Telling a Depressed Person to Cheer Up Will Totally Backfire on You

by Ashley Mateo

Before the next time you tell your Debbie Downer friend to cheer up, remember this: well-intentioned pick-me-ups like "You'll do better next time" or "It's not really that bad, is it?" can actually have the opposite effect on someone with low self-esteem. (Anyone who's ever tried to comfort me on a bad day did not need a scientist to tell them this, but, hey, now it's legit.)

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Researchers, from the University of Waterloo and Wilfrid Laurier University found that positive platitudes used to help someone put negative events in perspective (it's technically called "positive reframing") doesn't really work on someone with low self-esteem--instead, it makes them feel like their emotions aren't valid. Even worse, it can make the comforter feel bad about themselves, too, because their support isn't working. Talk about a downward spiral.

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Here's the part that really resonated with me: "negative validation," aka "support behaviors that communicate that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation," did help people with low self-esteem (naturally, the study found that people with high self-esteem are basically perfect because both methods will make them feel better). So, next time someone complains about how everything sucks, skip the "it gets better" routine and humor them for a hot minute--you both might get something out of it.

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