Here's your weekly star-stuffing from EM & LO:
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Move on, loser. S/he's never coming back. That's what you
get for burning the turkey last year.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Check your motives when it comes to love. If you're in it for
the stuffing, maybe it's time to reevaluate your
priorities.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know how after five hours of preparation, as you get closer to
sit-down time, things start to move really quickly in the kitchen
and timing is everything? If you don't pay enough attention to
the crescent rolls, they'll come out burned; if you don't
baste the turkey with love, it will be dry; and if you set out the
cranberry sauce too soon, it will develop a thin, nasty crust. You
have to act fast and stay calm if you want the fruits of your labor
to be tasty. If you haven't figured it out by now, this is a
metaphor.
More...
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can have it all if you follow the savory smells of sex and unbuckle your pants to make room. This bounty is yours to devour.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Say what's on your mind. If you're a vegetarian, don't
eat the meat just to be polite. Because then you might throw up and
that's not polite either.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can't rush a relationship anymore than you can rush the
cooking of a turkey (unless you deep-fry it, and that's plain
gross). Slow down and take time to stop and smell the turkey.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Take action and you'll receive the kind of love you're
looking for. If you take time to talk, all will be lost this week.
i.e., play Pictionary instead of Balderdash.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Face it, you're never going to impress your partner with your
cooking skills. Focus instead on what they love you for (money,
fame, sex, season tickets to the Knicks, etc.).
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You're still living in the past and that won't help you
find love. This Thanksgiving, don't spend the weekend moping
over old photos and third-grade love letters. Get out and mingle
with the locals. We're sure there's someone your mother has
been dying to set you up with: What have you got to lose?
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You're so hot this week you sizzle like a giant Butter Ball.
Telephone the person that you've been admiring and let him or
her know that you're interested. But don't call Thursday
and disturb their Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until Friday. Friday is
a good day.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You don't need to settle for someone who is still committed to
someone else. No one gets two turkey dinners. Make sure they get a
plate of mashed potatoes in the face if they try.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We don't have many golden rules (and we often break them if the
stars are insistent enough) but we have yet to meet anyone who was
successfully set up on a blind date by a member of their family.
Have you? Remember the sweater your aunt gave you on your birthday
-- you want that person picking out a partner for you? We thought
not. A family member may try to coerce you into giving love a
chance this week (and no, we don't mean in any incestuous way,
sickos); tell them (very nicely) that you're all set for
now.
- 10 Ways to Impress Your Partner's Parents This Thanksgiving
- Why Didn't He Invite Me to Thanksgiving?
- Twilight,
Take Me Away!
