Tuesday, February 9, 2010

What not to say: Avoid these common conversational pitfalls

Greg Clarke

Greg Clarke

What Not to Say About Someone's Appearance


Don’t say: “You look tired.”
Why: It implies she doesn’t look good.
Instead say: “Is everything OK?” We often blurt the “tired” comment when we get the sense that the other person feels out of sorts. So just ask.

Don’t say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Why: To a newly trim person, it might give the impression that she used to look unattractive.
Instead say: “You look fantastic.” And leave it at that. If you’re curious about how she got so svelte, add, “What’s your secret?”

Don’t say:
“You look good for your age.”
Why: Anything with a caveat like this is rude. It's saying, "You look great―compared with other old people. It's amazing you have all your own teeth."
Instead say: “You look great.”

Don’t say: “I could never wear that.”
Why: It can be misunderstood as a criticism. (“I could never wear that because it’s so ugly.”)
Instead say: “You look so good in skinny jeans.” If you slip, say something like “I could never wear that…because I wasn’t blessed with your long legs.” Follow these tips to shop smart for your own body type.


Expert advice from Clinton Kelly, cohost of the TLC show, What Not to Wear.


What Not to Say in the Workplace

Don’t say: “That’s not my job.”
Why: If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.
Instead say: “I’m not sure that should be my priority right now.” Then have a conversation with your boss about your responsibilities. In the past year, the rules of the workplace have changed. Learn how to shine at work in the new economy.

Don’t say: “This might sound stupid, but…”
Why: Never undermine your ideas by prefacing your remarks with wishy-washy language.
Instead say: What’s on your mind. It reinforces your credibility to present your ideas with confidence.

Don’t say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Why: It’s plain rude, in person or on the phone.
Instead say: “I’m just finishing something up right now. Can I come by when I’m done?” Graciously explain why you can’t talk now, and suggest catching up at an appointed time later. Let phone calls go to voice mail until you can give callers your undivided attention.

Expert advice from Suzanne Bates, president and chief executive officer of Bates Communications, an executive-training firm in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and author of Speak Like a CEO.

Keep reading: What not to say

Related:

Easy Ways to Exit Awkward Situations

Everyday Etiquette for Public-Place Situations

How Do I Tell My Boss About Her Body Odor?
Syndication:

From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 117
  • Mo B's Avatar
    Posted by Mo B Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:24am PDT

    Sounds like these are things you shouldn't say to a very self concious person, I mean I've lost a lot of weight recently and it feels great when someone notices why woul dyou feel like you looked horrible before unless you really did, which means you have your own issues to do deal with and it has nothing to do with the person making the statement.

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  • cortney's Avatar
    Posted by cortney Mon Aug 24, 2009 1:54pm PDT

    I think we should stop with the "what not to say" unless its in a formal setting or for a job. Based on amr1248 and what I've known from others, it's best to be honest. Telling someone they look tired will let them know they look tired and maybe they need totalk about what's going on or realize they NEED to take a break and get more rest.

    Everyone should focus on being honest with each other, they way there are no misconceptions are false pretentions of people. That's how you get people walking on eggshells around you and then when they need to discuss something, they don't know how to approach you.

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  • Rebekah's Avatar
    Posted by Rebekah Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:20am PDT

    I agree with the “This might sound stupid, but…” one. I had to break myself of the habit of presenting ideas in a hesitant manner, because if I introduced an idea hesitantly, like I didn't believe in it, no one else did either. If you really think it's a stupid idea, then keep it to yourself (unless there are absolutely no other ideas). If you think it's a good idea, present it as such.

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  • BryanT's Avatar
    Posted by BryanT Tue Aug 25, 2009 9:17am PDT

    Number 2 is just fine, mostly because people DON'T look good when they are overweight. The sooner the citizens of this country get that through their heads, the better. The days of " I'm fat and there is nothing wrong with that" need to come to an end, there IS something wrong with being fat!!!!

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  • anh's Avatar
    Posted by anh Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:09am PDT

    A remark that satisfies your curiosity regardless of how it affects the recipient is rude. For example, asking a person with a disability how it 'got there' does nothing for the person with the disability--unless they want to talk about it. Such questions just make the person asked feel like they are somehow not able to just exist like anybody else--really, if a person has a large nose, why question it? Why not just accept it as part of that person, like any part of your body? Would YOU want to be treated that way yourself? I always reply "I don't think that's necessary" or "What kind of a question is that?" At least it gives the questioner something to think about.

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  • Ana Caterina's Avatar
    Posted by Ana Caterina Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:28am PDT

    I'd actually prefer to be told that I look tired so I can at least put some make-up on to cover it up. What if that woman (assuming we're talking about a woman) has a date right after meeting with you? She'd probably want to look her best and tired is no one's best. Sugar coating is no help in that situation.

    Also, as someone who's lost a noticeable amount of weight at some point in my life, I can say I'm flattered when someone notices and comments on it.

    The ''I could never wear that'' confuses me a bit. Is it implied that you couldn't wear that because it's bad or because it wouldn't fit on you or is it just a nice way of saying that it doesn't fit on that person either? If someone's wearing something that's unsightly or ill-fitting, isn't it better to tell them honestly than to let them walk around like that? Of course, if you're saying that to someone, you ought to have at least a certain degree of confidentiality with them, but still.

    And what exactly is wrong with ''That's not my job''? As a waitress, I'm supposed to wait on customers, bring their orders, clean the tables and wash the glasses after the customers are gone and keep the bar clean. Suppose my boss asked me to go clean the bathrooms, you're saying I should do it?

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  • Koko's Avatar
    Posted by Koko Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:18am PDT

    i really like this topic it is amazing

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  • Debborah J's Avatar
    Posted by Debborah J Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:45am PDT

    I liked this topic. To bad Weaserdog, hates fat people. We are quite nice once you get to know us.

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  • HawkeyeGirl's Avatar
    Posted by HawkeyeGirl Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:30pm PDT

    I think weight comments are great amongst friends, but completely inappropriate in the workplace, even if you are trying to be complimentary.

    For example, when I was in college my best friend noticed that I was losing way too much weight and made me go to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. He knew my eating habits and noticed that mine had gotten completely out of whack even when I couldn't see it.

    On the other hand, I commented to a secretary in another department at work that I only knew in passing that she had really slimmed down and applauded her efforts. It turns out she had lung cancer and the chemotherapy had made her lose weight. Whoops!

    Obviously everyone should strive to be a healthy weight and support from friends and family is great. Comments about weight are unprofessional though, and don't belong in the workplace.

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  • Frantastic's Avatar
    Posted by Frantastic Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:41pm PDT

    On the movie step mom, with susan sarandon and julia roberts, julia asks her if she is feeling well, that she looks a little tired. And susan says that's just a nice way for people to say you look like crap. I mean obviously the character was diagnosed with cancer. i would want someone to tell me if I looked like crap. I guess? or atleast let me know if I look bad. I think women secretly like to ridicule or set each other up. if someone's slip is showing or if they have something on them. Once this young lady I was working with had on this blouse that exposed her cleavege. We worked at a bank on the teller line. she had been walking around already before we opened. No one said anything. I politely pulled her to the side and told her the blouse was inappropriate. She looked down and was like omg. i didn't realize it came down this far. thank you. So there is a way of doing things. I wasn't nasty or call her out openly, but she was greatful.

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Comments 1-10 of 117

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