Wow. Wow. Wow. Last night's ANTM may have been my favorite episode (of my favorite show) of all time. It contained each and every element that makes the program fascinating:
- A medical emergency (Lauren cut off the top of her thumb!)
- An abusive photo shoot (this time, the girls had to stand outside for hours in the freezing, windy New York winter)
- An overly-dramatized scandal (Fatima doesn't have a green card! How could she go on to the secret, international location?)
- Judges infighting
- Extra-evil, scolding Tyra
- A contestant upset
So, things started out with everyone mourning/feeling secretly happy about Claire getting kicked off the week before. (Incidentally I SAW CLAIRE on the street on Monday, by Penn Station, walking with her husband and holding her baby. Her husband looked kind of sketchy and actually, in person, so did she. I kind of feel like something shady went on with her elimination. Like ANTM thought she was not squeaky clean enough to be, you know, an ANTM. This is obviously only speculation, but...wasn't it a bit odd how pretty, perfect Claire got kicked off after tons of great photos and after being the Cover Girl of the Week like 8 times in a row; especially since they continue to PRAISE fug, fug, fug Dominique? But I digress.) Anyway, Whitney had so much airtime within the first 18 minutes of the show that I was sure Episode 9 was the plus-sized star's swan song.
But wait! Fatima might have to leave! She's not a citizen of the US! She lost her green card! Oh no!
And then: Blood everywhere! Lauren rushed to the hospital!
Next there was a big, fancy event (brought to you by 7-UP), where the girls wore dresses by designer Jay Godfrey. The challenge was to present yourself to reporters on the red carpet (Dominique said she was wearing a dress by "Jay Giorgio"), mingle in the "glamorous" party and impress the guests with your charisma and poise. Let me first say that this was the lamest event I have ever seen televised. I mean, ANTM has had 50 Cent attend one of its parties (though I think he may have thrown a model in the pool). Could they not attract anyone better than Ric Ocasek (Paulina Porizkova's husband) and Jaslene?
Anya won the challenge. Whitney called Anya "Not the brightest star in the sky."
This cracked me up.
Anya's prize is yet another naked photo shoot (this time for 7-UP, where she was covered provocatively in lemons and limes). For this, Anya received a LInda Evangelista-style wage of $10,000. OMG.
After the lemon-lime 10 G's situation, the show took off at breakneck speed. Tyra Mail came in, the girls had to pack, they thought they were getting right on a plane but instead they were doing a "jet setter" photo shoot next to a plane. Fatima had to go to the consulate and miss the shoot. Judging was-with the models still in costume and makeup-right at the airport!
The whole cast was there-both Jays, Nigel, Paulina and Tyra (who had a rather large, uncoverable growth on her right cheek. I suspect this is why there were absolutely no gratuitous close-ups of "modeling with your eyes" throughout the entire show). And things got especially mean and tense. Stacey Ann was called fake and told she had a big jaw. Whitney was called fake and told she seemed like a Miss America contestant. Ms. Jay mocked Dominique by speaking in a drag queen voice. Tyra told Dominique she had to stop doing the "booty-tooch," whatever the heck that means. Tyra suggested that Whitney and Stacey Ann need to find the "realness." Um, I don't know whether to laugh or cry about this.
Then it came to poor Fatima who had no photo. Tyra said to her: "All the other girls are gorgeous and dolled up, but you're not." And, in a b*tchy, sing-songy voice, "Normally I would call the next girl now, but you don't have a photo do you?"
Let me pause here and say this Fatima not-having-papers/almost-losing-the-competition business was the fishiest fish in Fishtown. Really? You mean this stuff just pops up? Like no one asks these girls if they have passports before they start the show? There's no contract with a mention of travel? I call bullsh*t.
Anyway, not surprisingly, Fatima lived to see another ANTM day, actually a day in Rome! Where the girls are going! First, though Tyra had to break the news to Stacey Ann, who just needs to learn to "find her angles." That, presumably, or find a new jaw.
In the end, the judges boarded a private plane and Tyra said to the contestants, "Have fun on your commercial flight!"
And on last night's America's Top Model...the girls drink 40s!