When did a hairy lip become the sight gag equivalent of the "Take my wife" joke? Repetition has rendered it totally unfunny. The irony? Deader than a gray hair. And what's worse, it's made a mockery of everything the mustache represents: unapologetic butch. Regardless of sexual orientation, (from Burt to the Village People) the look signaled spiked testosterone levels and untamed bedroom stallion-ism. The post-millennial reincarnation mocks the message and the men who invented it. Self-deprecation fuels male mojo these days. Even former muscle man Mark Wahlberg, who years ago stood straight-faced, shirtless with his pants down, is turning to comedy to round out his career.
That's because men aren't allowed to be macho -- without a wink. They can't look you in the eye and say they'll rock your world, without following up with a 'just kidding.' Know who could? This guy on the right. He could also pull off a handlebar without so much as a smirk. It's not an easy thing to pull off and if I were a guy (with an intentional and moderately fuller) mustache, I'm sure I couldn't pull it off either. But if you're going to grow it, show it like a man. Leave the tickled-pink twinkle at home but don't act like you forgot your follicular accomplishment. Yeah, it's there. You're a man. You don't have to apologize for bursting with bristles. You've got the soul of a walrus, the shell of a --. Oh forget it, those days are done.