By Meghann Foye, REDBOOK.
Ain't no party like a sweatpants party 'cause a sweatpants party ends in nap time.Inspired by Cosmopolitan hitting the hangover on the head with "The Stages of Partying, By Age," please put on your finest loungewear, cue up those DVR'ed Property Brothers, and get ready to rage--30-something style.
30: Act like it's still technically the last year of your 20s... by trying to fly under the radar at dive bars and feeling sorry for your friends who are pregnant and can't drink.
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31: Had enough of dive bars: Move on to charity events where drinking is no longer the main focus; it's complaining about your husband.
32: Attend a true "dinner party" where everyone is finally partnered, fine scotch is poured for the first time, and more bottles of wine are drunk than there are people, but not by much.
33: Learn the fine art of mocktails so as not to let on that after years of pitying the pregnant ladies, you're one of them now.
34: "Parties" are now five-minute showers, dentist appointments, and the time it takes to walk from the passenger side of the car to the driver's side.
35: Proclaim, "You can have kids and still party!" Organize afternoon "appetizer crawls;" discuss craft breweries making "Saison"-style beers. Feel very adult. End up on someone's rooftop/backyard fire pit doing shots of bad bourbon. Feel guilty that you came home to the sitter tipsy.
36: Consider a Friday night sipping a cocktail and watching House Hunters International while your child sleeps the best party of the month.
37: Reprieve between first and second child is like your second wind! But try as you might to finish that second cocktail, you hate to admit it's giving you heartburn, and you throw it down the sink when no one's looking.
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38: Drinking is no longer the main focus; birthday cake at kids' parties is. But you still need a glass of wine to deal with the perfectionist mommies who've brought their own organic goat's milk, smugly discussing how great they feel after giving up gluten.
39: Attempt another kids-free dinner party, where all anyone can talk about is... kids' schools.
40: Didn't anyone tell you? Forty is the new 21. We're not middle-aged yet... Who wants to do a kegstand when the kids are in bed? Oh, who are we kidding, we've got two kids to deliver to ice skating practice early tomorrow morning. We're going to bed.
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