When I first met my husband, he told me that I had to pass two important tests: the "dog test" and the "friend test." He jokingly explained that his dogs and his friends were excellent judges of character. It was his way of saying he'd love for me to meet his pets and his friends, but there was a truth to his words and I knew that I had to make a positive impression on his friends.
Passing the "dog test" was pretty easy -- I like dogs, and they love me! Once that was out of the way, it was up to me to feel accepted among my boyfriend's group of friends.
Male friends
If your boyfriend's male friends are decent friends, they're mostly just going to be looking out for your friend's interest. Usually males are less concerned or aware than females concerning social dynamics, but they'll want someone who can get along with the group of friends, too. Generally, your boyfriend's male friends will want someone who:
- Treats their friend well
- Avoids starting drama
- Makes them feel comfortable
While I don't share the same interests as all of my husband's friends, I generally get along well with most of them. I find that it works best to go on double dates or group outings with the male friends to get to know them better.
I respect that my husband sometimes wants guy time, just like I want to go out and scrapbook with my own best friend. Occasionally he'll hang out with a friend and play some video games or see an action movie.
Similarly, my husband's male friends respect our marriage (and years before that, our new relationship). Since we don't interfere in each other's business, there aren't any conflicts and I am glad to call many of them friends of my own as well.
Female friends
Female friends are complicated. In a close-knit group of friends, they fall into several categories:
- The alpha female. This socially aware dominant female maintains order of the social group. Furthermore, she feels like "her guys" (and she will often refer to them as "hers") should only be with females who her earn her approval. This often occurs unbeknownst to males.
- Friend to all. This female likes peace and order in the group. If you're genuinely interested in sharing a functional, no-ulterior-motives friendship with your boyfriend's group of friends, start with this one. She'll be more than happy to include you in activities and you'll probably get a Facebook friend request from her just after you meet.
- Group mom. The group mom could be the alpha female or working directly under her guidance. Generally this woman may be older (in age or experience) than the others and feels the need to watch over everyone in the group -- including your guy -- like a mother would watch out for her kids. She likes to cook for everyone and always has Tylenol or Band-Aids in her bag.
It's easy to befriend "the friend to all" and set limits with the "group mom," but dealing with the alpha is tough. Married or not, she thinks she's got some sort of pertinent connection to your boyfriend's happiness.
The best way to deal with the alpha female is to cut her out of the equation. Communicate directly with your boyfriend and make him aware of the social dynamics -- most guys are usually clueless!
With my husband, we worked together to understand the group dynamic and support each other, which strengthened our relationship.
More from Tara M. Clapper:
Will Getting Married Kill My Social Life?
How to Cope with Friendships During a Divorce in Your Twenties
Three Travel Tips for Couples: Avoiding Fights While on Vacation
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