I try to heed as many warnings as possible, which probably makes me awesomely fun to be around. What's worse is the guilt I feel when I do something that I know I shouldn't like say, have an ice cold artificial flavored sugar packed Coke, use non natural cleaning products with bleach, remember that I forgot to put on sunblock and let it go. And then a guy gets sucked out of his bedroom by a sinkhole and I realize it may be time to lighten up a bit ... certainly drop the self induced guilt over not worrying enough.
My friends and I have a running joke where we make fun of how neurotic we must sound when we warn each other about every little thing, so we make the effects sound overly alarmist (to keep a sense of humor about it all).
It truly helps. So, in that vain, I've compiled a list of actual things that can harm you. Take 'em or leave 'em, just don't quote me on the effects.
Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being overly conscientious and it will also give you smallpox…
1. Don't get new carpets - they have toxins like petroleum, and VOCs which can cause you to lose arguments with your spouse.
2. Write everything by hand - laser printers emit particles that promote lung disease and may give you "the clap".
3. Never write anything by hand it causes carpal tunnel syndrome and makes your teeth crooked.
4. Don't use fabric softener, it's toxic and makes you crave bubble baths and long walks on the beach.
5. Avoid all bottles with BPA they interfere with your hormones and your ability to solve complex math equations.
6. Don't eat anything off your kids plates, you'll get heart disease and a toy prize.
7. Ladies must work-out one hour per day after 35 or you'll gain a pound per year and lose at Bunco.
8. Non-stick pans will kill your bird and give you bird flu.
9. Don't drink OJ unless you squeeze it yourself, it's been irradiated. I don't know what that does but it will probably turn you into a super villain whose Achilles heel is juice boxes.
10. Don't wear lipstick, it contains lead which is toxic and probably causes rickets.
11. Don't eat things from a can they have carcinogenic BPAs which will make you want to impersonate Ethel Merman.
12. Don't eat things from a farm they have pesticides which will give you diarrhea and x-ray vision.
13. Don't eat things from a store they have preservatives which will make you sick and make your dog hate you.
14. Just don't eat period! But don't drink either, that's been linked to liver disease, obesity and beer goggles.
15. Don't get near any of these things, they're said to be carcinogenic and may give you soap opera style amnesia: Sharpies, plastic-ware with the numbers 3, 4, and 7, microwaved Styrofoam or plastic containers, and pretty much anything you can buy, smell, eat, or see.
16. Don't be healthy, fish oil probably has heavy metals, which means Ozzy Osbourne will come to your house and bite off your head.
17. Have a date night once a week or your marriage will fail and you'll become a cannibal.
18. I took one out because I heard that reading lists that go to 19 can be lethal. You're welcome.
Whatever you do, don't stress over this list or anything else for that matter, because stress is linked to like every bad thing out there from wrinkles to heart attacks to an inability to figure out the tip after dinner.
Or, screw it -- even if you heed all the warnings and read all the labels you can still get siphoned from your bedroom in the middle of a Rachel Zoe marathon.
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Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.