs to be candles, soft music and aromatherapy every time, but assuming all women want these things is B.S.; there's just no other term for it. And I'm also not suggesting that men should be doing all the work to create the mood, but I would suggest that there are rewards to be reaped for reading the scene, creating the right environment, and moving slowly ... ending in a fever pitch.
Seduction is not over-rated … and it starts way before you enter the bedroom.
Ladies: See that little email to a friend icon below? You know what to do – and who to send this to!
Charles Orlando is a life coach and the author of "The Problem with Women... is Men: The Evolution of a Man's Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness". When he's not cooking breakfast-in-bed for his wife or playing Guitar Hero with his kids, he can be found blogging at theproblemismen.com.
Read more about porn from BettyConfidential.com: The Truth About Porn and He Likes Porn More Than Me
