7 Mantras to Live Your Life By

Stock PhotoEveryone has their own ways of finding happiness. But I think the key to being happy, no matter the life circumstances, is actually thinking about it: what makes YOU happy? What does happy even look like for you? Are you sure about that?

I've been doing A LOT of thinking about this recently. After losing a child, particularly in a way for which I blame myself, I have really questioned my whole reality. When a child dies, everything in your life that you thought you were doing right or at least sort of right now looks questionable, and the things that once seemed dependable, sure and solid become scary.

So I have recently decided to stop battling the uncertainty of happiness and lean into it instead, giving my entire life a Socratic once-over, a critical review. One of the first questions I have been asking myself is what happiness looks like to me. I am not talking about the fleeting, euphoric happiness that pretty much anyone can achieve, but instead the kind of day to day, lifelong sense of general well-being and satisfaction that says a "life well lived" to me.

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For me, it means a healthy family, a strong marriage, interesting work that supports us financially without too much stress, a welcoming and cozy home, and the ability to make a positive, real difference in the world. That's what happy looks like to me.

As part of my current life review exercise, I just re-read Gretchen Rubin's bestseller, "The Happiness Project," and I have been trying some of her exercises and tools for identifying and practicing happiness enhancing actions. One of the first things she recommends is drafting your own "Happiness Manifesto," in which you start by coming up with your own "Happiness Commandments."

I've been working on my own list for over a week now, and I think I have them where I want them - for the moment anyway, and I thought I would share. So here goes. Be gentle with me, folks:

1. You Can't Always Get What You Want
This is a biggie around our house, where many a whining child has heard me ask, "Now what does Mick Jagger say?" (They all know the answer, even when they don't want to hear it.) I am still struggling with the fact that I had the ultimate "can't always get what you want" life experience in the death of my child. I wanted him to be okay and to get well. But he didn't. Because you can't always get what you want.

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2. Work When You're Working, and Play When You're Playing
I am the ultimate multitasker, and my netbook, iPhone and iPad have made it even more possible to mix up my work and my play. But as time has gone on, I have realized that my work is suffering and my play has become non-existent. Now I am reminding myself to set clearer boundaries around work and play, with each getting my full attention when I am "there," and no mixing them up.

3. They Can't Eat You
This is something my mother and father always used to say about life in general. It's another way of asking the question, "What's the worse that could happen?" It helps to put things in perspective, and now that the worst HAS happened to me, this happiness truth has even more impact for me when I am considering my actions, time, energy and interests.

4. There's No Money Unless You Go Earn Some
After my divorce became final in 2004 - after 14 years of marriage and 2 years of separation - I was seriously, SERIOUSLY broke. And I hated it. It was exhausting and disempowering. I've always been a hard worker, but since that time I have become increasingly comfortable making my ability to earn $$$ to support myelf and my family a priority on a day to day basis. And anyone who doesn't respect that I have this responsibility and that it requires time, commitment and focus on my part ultimately doesn't respect me. That's how I feel about the issue now, and getting okay with that internally makes me happier.

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5. Things Change
My children have already had so much change and so much loss in their young lives. In some ways this makes me really sad for them, but on the other hand, they've already learned what it took me 20 years of adulthood to understand: things change. They just do. That's life. My own childhood was sort of bizarrely idyllic and frozen in time, and while it seemed lovely at the time, it didn't equip me very well to deal with changes and evolution as an adult. It took me years to accept that change isn't a bad thing, and that it doesn't always mean "the end" of something. Now I get that, mostly.

6. Everything Is Not Your Job
Oh, how I struggle with this one - at my office and in life. My wonderful boss is constantly reminding me to focus on my OWN job and not worry so much about everything else that looks like it needs my input ("Look! A bright shiny project!"). And he's right. I have a job description and it isn't anyone else's. Thus, my mission should be clear.

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7. No Matter How Hard You Try, You Can't Make Everyone Like You
When you are raised in a relatively happy family, surrounded by a nurturing and encouraging community - as I was as a child and teenager - you leave that nest as a young adult falsely assuming that everyone else you meet will like you. I mean, what's not to like, right? That's what happened to me. I've spent the last 20 years wondering what I can possibly do to make certain people LIKE ME. I appease. I apologize. I endlessly question what's wrong with me, and I attempt to reason with people who don't like me. But this is an exercise in unhappy. I know this in my head but still sometimes struggle with it in my heart. Accepting it, though, makes me much happier.


- By Katie Granju
Follow Katie at Babble

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