The Shine guide to terrible Valentine's Day gifts (a cautionary tale)

Oh, Valentine's Day. We want to embrace you, but you make it so darn hard. Everything surrounding you kind of says, "stuff you don't need" and we're in a recession! Also, honestly, how can you expect us to ponder genuine romance when, for weeks, you turn our drugstore and supermarket aisles tacky crimson and Pepto-colored, fill them with cupids, arrows, and hearts, and basically yell, "Don't you have someone to wuv? Wouldn't they like a lil' present?"
Valentine's Day, sometimes you just make us cringe.

But it doesn't have to be that way. February 14th can be meaningful, we're certain, we all just need to band together and take it back. Let's start here: Avoid these bad gifts and you'll do right by your mate, your God, and society at large.



1. Roses
The price of this flower of love (or a dozen of it) nearly triples around February 14th, and it seems foolish to spend a bundle on something that's going to die, or at least seriously wilt, in just a few days. But, hey, if you really have your heart (heh) set on these live versions, by all means. Our larger issue is with the following:
a. Candy Roses
b. Rose Candles
c. Roses and teddy bears, together, in any combination
d. Roses shaped out of of "sexy" underwear
e. Silk roses, roses that light up, roses that play music, fake roses under glass (you get our point).









2. Joke Items
Maybe there's a woman out there who would seriously find a gift like this fake engagement ring mug hilarious, but she and I have never met. Here's a rule of thumb, significant others: Don't make fun of us with your gift. If you do, make absolute sure that we're in on the joke and it's not some weird passive aggressive way to tell us about a part of our personalities you don't like. For example, when you know we'd really like to get married and you, well, you're not ready, and isn't the whole thing hilarious? Um, no, not so much. This also goes for any jokey item that mentions P.M.S.

3. Pillow novelty items
Right now you're thinking, "What is this writer talking about? Who would even buy such a thing?" Allow me to direct your attention to two specific examples, which are offensive just by their existence:

a. The Boyfriend Pillow
This is a cushion that's shaped like half of man's body, it wears a button-down chambray shirt and even comes with a stuffed arm. Take a gander at the picture, I think you'll understand.

b. Personalized pillow cases
Remember in that Judd Apatow show "Undeclared" when Jason Segal gave his girlfriend a pillow case with a blown up picture of his sleeping face below the words "Dreaming of You"? Don't do that. Actually, don't give us anything with your face on it.





4. Baby talk anything

If you're old enough to be dating or married to us, we usually find anything "wuv" oriented pretty yucky-wucky. Apply this to the bedroom, too, FYI.











5. Cheesy/ suggestive gifts
T-shirt by Every Little Counts on etsy.com
This is a family blog, so it's difficult to describe exactly what I'm talking about, but most of it would involve skimpy costumes made from highly flammable material, chocolate sculpted into body parts, "The Dummies" guide to anything intimate, or most things from the roped-off section of Spencer Gifts. We're not suggesting you count out the sweet or flirty or gifts that suit your relationship, just those that your partner would never ever want, and feels a little weird receiving.