Missing a Little of Myself: Life After Weight Loss Surgery

Last year I changed my life. I flew to Juarez, Mexico, and had weight loss surgery. Gastric sleeve surgery. That's what the procedure was called.

Since then I've lost over 100 pounds. I've redone my wardrobe, started dating again and even began working out. I'm a completely new person.

But still, sometimes I feel like something's missing: Me.

They say the beautiful women get the breaks. The ones with the clear complexion, flowing blonde hair and beach bodies. The skinny women. They get served first at busy, crowded bars. They get the doors held open for them at the mall. They get hired more easily.

And that seems to be true. Men, for example, pay way more attention to me now than they used to. They buy me drinks. They honk at me when I'm out walking the dog. And a few have even slipped me their phone numbers when I've been out with friends.

I like the attention, I really do. But I have to ask: Do these men REALLY like me? Or are they just enamored with my new body-the body that now fits the stereotypical definition of "sexy" in American culture?

It makes me wonder. And as weird as it sounds, it actually makes me feel more insecure about myself and my relationships than I did when I was extremely overweight.

I got hit on once in a while when I was bigger. But it felt different. It felt… real.

For the most part, I knew that the guys who hit on me when I was heavier were really into me. They'd talk to me, spent time getting to know and appreciate my personality-my (wicked) sense of humor, my caring nature and my work ethic.

We'd spend time together, and then they'd ask me out for coffee or dinner. Sex? Well, if it happened (and it usually didn't), it was good, authentic… like the guys really appreciated and cared about me.

Today, I kind of feel like a piece of meat.

Guys ogle me constantly. They come right up to me at the bar and (how do I say this) get right to the point-they're looking for another notch in their bedpost. I'm sorry, but I don't want to just be another notch in anyone's bedpost.

I want to be appreciated for who I am on the inside, not just what I appear to be on the outside.

So I'm much more careful now. Even more guarded than I was before I had the gastric sleeve surgery done. And you know what?

It's a good thing. It's a good thing because I'm learning that now, after my gastric sleeve procedure, that I'm capable of having the best of both worlds. I can be sexy on the inside, which I've always been, as well as on the outside. And it gets better, much, much better. I have options now. A lot of them. More than I've ever had.

I'm in control now - of everything. My life is changed. And I think it's changed for the better.